Do you hold a grudge? Are you someone who ruminates and dwells on past arguments, seething with repressed fury and resentment?
It is easy to do. You may have a lasting feeling of anger toward someone who disappointed or bullied you. Maybe someone took credit for her work or made a nasty comment.
Maybe they gossiped about you or created unnecessary drama. It could be something much more trivial and petty. Whatever the reason, you just can’t let go of it, stubbornly refusing to let bygones be bygones.
We have known for years that, from a psychological perspective, this is not healthy. Holding on to anger clouds people’s judgments and affects their mood in the long term.
Now a new study reveals that it can also have a negative impact on our physical health. Scientists have found that even brief attacks of anger, triggered by memories of past experiences, damage blood vessels, increasing the risk of stroke and heart attack.
Holding on to anger clouds people’s judgments and affects their mood in the long term. Even brief bouts of anger damage blood vessels, increasing the risk of stroke and heart attack.
It’s tempting to think that not holding a grudge somehow liberates the other person, but no matter how aggrieved we feel, the reality is that letting our anger fester doesn’t punish the other person at all.
Certainly, making sure your feelings are known is a good thing, but refusing closure only eats you up inside and has little impact on the regret or guilt the other party feels.
There is another aspect to all this. Studies have shown that grudges can foster a sense of self-righteousness, making them even more difficult to let go.
The possessor feels not only justified but convinced that he is right and, therefore, a better person. This type of thinking is also detrimental to our long-term psychological health because it does not allow us to learn from what happened, try to understand it, or even empathize with the other people involved.
Hard feelings are not inevitable. Interestingly, studies have shown that people prone to jealousy, sensitivity, immaturity, negativity, and lack of impulse control may be more likely to hold onto impulses.
Experiencing anger or upset right now is okay, but never processing it will cause problems, and not just for you.
Constantly feeling resentful is something that is upsetting for other people in your life to witness. It seems bitter, unforgiving and ingrained and makes them wonder if, one day, they might find themselves receiving the same treatment.
So, given that grudges are not good for physical or mental health, or for interpersonal relationships, how to let go of them?
Simply acknowledging that the resentment exists could help reduce it.
A study of people who admitted to holding a grudge found that many of them couldn’t even fully remember why. Accepting yours and trying to remember and understand what led you to it can help you gain perspective.
Ask yourself why you have such a strong emotional response to what happened or how someone behaved. Chances are, your feelings are related to something else in your life.
For example, someone forgot their birthday, but the pain this caused is actually tied to deeper fears of being alone, abandoned, or rejected.
Consider your role in what happened and how you would do things differently now. Think about your boundaries and how you make them clear to other people. Remember that letting go of resentment is not necessarily about forgiving, but rather about letting go of holding in anger.
Try to empathize. Instead of rushing to condemn another person, consider why they might have behaved in a certain way. This doesn’t mean you excuse their behavior, but understanding it means it’s easier to let it go.
Avoid jumping to conclusions. We often assume we know what someone was thinking or the motivation behind their actions without being sure.
Could there be an alternative, more charitable explanation for what happened?
Acknowledge your feelings, sit with them, and think about how you can process them in a constructive way that allows you to move forward instead of dwelling on the past.
Focus on developing other coping skills. Practice relaxation techniques, focusing on the positive, exercising and talking calmly with friends.
Get perspective and let go of those negative feelings!
I am confused by people who say that if you care about the NHS you should vote Labor. I think the Conservatives have made a lot of mistakes with the NHS over the years, but you only have to look at the Labour-run NHS in Wales to see what a disaster it has been.
You’re right to wait, Kate.
The Princess of Wales will not return to duty this month as some expected and will not take part in rehearsals for Trooping the Color.
I’m glad you’re taking your time after chemo.
When I worked in cancer treatment many years ago, I remember that patients often felt obligated to do things, from traveling to a wedding to attending a work meeting. I understood the desire to try to return to some semblance of normal life, but very often that would delay your recovery.
The Princess of Wales will not return to duty this month and will not participate in Trooping the Color rehearsals
They would be exhausted for days just because they didn’t want to disappoint others. Cancer patients are also at much higher risk for infections.
She may be our future queen, but Kate is also a mother, and if she has any energy left, she should save it for her three children.
You are setting a great example for us on how to take the time to convalesce.
I love the idea announced by Rishi Sunak that all 18-year-olds will have to do National Service. This is something I have advocated before in this column and I am delighted the Prime Minister has been listening!
Yes, it will give a sense of civic pride that seems sorely lacking in many young people. But it will also be an opportunity to grow psychologically. It will force them to be more independent, respect authority and understand teamwork.
It will allow them to mix with people from other backgrounds while benefiting from structure and discipline. They will learn to be resilient and less obsessed with themselves. In years to come, they will look back with a sense of pride that will drive them for the rest of their lives.
Dr. Max Prescribes… The 20 Minute Rule
This is a surprisingly simple way to drink less. Every time you crave a glass of wine, wait 20 minutes before pouring one. This applies to your first drink of the night, as well as any subsequent drinks.
You can still have the drink after 20 minutes, but it’s a smart way to break the chain of drinking several in quick succession when you’re socializing or break out that “it’s 6pm” o’clock wine for a rosé at the end of the day. habit.
Who knows, at 6:20 p.m. you may not feel like it anymore.
Every time you crave an alcoholic drink, wait 20 minutes before pouring one.