W.What year was 1983, huh? The launch of the Nintendo Entertainment System heralded the third generation of gaming, arguably the zenith of game design, and we had the first Super Bowl broadcast on Channel 4. Both rocked my world as a teenager. Nintendo had Super Mario. Channel 4 had Super Gario, also known as Gary Imlach, one of the greatest sports broadcasters of all time. They also had Mick Luckhurst. Who is not? Now that That’s what I call variety!
Both worlds are gloriously represented in my latest gaming addiction NFL Retro Bowl ’25.
Oh sure, the world may be going crazy over Star Wars Outlaws, which allows you be in the Star Wars universe in an open world game where you can go wherever you want, perform any task or mission and destroy whoever you think deserves it, but I find that kind of thing exhausting nowadays. The most open world adventure of all has put me off open world adventures.
Life.
That’s a tough one too – we’re currently on our seventh family attempt at defeating Covid’s end-of-level boss, who appears to be harder to take down than Malenia in Elden Ring. Fortunately, my wife and I are about to complete the parenting mission in Co Op Play. Our score is not very good, we have only completed a quarter of the tasks, but we just want it to be over.
What I want in games is the opposite of the open world. I want a closed world. Tiny world. A world with few options. I want retro.
The original 2020 Retro Bowl was fun on mobile, but the new version has officially licensed players. I really want to take Patrick Mahomes in my arms and squeeze him so tight. Not the real Patrick Mahomes, three-time Super Bowl MVP, because I’m a really strong hugger and he might injure his collarbone, but his 8-bit Retro Bowl incarnation, which is so cute. I find all those gloriously clunky 8-bit performances to be… well… cute. The same way you want to pick up a fat baby, I look at 8-bit graphics and want to hug them.
That’s why Mario’s original 1983 graphics appeal to me so much more than today’s polished, corporate slickness. The big mustache resting beneath what was a ridiculously long nose on a big, beefy frame, he was an ordinary hero, the game character equivalent of footballers like Xherdan Shaqiri who run around the field like a guy who just happens to be bringing his boots. throughout. Modern Mario is too skilled. They have thinned it out with an extra glow of joy that I find disturbing.
Hugs aside, this is the first game in a long time where I’ve looked at the graphics and been impressed. Technology has allowed modern game graphics to be so good that using them as a review category is redundant, but Christian McCaffrey on 8-bit blocks? Wow!
(Sidebar: Am I the last person in the world to notice that ’80s Mario is practically identical to Konami’s track jock?)
Retro Bowl is an homage to the legendary Tecmo Bowl released in 1987, which also featured real players, but people can only remember one of them: Bo Jackson, whose mega stats meant he was unstoppable. You could unplug the machine and it would still work. Retro Bowl goes a glorious step further by simply simulating defense. This is a cool move. Nobody likes playing defense in NFL games. “Oh, great, they intercepted me. Now I can play Defense! He said no one playing Madden. Ever.
On the downside, stripped-down simplicity means you can’t decide to take a timeout once you’ve selected a play, you can’t deliberately choose a stiff arm, and you don’t have the last resort of the sports game scoundrel. : the boost button. However, I find the limited controls incredibly relaxing. I’m not sitting there trying to remember 50 billion combinations to make a special move, which makes playing this game an almost zen-like experience.
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Can it pass the ultimate mobile gaming test? The bathroom test? Yeah! Yo can sit there playing until both feet fall asleep, the mark of a truly excellent portable game. In fact, with a game that lasts just three minutes you can get to the Super Bowl in less than an hour, although I would only recommend trying this in a house with more than one bathroom.
I won the Super Bowl in the second season of Ask, so I was worried it would be too easy even for me, but a switch to Dynamic makes the difficulty contextual: it gets harder if you’re doing better. Go up a couple points and the other team will intercept your passes more easily, and your simulated defense will turn into Swiss cheese.
I like that. It keeps the challenge in perfect proportion to my skill and gives it enormous replay value. It is not only the perfect setting for the game, but also the perfect setting for life itself. Are you successful? Things will get more difficult for you. Are you poor? Well, things are going to get easier.
In other words, Retro Bowl Dynamic difficulty is doing what a Labor government should do. If only politicians were as trustworthy as Bo Jackson.
