Looking back on our teenage years, most of us are horrified by what happened to us: hormones all over the place, a body that seems out of control, uncertainty about what we want in life and about our place in the grand scheme of things. Few of us would choose to go through it all again.
Especially when you consider that you would also have to relive the horror of exams all over again. Last week, the media was full of lovely stories of students celebrating their A-level successes, but for every happy picture, there will be other teenagers who are currently in despair, with their hopes and plans upended by disappointing results. History will repeat itself this week too with GCSE results.
No matter what well-meaning friends and family say about how exams aren’t the most important thing, for many young people this can be the first big hurdle they face, and it can seem overwhelming.
Last week the media was full of lovely stories of students celebrating their A-level successes, but for every happy picture there will be other teenagers currently in despair, with their hopes and plans upended by disappointing results.
But what is the best way to help as a parent if your child is having trouble accepting bad news?
It’s important to remember that your role is not just to comfort (and literally provide a shoulder to cry on if needed), but also to help put things into perspective. Over the years, I’ve seen many teenagers fall apart after setbacks like poor grades on exams.
Often, the first sign is that they start to isolate themselves: they stop going out, seeing friends, and spend more time at home, often in their rooms.
It is understandable that parents may be reluctant to intervene or may be afraid of making the situation worse. However, in these cases, timely and kind intervention can solve the problem at its root.
Instead of simply trying to downplay their discomfort or giving them a ready-made set of solutions, help them come up with a plan for themselves.
It can be very tempting to rush in and try to “make things better.” However, as motivated as this approach may be, try not to be too pushy, as you may end up pushing them down a path they don’t really want to take.
It’s also important for them to feel in control and learn that they can find a way to overcome adversity on their own, if they put their mind to it. In fact, these kinds of setbacks can be positive learning experiences. And you can support that with a little gentle guidance, reassurance, and encouragement.
The reason why teenagers may struggle with such stressful situations is due to the fact that their brains are not yet fully developed.
There are certainly those – like neuroscientist Sarah-Jayne Blakemore, a professor of psychology at the University of Cambridge – who believe these tests should be scrapped because it is wrong to burden teenagers with crucial exams at a time when their bodies and minds are already going through so many other emotional and physical changes.
While I’m not sure how feasible it is to avoid exams, Professor Blakemore makes an important point: while teenagers themselves would no doubt disagree, however adult they may appear, they are still quite immature, at least as far as their brains are concerned.
Of course, there is always an exception, but brain scans show that their brains are far from fully formed. In particular, the prefrontal cortex (the area that deals with impulse control, delay of gratification, consequences and inhibition of inappropriate behavior) continues to develop well into their 20s.
Evidence also shows that this is particularly true for boys, whose prefrontal cortex typically takes longer to mature than girls’ (it can take 25 years before this area of a young person’s brain fully matures).
This means that even though they know a behavior is wrong or inappropriate, they lack the ability to process the consequences the way most adults would. So stressful events (like high school exam results) can be especially hard. How can you expect them to realize that what may seem momentous now may be a minor setback in just a few years? But there is also another positive side to the fact that the teenage brain is still a work in progress, and this is something I would encourage parents and teens to keep in mind.
I have often seen teenagers struggling with mental health issues who, surprisingly, simply get better over time. While mental health support can help, what has really happened is that their neurological development has caught up and allowed them to better manage and regulate their emotions.
It may seem incredible, but I have seen that time and a supportive environment can allow a troubled teen’s brain to continue to grow and eventually develop neurological connections so that he or she can successfully deal with overwhelming emotions, rather than experiencing them as catastrophic.
Looking back, it can seem nothing short of miraculous to see the transformation that time and perspective can bring to a young adult.
I am totally in favor of Martina adopting
I must admit that I initially struggled with the ethics of Martina Navratilova adopting two young children at the retirement age of 67. Surely, I wondered, this is too old an age to keep up with the physical demands of childhood (something I also wonder about older parents).
Martina Navratilova and her wife Julia Lemigova would offer stability to any child they adopted
But then I thought about it some more. She’s been married to her wife for almost ten years, so they offer stability. And with her athletic background, she could probably outperform many of the unfit-looking parents half her age I see at a school near my house.
Aside from that, I’ve met plenty of children raised by grandparents and that’s what shaped them. Being raised by someone a little older, wiser, more self-assured and less concerned with trends can be a hugely positive experience.
Less attractive people live shorter lives than those judged to be more attractive, research shows.
This adds insult to injury for those not blessed with beauty: studies have shown that attractive-looking people are more likely to be considered intelligent and earn more.
But those of us who fell from the ugly tree and hit ourselves with every branch should not despair: not everything is good news in the land of the beautiful. Studies have also shown that people tend to attribute their success to appearance, not talent or intelligence.
Attractive people also often wonder if people are attracted to them solely because of their beauty, and as surprising as it may seem, they may suffer from low self-esteem. Maybe we shouldn’t feel too jealous.
Research indicates that tanning beds may reduce the chances of premature death, and that the benefits of UV light outweigh the risks of skin cancer. As someone who has had skin cancer surgery, I recommend being cautious. Take a vitamin D supplement instead of taking a tanning bed.
Dr. Max prescribes: A neck fan
The latest trend this summer to help cope with the hot weather is a neck fan, which directs a constant stream of cool air towards your face.
I just returned from a stay at a friend’s house in the south of France.
One afternoon, two elegant ladies joined us for lunch. Both were wearing strange devices hanging from their necks, which turned out to be neck fans, the latest trend.
They direct a steady stream of cool air towards your face. Absolutely brilliant. Can’t get one? A classic folding fan is always a stylish option too.