Dear Vanessa,
I am writing to you because I feel conflicted and unsure of what to do. My mother recently passed away, leaving her home to me and my brother. While I’m still coming to terms with the loss, sorting through his estate has become a source of stress rather than comfort.
Here’s the problem: my brother is very rich and doesn’t need the house money at all. However, he insists that we divide everything equally, including all associated costs such as garbage collection, cleaning and other small expenses. These costs are not insignificant for me, especially since I do not have their financial resources. To me, it feels petty that he’s not willing to shoulder a little more of the burden when it wouldn’t make any real difference to him but would help me immensely.
I don’t know if I should speak. Part of me feels like I should, but I also don’t want to create tension or seem ungrateful for what we’ve inherited. I don’t want money to drive a wedge between us, but I also feel that justice isn’t always about dividing things down the middle.
Do you think he is being unreasonable? And if so, how should I approach this conversation without it becoming a bigger problem? I would love your advice.
Sincerely,
Amanda.
Send your questions to leading money educator Vanessa Stoykov at thrivingafter50@dailymail.com.au
Vanessa Stoykov, noted monetary educator (above)
Dear Amanda,
First, I am very sorry for your loss. Losing your mother is incredibly difficult and it is completely normal to feel overwhelmed when estate matters add to the pain.
Understandably, your brother’s insistence on splitting all costs equally, given his financial situation, may be frustrating. While you may consider this to be in keeping with a principle of justice (equal ownership, equal responsibility), it is important to recognize that justice does not always mean a 50/50 split in practice. Financial circumstances, emotional investment and practicality come into play.
This is a situation where a calm, honest conversation could be of great help. Approach your brother from a place of collaboration, not confrontation. You could say something like, “I’ve been struggling to manage estate costs given my financial situation.” Would you be willing to discuss how we could handle this in a way that works best for both of us? By focusing on finding a solution together, you can help him see your perspective without causing unnecessary tension.
If he remains adamant, consider the emotional value this disagreement has for you. Sometimes it is better to let smaller battles go to preserve family harmony. However, if the costs are really burdensome for you, it’s okay to hold firm.
You may also consider seeking mediation from a neutral third party, such as a legal or financial professional, to ensure that the estate is managed in a way that is fair to both of you. I have a link on my site that can help you find someone in my trusted referral network.
It’s worth remembering that money and inheritance can trigger emotions that go far beyond the financial aspect: issues of justice, respect and family dynamics. Try to keep the bigger picture in mind and focus on what will help you both move forward without resentment.
Take care of yourself during this difficult time and I hope this advice helps you find your way forward.
A cordial greeting,
Vanessa.