When I heard the news that the indomitable Dr. Ruth, sex expert, author of 40 books, celebrity presenter and courageous Holocaust survivor, had died on Friday at the ripe old age of 96, a moment of sadness at her passing quickly gave way to a smile.
I find it impossible to think of this charming little pioneer of sexual frankness without remembering her bubbly personality and great sense of humor, and the fact that even though she is gone, her legacy and wisdom are still very much alive and relevant today.
Dispensing sex advice like “good chicken soup,” to quote Ruth Westheimer herself, was surely the key to her phenomenal success.
At just 4-foot-10, with a voice described by the Wall Street Journal as a cross between Henry Kissinger (for the German accent she never lost) and Minnie Mouse, Dr. Ruth delivered warmth in abundance—on radio, television, and in books like Dr. Ruth’s Guide to Great Sex, The Art of Arousal, and Sex for Dummies—without ever seeming shrill or threatening in her no-nonsense approach.
Coming out of her lips, the words clitoris or penis sounded as mundane as a potato.
Many people experience anxiety about sexual performance, anxiety about our appearance, anxiety about what is right and what is not, all of which is no doubt exacerbated by social media.
When I first saw Dr. Ruth, back in the early 1980s when I was deputy editor of Cosmopolitan, I thought the little middle-aged woman with the foreign accent must be a parody. It turned out she had degrees in psychology and sociology and a PhD, and had been working as a sex educator for some time. That’s when I really started listening to her.
Her advice was simple and straightforward. When asked how to perform oral sex on a man, she suggested, “Pretend it’s ice cream.”
A suggestion that may not seem surprising today, but in 1980, when it burst onto the world of American broadcasting, it created more than just radio waves.
The sexual revolution that had begun in the 1960s had already led to greater openness about sexual issues and a move away from the clinical approach of American scientists such as William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, who investigated sexual response in a laboratory but were not exactly popular communicators.
By the mid-1980s, conversations about sex were becoming more acceptable, especially through magazines like Cosmopolitan, which I edited from 1985 to 1990. But Dr. Ruth, by speaking so candidly on radio and television rather than in print, brought the conversation to a broader audience, including both men and women.
Those of us working at Cosmopolitan magazine in the UK at the time considered Dr Ruth a fellow traveller and applauded her from across the pond.
Much of what Dr. Ruth said then is commonplace today, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth repeating because there is still a lot of anxiety – and, indeed, ignorance – around issues of sex.
There’s performance anxiety, there’s anxiety about our appearance, there’s anxiety about pornography, there’s anxiety about what’s right and what’s wrong, all of which are no doubt exacerbated by social media.
Dr. Ruth advises couples to have sex before going out to dinner
Dr. Ruth advises that if you have a work-related affair, don’t tell your partner.
Nothing was off limits for Dr. Ruth. And as Dr. Ruth would say, who doesn’t need to be reminded at times that: “If you’re always waiting for that orgasm, you won’t enjoy making love as much. You run the risk of being goal-oriented, impatiently waiting for that orgasm.”
It may be obvious, it certainly makes sense, but when it comes to sex, the sensible and the obvious often get forgotten.
I always listened carefully to Ruth’s advice. One of my favorites was her suggestion that “you don’t have to share your fantasies.”
My opinion is that a shared fantasy is no longer a fantasy, and in any case, your partner may not like it or may get jealous, especially if you don’t include it! So I would like to thank Dr. Ruth for giving me the courage to not talk about it.
In the current quagmire of sexual politics and the murky waters of consent, Dr Ruth’s blithe declaration that “no one has the right to be naked in bed if they haven’t decided to have sex” may not go down well.
“This idea that once you’re aroused and you’ve already started, you should ask, ‘Can I touch your left breast or your right breast?’ is just nonsense,” she once said.
Sadly, the idea of “getting off the screen and getting to know yourself better” may be nothing more than wishful thinking, but Dr. Ruth hasn’t lost her touch.
