‘Tis the season to be cheerful! But what if it’s not the season to be cheerful? What if you don’t feel happy at all because you’re grieving for someone who has died?
All the tinsel and well wishes can seem very hollow and empty if you are heartbroken.
It is certainly true that when we are grieving, some people can really step up and make a difference. Through pain like a thread of gauze runs the feeling of disconnection, but a small kindness, a few words, a thoughtful gesture can remind us that we are still connected to others.
Richard E. Grant has told a moving account of how King Charles visited his dying wife, dialect teacher Joan Washington, days before she died of lung cancer in 2021.
‘Shortly before my wife died, Prince Charles came to visit her, sat in our garden, held her hands and talked about life while she contemplated her own death. Kindness, generosity, humor and compassion. Princely attributes worthy of a king.
What a contrast to how others responded.
Grant has previously spoken about how, after Joan’s death, he lost friends as a result of how they reacted to his grief.
Speaking at the Cheltenham Literary Festival last year, he said: “After his death I have seen people crossing the road instead of talking. If they think you’re going to fall apart and be an emotional wreck, I don’t know. But I will never speak to them again.”
Even though death and grief are a universal phenomenon, we are often very bad at dealing with people who are grieving.
As shocking as it may seem, it is all too familiar.
Even though death and grief are a universal phenomenon, something that none of us can escape, we are often very bad at dealing with people who are grieving.
Many heartbroken patients have told me the same thing: they are often bewildered by people’s response and deeply hurt and hurt.
People find it very difficult to cope with pain. They feel like they don’t know what to say, how to behave, or they’re afraid of doing or saying something that will make things worse, so they keep a wide berth.
At Christmas, you’d think people would rally around a grieving friend, especially if it’s the first time since losing a loved one. However, in my experience, the season of goodwill is often lean.
In order not to appear thoughtless, people do not invite them to the usual drinks or parties. You don’t want to come and be happy, do you?
And maybe there’s even a little worry that your mood will drop, too.
But it’s not our place to make assumptions about how they will feel.
Dr Max Pemberton (pictured) advises allowing a grieving person to grieve on their own terms and not turning your back on them.
Of course, many people will find this time of year very difficult, even years after their loss. Christmas will bring back memories, traditions will feel empty or meaningless, and the entire festive period can seem long and drawn out.
That doesn’t mean ignoring them is anything but painful. In fact, it is often enough to simply acknowledge someone’s pain and loss.
You don’t have to find clever words or be able to give them wisdom or comfort in their pain. Follow their example.
If they want to be happy and cheerful, that’s fine; Maybe they’re tired of always being the grieving person and want to laugh like everyone else.
If they want to be sad or depressed, that’s okay too, and it’s not an invitation for you to try to cheer them up.
People grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way, and simply letting someone do it their way is in itself a tremendous relief for many.
I remember a father whose daughter had died in a car accident telling how people quickly abandoned him. They were simply overwhelmed by the tragedy and didn’t know what to say.
And then there was his only true friend, who stayed by his side, allowing him to be as he wanted, bearing his pain even in the worst of the pain.
All the tinsel and well wishes can seem very hollow and empty if you are heartbroken (file image)
The man described his friend as a “witness” to his pain and felt it was incredibly helpful to have someone just be there with him, without trying to change him or make him better.
So don’t try to “fix” things: people often feel obligated to make the person feel better at the end of a conversation, and this often leads to clumsy or insensitive statements or banal platitudes that are more likely to irritate. or bother.
Whatever you do, don’t try to make it about yourself, and be careful if you compare their experience to one you’ve had.
If you left him for a long time and didn’t contact someone, then it’s okay to just reach out and apologize. Christmas is the perfect time to do this.
Don’t make an excuse, just say that you didn’t know what to say, but now you realize you didn’t and you’re sorry.
What about the cheerful card you usually send them? It just doesn’t feel right to wish them a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year when it will be neither. It’s a lot easier to just cross them off your Christmas card list, right?
But suddenly, not receiving cards just emphasizes how alone they are now. Instead, send flowers or a plant, with a brief note: “Just so you know I’m thinking about you right now.” Or be honest: ‘It’s hard to know what to write since Merry Christmas doesn’t seem appropriate, but I want you to know you’re in my thoughts.’
The best gift you can give someone who is grieving at Christmas is to allow them to grieve on their own terms and not turn your back on them.
It doesn’t seem too difficult, but it’s surprising how many of us struggle with it.
Ian Hislop has been injured after being hit by an electric bicycle while crossing the road. I have had two elderly patients who were injured, one of them very seriously, after crashes with electric bicycles. When are we going to crack down on them?
How to defeat the beastly winter lurgy.
TV presenter Kirstie Allsopp (pictured) has complained of a “chest infection/lurgy” like she has never had before.
Have you had this awful lurgia that seems to be going around? It’s almost bad enough to be a real flu, but not quite.
I was speechless last week and a large number of my colleagues are no longer working with him. At least we’re in good company.
Kirstie Allsopp has complained of a “chest infection/surgery” unlike any she has had before, adding that she tried to find another celebrity to replace her at a carol concert but couldn’t because so many of them were sick.
“It seems to have hit the celebrity circuit especially hard,” he said.
Despite all the advances in recent decades, finding a cure remains difficult. So what works when you have one of these infections?
I recommend rest, plenty of fluids, paracetamol, Difflam spray to relieve sore throats, and Lotil for cracked skin. Plus, some good old black and white movies while you’re curled up on the couch.
I appreciate a photo of my nephew Monty, looking out of a cardboard box when he was three years old. I sent my sister a big gift box and for an entire hour she played inside it while her actual gift remained untouched. For him it was a car, a spaceship or a submarine.
Research shows that basic gifts, such as blocks or boxes, are better for young children than devices because they stimulate imagination and help neurological development.
This Christmas, throw away the screens and put away the boxes they came in!
Dr. Max prescribes…
London’s Wellcome Collection, which features exhibitions on the human body, is perfect for kids
If you’re looking for a place to take the kids on vacation, try London’s Wellcome Collection, with exhibits on the human body.
I think it is a hidden gem. A fabulous exhibition by artist Jason Wilsher-Mills about his personal experiences with disability and medicine will be on display until the end of January.