Michaela Boehm is the woman who is famous for putting the va-va-voom in the marriage of Gwyneth Paltrow (individual houses are a treat, apparently). So what's her advice for the rest of it U.S? Martha Hayes books a consultation
Michaela on her California farm. She and her partner live in separate properties, a practice that she recommends to her famous clients to help them maintain the tension in their relationships
Can you imagine fighting with your husband in the car, and when you go to Starbucks, are you still confused? & # 39 ;, says Michaela Boehm, expert on intimacy and relationships with the stars. "Now imagine that you do that when you are famous and everyone knows your company and goes:" Hahaha, they are breaking up. "It is terrible. I am well suited for this task because I do not leak any information. This is the wild-haired, gentle Austrian guru who reminds me that the sex life of her most talked-about client, Gwyneth Paltrow, is forbidden territory. – she and her husband of nearly a year, director Brad Falchuk, live in separate houses – but Michaela, 51, is just as discreet as if her livelihood depended on it, which it does in many ways.
"I can't tell you anything about anyone unless they tell you about it," she explains, pouring coffee and picking a bowl of fresh peaches from the orchard when I arrive at her organic farm in Ojai, California. "My very first celebrity customer was so striking that I was brought under a blanket into a driver's car."
Michaela is participating in an event for Gwyneth Paltrow & # 39; s lifestyle brand Goop
Michaela is a brilliant company for all her discretion. Waving along her garden path like an earth mother with a love of curses and a catchy cock, she would like to advise me about my own marriage, because she wants to show me the garden she has put together to make herself & # 39; healthy & # 39; After wild wildfires in 2017, almost her house was destroyed. I am so fascinated by the kaleidoscope of exotic flowers, echinacea plants and lavender that I don't notice the donkeys at first. "Those are Elio and Luna," says Michaela, who also keeps chickens, pigs, goats, dogs, a cat and a turtle. "I don't have any children of your choice."
Her high-profile clients – including Grammy-winning musicians, film producers, and business pioneers – have been coming and going from this farm for more than ten years with a teaching studio and a guest house. Before settling here in 2008 with her 17-year-old husband, Michaela had a busy practice in West Hollywood. But after having built up more than 40,000 hours of counseling, she is now more selective.
She now only sees ten customers and spends the rest of her time consulting and attending her workshops around the world. Why do the rich and famous call – or, as she describes them, & # 39; high performance & # 39; – her help and why does that fascinate the rest of us?
& # 39; The interesting thing about fame is that it destroys people who don't handle it, & # 39; she says. "If you have the ability to go the distance, you become a sort of pioneer – you have to stand on the cutting edge to stay ahead."
Gwyneth and her husband Brad spent the first year of their relationship separately. "The interesting thing about fame is that it destroys people who don't handle it," says Michaela
From vaginal steaming to deliberate disconnection, nobody could accuse Gwyneth of not living on the edge of the cut. "That people can remain friends after they separate? That was never heard until Gwyneth, & Michaela says. "My husband's ex-wife was my bridesmaid – why not? They were already divorced when I met him. She always said that giving her away in his next marriage freed her and that she felt she could go on completely. & # 39;
Did Michaela invent the famous – and widely ridiculous – term Gwyneth and use her former husband, Chris Martin, Coldplay to describe their 2014 divorce? & # 39; Deliberate disconnection was a term from a book & # 39 ;, she clarifies. "I didn't work with her then. That was not my thing. & # 39;
Michaela instead promotes the polarity principle: creating erotic tension by deliberately separating yourself from your partner, instead of living the unsexy reality of each other's pockets until you become almost the same person. But her idea that couples should take as much space as they need to make their lives functional and exciting their relationship invites cynicism – who can afford two houses now? & # 39; This is what everyone is calling for: & # 39; Gwyneth and Brad live in separate houses. How bizarre. & # 39; Eh … no, they are not normal people; they can afford to live separately. They also have children from other marriages. For most people, not every free moment spent together has the same result.
"Especially in the UK there is a whole culture in which men with men leave, women go on vacation with women and have different interests. Living separately is an extreme example of a very simple remedy. You don't even have to sleep in separate rooms; try to have a room where all the things you like are in and another for your partner. & # 39;
Michaela & # 39; s own "she shed", proud in the garden in psychedelic shades of pink and purple, is impossible to miss. "I am a crazy lady in color; (my husband) likes things that are zen and white. "The couple lives in separate buildings on the farm and Michaela estimates that she is on the road eight months a year, so she certainly practices what she preaches.
