Dear Vanessa,
I think my marriage might be over, but I’m not ready to face it yet. My wife and I have been married for 22 years and although we have had ups and downs, things have felt different lately. She is distant, always on the phone, and has started spending more time away from home. I can’t help but wonder if she’s seeing someone else.
The thing is, I don’t want to bring it up. What happens if I’m wrong? I’m terrified of accusing her unfairly and ruining what we still have. But even if she’s not cheating on me, I feel like we’ve grown apart. We don’t talk like we used to, and when we do, it’s mostly about day-to-day logistics.
What makes things difficult are your expenses. He loves to shop and has always spent a little, but it has become excessive. I have tried to approach the topic delicately, but it always ends in an argument. I’m 55 years old and plan to retire in the next seven or eight years, but I’m worried we won’t have enough savings if this continues.
I feel stuck. I love her and I don’t want to give up on our marriage, but I’m afraid of what the future holds. What do I have to do?
Micro.
Dear Mike,
First, let me tell you how brave you are for acknowledging these feelings. It’s not easy to confront the cracks of a long marriage, much less express them. You are at a crossroads, and while it may seem overwhelming, this is also an opportunity to reevaluate your priorities and open communication with your wife.
Vanessa Stoykov, noted monetary educator (above)
Let’s address your concerns one at a time.
The elephant in the room
Your suspicions about infidelity weigh heavily on you, and it’s understandable. But before jumping to conclusions, consider the possibility that your wife’s behavior could be due to other problems: stress, dissatisfaction, or even boredom. Instead of confronting her with accusations, approach the conversation with curiosity and compassion. Choose a calm moment and say something like, “I feel like we’ve been distant lately and I miss how we used to connect.” Is there anything we can do to get back to normal? This invites honesty without creating defensiveness.
The expense
Financial stress is one of the biggest stresses on a marriage. While you can’t control your wife’s spending, you can approach the issue as a team. Sit together and take a clear look at your finances. Use this time to discuss your shared goals, such as your retirement timeline. Frame it as a partnership: “I want us to enjoy a secure future together, and I’m worried that our current spending could make it more difficult.”
It may also be helpful to hire a third party, such as a financial advisor, to guide the discussion objectively. Many super funds offer advisory services, so check with yours to see what’s available. Or you can Use my free service to help find an advisor..
Rebuilding the connection
Even if your wife isn’t ready to open up right away, small actions can help rebuild intimacy. Take time for each other: date nights, walks, or even grabbing coffee to catch up. Show her that you are willing to invest in your relationship and see if she reciprocates it.
Finally, if things don’t improve, counseling could be a game-changer. Sometimes having a professional mediator allows both partners to speak freely and resolve deeper issues.
This stage of life is often a turning point for many couples. The decisions you make now will shape not only your relationship, but also your future happiness and financial security. Whether your wife is on the same page or not, following these steps will give you clarity and confidence to move forward, whatever that may be.
Remember, no matter the outcome, you are not alone in this. Many people face similar struggles and find a way out.
Wishing you all the best,
Vanessa.