Christmas is a pressure cooker, whether you’re hosting or visiting family, and that intensity can often reveal a lot about your relationship.
It’s the time of year when you see (or give) strong signs that something is wrong. The problem may be with your partner… or it may be with you.
Spot any of the red flags below and your relationship may be heading into stormy waters.
It’s the time of year when you see strong signs that something is wrong in your relationship.
He keeps his work group secret.
It’s perfectly okay to not want to go as your date, and it’s not always healthy for couples to be together all the time.
But if he’s hiding his office Christmas party from you, that’s a red flag.
You have to wonder, why doesn’t he even want to consider inviting you?
He appears, without really appearing.
It’s okay to accept that he may not love his family and may not be excited about spending the Christmas holidays with them.
But if he agrees to go, will he get along? Or are you sullen, sitting in the corner on your phone, silently telling everyone that you’re gone?
He doesn’t have to be everyone’s best friend, but he does need to connect with your world.
You have a Christmas crisis at work – again
People can usually find a way to set aside time for family. If you can’t, you may be exaggerating or making up work issues to get yourself out of the celebrations.
Is it a pattern? If there is always a crisis this time of year that takes the focus away from the holidays, it needs to be talked about.
It is different in public and in private.
Is it a very friendly and super attentive host when you make lunch for 30 people, but as soon as they leave, he says, “You didn’t make the mashed potatoes”?
It means that he is in acting mode when there are people there to see him playing the role of the perfect husband, but when there is no one to impress, he stops trying.
It has endless rules about socialization.
This is a major issue when it comes to who can enter your home. It’s too controlling, especially if there’s no real reason beyond “I don’t like them.”
Also be aware of keeping score or different expectations about how you both spend your time. Are you allowed to go out with other friends or are you expected to be home while he plays golf?
Makes nasty jokes about you.
And then he accuses you of being too sensitive if you don’t laugh, for example: ‘Let’s see if this year’s dinner is edible for a change!’
This is typically seen in a coercive relationship. Women often try to laugh at this behavior in the therapy room and it makes my blood run cold.
If this is what you are willing to say in public, what do you say in private?
Send a coded message in your gift.
Kelli Novak is a psychotherapist
It’s hard to find something thoughtful year after year. But I recently worked with a woman who was three months postpartum and her husband got her a gym membership and WeightWatchers, neither of which she requested. It was really painful for her.
It’s much better to have a spreadsheet for both of you that includes a list of gifts you would like, with links.
he is reserved toabout money
A change in your attitude towards money is a real sign of trouble. Mistresses are expensive at Christmas! If you suddenly have new credit cards or special gifts appear on your joint bill that aren’t for you, you probably have a problem.
Sex on vacation is bbetter than ever
Sex can be better when people are away from work and the stresses of everyday life, so if this is your pattern, enjoy it! However, often when a spouse has an extramarital affair, sexual relations at home improve. It may seem like you are much more involved in the bedroom because of guilt.
he doesn’t want you in the photos
Are you always the one he asks to take his photo? This could well be because he doesn’t see you in his long-term future and is already excluding you from the family narrative.
- Kelli Novak is a psychotherapist at The Soke. See thesoke.uk