While he spoke out against abusive, extreme and violent pornography in 2019, he still defended sexually explicit material as a useful complement to many people’s sex lives.
In other words, he refused to condemn pornography per se because he thought it could still be considered a sexual aid. He even debated in favour of the motion “Pornography has a place in sex education” at the Oxford Union.
Frank, funny, entertaining and revealing about matters of intimacy, but sadly there may never be another Dr. Ruth.
Dr Ruth, a sex expert, author of 40 books, television presenter and courageous Holocaust survivor, died on Friday at the grand age of 96.
Dr. Ruth: A lifetime of advice for a great sex life…
- Be a good kisser. The sensations that kissing causes are very pleasant and intense. It is an important part of sex. Don’t neglect it.
- No one is born a great lover. Everyone needs practice.
- Leave the screen and get to know each other.
- Have sex before going out to dinner.
- You are not twins. You and your partner will not want to have sex, or the same amount of sex, at the same time. Be willing to adapt to your partner’s needs.
- Set the mood. It’s a myth that good sex should be spontaneous; rarely do two people climax without planning it. Don’t rush. Give your partner your full attention as soon as he or she walks in the door, not right before bed.
- Don’t be jealous of your partner’s fantasy lovers. After years of being together, many people need fantasy to get turned on and have sex… with their partner.
- Don’t focus on goals. If you’re always waiting for the orgasm, you won’t enjoy the rest of the sexual relationship as much.
- Your sex life doesn’t have to end just because you reach a certain age.
- Men, want stronger sperm? Eat nuts. (Oddly enough, there is evidence to show that nuts can improve sperm count. A recent US study of 100 men who ate a handful – about 45g – of nuts a day for three months showed marked improvements in sperm motility, morphology and vitality.)
- Make up your own games. Like an onion ring thrown over an erect penis!
- Don’t have sex on the first date. Only when you have developed a relationship with someone and have come to admire and respect them, will you be able to have quality sex.
- Men, don’t obsess over the size of your penis. Let’s shout it from the rooftops: size has nothing to do with a woman’s sexual satisfaction.
- Ladies, you don’t have to share your fantasies. If you’re having sex with your partner and you imagine a whole football team in bed with you, that’s fine, but don’t talk about it.
- Sex is not a selfish act. Just because no one else can feel your orgasm doesn’t mean they can’t share in your pleasure. Tell your partner what you want. You’ve taken off your clothes, so why is it so important to take off some of that armor that covers your psyche?
- Don’t fall into a routine. The first ten, twenty, or hundred times you have sex with someone you’ll experience some excitement, but eventually the novelty will wear off. Try something new every now and then: a different sex position, making love at a different time of day, or doing it quickly when you normally take your time.
- The more sexual intercourse women have, the less severe the symptoms of menopause related to sexual functioning will be.
- Parade your body in front of your partner, show it off, try to feel good about it.
- You’re on a business trip. You go out to dinner with a colleague, you had too much to drink… and you end up having sex even though you’re both married. You have no feelings for this person and you both regret what happened. Do you tell your spouse? I say no. No matter how well he or she takes the news, it will leave a scar on your relationship.
- Older people should be sexually knowledgeable. They should not have sex at night when they are tired. The best way for older people to have sex is after a good night’s sleep.
- There should be an appointment room in nursing homes. Cuddles and hugs are necessary at any age.
- Anything two consenting adults can do in the privacy of their own bedroom (masturbation, fantasy, sex dolls) is fine by me.
- Take care of yourself. The most important sexual organ is not below the belt, but between the ears. If you are worried about getting pregnant or contracting some disease, you will not have quality sex. Safe sex is not only less dangerous, but it is also more pleasurable.
- Pay attention to every inch of your partner, not just their genitals. Touch their hair, stroke their back, caress their legs, rub their feet. Touch each other every day, without thinking about sex. Cuddle. Hold hands. Wash each other. All that touching will bring you closer together.
- A good sexual experience needs time: for the arousal, as well as for the hugs and kisses after sex. Afterplay is part of the arousal phase for the next encounter.
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