"I noticed that I became more irritated and curtly melted when we spent too much time together," she explains. & # 39; Then I would leave, and it was like, "Oh." Looking at the principles of polarity, we just thought, "Let's try individual rooms," then we would say, "Hey, my room or yours?" was so cool. & # 39;
Michaela left Austria to the US when she was 27 and in the recovery of a failed relationship. To make a long story short: "This was the start of raves and ecstasy and my tight, soon-to-be husband became a mad drug addict. I had the opportunity to go, "this is bad news" and I pulled the plug. & # 39;
Where did she get the courage to do that? "I was absolutely well brought up. I'm probably one of the few psychologists who didn't get confused by their parents, & she laughs. "Mine has been married for 53 years and still has a spark; I have learned many things that I am now teaching people about them. My father had a very stressful job and he would come home from work, greet us and go to his bedroom for an hour so he could transfer from work to family. There was no violation of that rule unless it was an emergency. & # 39;
Declining sexual attraction is not a relationship problem, it is a physical problem
In theory, Michaela & # 39; s teachings – outlined in her book The Wild Woman & # 39; s Way: Unlock Your Full Potential for Pleasure, Power and Fulfillment – disassemble the modern relationship model as we know it. "When two people come together, opposites attract each other, so it's sexy and exciting. When they live together, the community builds up. The more you have in common, the less sexually exciting it is, & she explains. "The problem is that people think that decreasing sexual attraction is a relationship problem. It is not; it is a physical problem. It is not a death sentence, but it is not inevitable either. It is laziness on the one hand and lack of education on the other. & # 39;
I tell her that my husband (less than three years old) and I were in our "comfortable clothes" rolled up in front of the television with a bowl of pasta at 8 p.m. last night. That is what is meant by "Netflix and chill" in our house. "Sometimes there's nothing wrong with that," she reassures me. "It becomes a problem if that is the norm and you no longer have anything to say to each other. Remember at that time what worked when you went out and didn't spend all your time together. & # 39;
I don't think I'm the only one wondering how much sex & # 39; enough & # 39; is. Do we have to count every week? "I don't think there's a fixed number, it's how both people feel. If you have just had a child or if you are very stressed, you will probably not want sex at all. The amount varies greatly within a long-term relationship. It is the qualitative aspect of how enthusiastic you are to communicate with your partner. & # 39;
"My first famous customer was so striking that I was brought under a blanket into a driver's car," says Michaela
So if the decline of sexual attraction in a healthy relationship can be prevented, how do we tackle a loss of libido in later years and is there a future-proof method? "A lack of libido has to do with the fact that there is so much noise in your system that you cannot hear the more subtle sounds – such as during a rock concert – and pleasure is just a whisper," she says. & # 39; They say it & # 39; Enable & # 39; happening in the brain – no, not really. You must be able to feel your body. & # 39;
Michaela & # 39; s secrets to keep the passion alive
Break up time
If two people are always together, they depolarize and there is no more friction. You must exist in opposite spaces to get friction, which is good. You can recreate this by spending enough time apart so that when you come back together there is a freshness.
✿ Tip When you get home from work, you separate 15 minutes. Try to take a shower, watch TV or take a walk with the dog so that you reset before you get back together in a romantic way.
People make an effort to have a date night and get dressed – look at their phone at dinner and suddenly it's: & # 39; Have you thought about buying milk? & # 39; That is a conversation for the TV.
✿ Tip Do not introduce boundaries such as & # 39; no telephones in the bedroom & # 39 ;. Meet regularly to resolve trivial, logistical matters, so that you can talk about other things during a date night.
Have your own interests
You must have interests outside of the relationship. The easiest way to do that is to read and try new things so that when you get home it leads to a conversation. Doing things that are unusual is best to keep sex alive.
✿ Tip Usually sitting on the couch? Take a blanket into the garden. Routine is the killer of excitement, so all you have to do is confuse things.
Do not touch
If you constantly touch each other, it is unconsciously no longer exciting when your partner becomes active because you are so used to it.
✿ Tip If you're bored a bit sexually, one of the easiest ways to get excited again is not to touch or kiss a few days before a date night. In a short period of time your body will go "woooo!"
To do that, we must distinguish between our "go" mode (which we use at work) and the "flow" mode (what we need for sexual pleasure). "When you have had" go "for eight hours," flow "will not happen automatically. But all you have to do is have some cool circles. Turning around for ten minutes brings you back into the body. You could sit in your office chair for that. & # 39;
And she's not a big fan of sex toys. "A vibrator is not a substitute for getting to know your body. When you constantly use other stimuli, you make the body insensitive, so the subtle pleasure that is always there is not available. Say zero is feeling nothing and 100 is an orgasm. You come home from work, and now you have to have an orgasm? We need to be warmed up. Music helps, just like smelling, so take a hand cream in the car for your commute. That way you start at 50.
"Let's say you decide," I'm not going to wear the pajamas tonight. "Go to the bathroom, take a shower, put on some oil and play some music; now you are 80. From there it doesn't feel terribly unworkable, right? & # 39;
No, that's not it. And with that she takes me away with a copy of her book and a wobble in my step. Where is that hand cream?
For more information about Michaela, visit michaelaboehm.com
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