DEAR JANE: My girlfriend has a bad habit that makes her look so UGLY. How can I politely tell her to stop?

Dear Jane,

My girlfriend and I have been together since college. We are now in our late twenties.

She is naturally very beautiful and always low maintenance when it comes to her appearance, a side of her that I love.

However, she recently got a new job in the city that requires her to go to the office five days a week – and things are starting to change.

Since my friend had been working remotely from our apartment for the past few years, she was nervous about starting a fancy corporate job, so I suggested she treat herself to a new wardrobe to dress the part.

But she took it one step further: with a trip to a major beauty salon, where the staff helped her pick out hundreds of dollars’ worth of makeup.

Then, on the morning of her first day, she woke up extra early and spent 45 minutes painting her face.

When she finished and asked, ‘what do I look like?’ my jaw dropped…and not in a good way.

Even though my friend is a beautiful woman, I didn’t think she looked attractive at all with all those harsh cosmetic colors and textures on her face. The effect was quite ugly.

She would have been devastated if I had told her how bad things looked right before her nerve-wracking first day.

So I told her she looked great and promised to tell the truth later that night.

But when she got home, my friend raved about how good the day had been and said the new look made her feel powerful and confident in the office.

Obviously the makeup makes her feel great, but as far as I’m concerned it ruins her natural beauty.

Now I’m afraid I’m not the only one who thinks it’s a big mistake.

How can I save my girlfriend from embarrassment without hurting her feelings?

By,

Makeup morality

Dear Makeup Morals,

There is a very fine line between helping your partner look their best and controlling behavior.

Just because you think she looks better with a more natural look doesn’t actually mean that she does she thinks she looks better this way.

That said, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling her that you prefer her makeup-free beauty, but that you completely understand why she wants to create a personality for her work.

What’s important is that you don’t insist that she change or bring it up again.

It’s a big mistake to assume you know what her colleagues think of the new look, and I urge you to put any such thoughts out of your mind. Honestly, and I mean this in the kindest way possible, her role at work and how she is perceived by her coworkers has nothing to do with you. Of course, it’s normal that we want our partners to look their best. But what is ‘best’ is entirely subjective.

My former husband hated the fact that I wore heavy makeup and straightened my hair.

Like you, he loved the natural look and told me for years how much better he thought I was without makeup and wild, curly hair. He often reprimanded me when I had gone out of my way to look good. He told me that short jackets didn’t suit me, that I looked much better in tunics.

Have I listened? Usually not. His comments only made me feel controlled and unappreciated. I liked who I saw in the mirror, even if he didn’t. Even if he was right, even if I looked better dressed the way he wanted, I felt more like myself with bold makeup and blow-dried hair. I felt confident and safer. No matter how noble his intentions were, I had to make the choices that felt right for me, and not for him.

The only person your girlfriend should listen to is herself. If you really love her, let her be who she is, without the need to change into anyone else You decide is the best version of her.

Dear Jane,

My husband and I love each other very much and together we have three children aged ten, twelve and sixteen.

However, over the past year we have been dealing with serious problems in the bedroom.

First, my husband developed restless leg syndrome, which prevented me from sleeping at all.

So I started taking sleeping pills, which made me dizzy all day and gave me a number of other problematic side effects.

I need to stop relying on medications to fall asleep, but I can’t possibly rest properly because my husband’s jerking body movements disturb me all night.

I thought about asking him to move into the guest room – permanently – or live there myself.

But I’m afraid of what that would mean for our marriage.

Will he be angry if I ask for this? Will we stop being intimate if we stop sharing a bed?

How can I explain to him – and my children – that this is the best decision for our relationship and not something to worry about?

By,

Dropping pills

Dear Popping Pills,

I recently learned that there is a term for couples who love each other, are married to each other, and yet choose to sleep apart. This is called a ‘sleep divorce’.

According to a recent survey, 35 percent of couples in America now choose to sleep separately, while that number rises to 43 percent among millennials.

I was talking to a friend last week who said she really wants to meet “her person,” the man she hopes to spend the rest of her life with, but she will never, ever share her bed.

It seems we have come full circle. In the past, it was not uncommon for married couples to have separate beds and separate bedrooms, with the wife often inviting her husband over for some marital fun. That changed in the 1960s during the sexual revolution, with couples routinely sharing their beds. But now we seem to be moving on, with people increasingly opting for sleep separations.

Whether it’s due to restless leg syndrome, snoring, or just a different work pattern, choosing to sleep separately doesn’t have to be the death knell for a relationship.

While some may see it as an indication that there is something wrong with a marriage, I can assure you that is not the case. In fact, rest is the greatest tool we have in our armory to increase happiness. Everything gets better when we are well rested. Reduce conflict, improve moods.

Make sure you communicate clearly and honestly about your reason for wanting separate beds, and use this as an opportunity to get off all sleep aids.

As with everything in relationships, communication is always the answer.