The attention whore rodeo, I mean… the Met Gala, came to New York City last night and these oblivious high fashion clowns did not disappoint.
As always, the groomed jesters were guided by a dress code.
This year it was the pretentiously ambiguous theme, ‘The Garden of Time’, a nod to British novelist JG Ballard’s 1962 short story about an elegant couple inside a walled enclosure, who kept invading barbarians at bay by cutting magical glass flowers that They turned the clocks back. .
The beleaguered aristocrats in Ballard’s story depended on a dwindling harvest to protect them from the passing of time.
These rich tits, without a hint of irony, enjoy seemingly unlimited budgets for plastic surgeons, cosmetic dentists and Ozempic.
The attention whore rodeo, I mean… the Met Gala, came to New York City last night and these oblivious high fashion clowns did not disappoint.
Gala co-chair Zendaya was one of the first to walk the carpet and looked like a giant boutonniere while doing that ridiculously awkward dying turtle pose.
JLo was radiant in a sheer custom Schiaparelli Haute Couture dress, giving viewers a glimpse into her timeless Garden of Time.
So while real pro-Hamas mobs rampaged through the streets of New York City desecrating war memorials and burning American flags last night, these self-satisfied idiots felt perfectly safe and sound behind the barricades at the Metropolitan Museum of Art .
Gala co-chair Zendaya was one of the first to walk the carpet and looked like a giant boutonniere while doing that ridiculously awkward dying turtle pose.
This is when pretty women try to look ugly by hunching their upper body while protruding their heads under the weight of their beauty.
Actress Mindy Kaling disguised a can of exploded McDonald’s meat casings.
Sarah Jessica Parker wore a bouquet of stripper-style hair extensions under a headdress and Andy Cohen on her arm, but she still managed to look like an expensive lampshade.
Eddie Redmayne and his wife wore matching bird poop dresses.
The TV commentators’ orders should have been: “Say nice things or Anna Wintour will scoop out your liver with a dessert spoon, emulsify it and use it as hand cream.”
Because when Lizzo went with the garden theme but came up with a bunch of weeds, those making fun of E! They were left speechless.
Actress Mindy Kaling disguised a can of exploded McDonald’s meat casings.
Sarah Jessica Parker wore a bouquet of stripper-style hair extensions under a headdress and Andy Cohen on her arm, but she still managed to look like an expensive lampshade.
Eddie Redmayne and his wife wore matching bird poop dresses.
The ‘Good As Hell’ singer’s dirty-toned tribute to a flower ended up looking like a discarded rawhide chew toy that was tossed among the grass clippings.
Lady Gaga, it is not. But she is so healthy and brave!
Who in their right mind would want to participate in this annual audition for America’s Nastiest?
For weeks, Vogue’s editor-in-chief (this year, the devil dressed Loewe) has been sending her fork-tongued minions to threaten “Wintour is coming!” and bully stylistically challenged Lauren Sánchez.
And there she was, Mrs. Casi Bezos, seemingly embarrassed with a shaggy black lob (which is short for long, pagan bob) and an Oscar de la Renta dress made of broken glass and pearls swirling into giant roses that freed her impeccable active in pikemen prison.
There is no justice in fashion!
Vogue’s live coverage of the event was led by a blonde Brillo Pad, also known as actress Gwendoline Christie, the heroine of Game of Thrones.
Hello, Gwendoline. Frankenstein’s girlfriend called and wants her hair back.
Cardi B won the award for most unnecessary use of fabric. She broke the carpet record with a team of 10 preparing her dress for each camera mark.
Her headdress screamed: Marge Simpson and Amy Winehouse had a naughty baby with too much money to spend on the manicurist.
The ‘Good As Hell’ singer’s dirty-toned tribute to a flower ended up looking like a discarded rawhide chew toy that was tossed among the grass clippings.
Apparently, Mrs. Casi Bezos was shamed in an Oscar de la Renta dress made of broken glass and pearls swirling into giant roses that released her flawless assets into a silly prison. There is no justice in fashion!
Vogue’s live coverage of the event was provided by blonde Brillo Pad, also known as actress Gwendoline Christie, the heroine of Game of Thrones.
Rita Ora looked like she had just gotten out of the shower: her hair was soaked and she was almost naked as she clung to the shower curtain. That poor thing.
Never one to be washed away, Doja Cat appeared drenched with silver eyeliner dripping down her face in a sheer white dress that burned the corneas of healthy Gala watchers with her typical shameless lasciviousness.
Could she have been auditioning to be an extra in Kanye’s porn shoot?
This brings us to Kim K. Everyone’s favorite amateur “actress” wore a corset so tight that when she stripped down at the end of the night her fart must have blown off all the manhole covers on Fifth Avenue.
She gets points for pairing a stunning silver Maison Marciela dress with a gray shawl.
And it made me wonder: When Bianca Censori starts wearing clothes again, will she try to pull off this look too?
Kim’s mom, Kris, didn’t fare so well. She dressed in a giant duvet cover. As they say, she shouldn’t have even gotten out of bed.
However, the night wasn’t all bad and I would be remiss if I didn’t give it the credit it deserved.
JLo was radiant in a sheer custom Schiaparelli Haute Couture dress, giving viewers a glimpse into her timeless Garden of Time.
Rita Ora looked like she had just gotten out of the shower: her hair was soaked as she clung to the shower curtain. That poor thing.
Never one to be beaten, Doja Cat appeared drenched with silver eyeliner dripping down her face, wearing a sheer white dress.
Heavy is the head that shows off the flowers at the Garden Party. But with cheaters literally at the door, time for these stuck-up celebrities has surely run out.
Cardi B won the award for most unnecessary use of fabric. She broke the carpet record with a team of 10 preparing her dress for each camera mark.
She looked absolutely dewy and natural, unlike her cigarette-smoking other half, who was mercilessly mocked for her red, angry face at the roast of NFL legend Tom Brady last weekend.
Who did Ben’s job? Freddie Kreuger?
Model Gigi Hadid looked like a frozen pixie inside a wedding cake in her Thom Browne dress.
Jessica Biel had lazy girl hair and must have spent six hours trying to make it look messy. She had a glorious watermelon shade, but the girl needs to eat a sandwich.
By the end of the evening, I was exhausted by the humorless extravagance and would not have been surprised to see Effie Trinket, the pale-faced demon from the Hunger Games, strolling the carpet.
Instead, we got Zendaya 2.0 in her second do-si-do of the night, complete with a giant, multi-colored rose headpiece.
Heavy is the head that shows off the flowers at the Garden Party. But with cheaters literally at the door, time for these stuck-up celebrities has surely run out.