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How do you know if you’re (whispers) bad in bed? Are you worried that you lack experience or that your lover will be disappointed in having sex with you? Or maybe you think he’s the one who has the problem, since he’s inconsiderate or unenthusiastic between the sheets.
The truth is that neither of the two situations is good for your love life.
New data, from sex education website Beducated’s Decoding Desire survey, found that 60 percent of respondents are unhappy with their sex lives. The worry? Your husband or wife could be one of this majority who wishes their sex life was better.
Sexual and relationship psychotherapist Miranda Christophers counsels many people who fear being “bad in bed.”
She says: ‘It’s crushing. It also leads to performance anxiety, which is counterproductive. You want to live a carefree and open sexual experience, feeling good and safe.’
Here Ms Christophers explains six common obstacles to having great sex and how to get the chemistry bubbling again…
New data, from sex education website Beducated’s Decoding Desire survey, found that 60 percent of respondents are unhappy with their sex lives.
You can only do it with the light off.
When you lack confidence in your body, you don’t feel free to be open or spontaneous, so you are less receptive. You might insist on having sex in the dark or under the covers. It can be helpful to focus on what you like and what feels good.
Setting the mood with music or candles can help you feel sexier, as well as feel secure in your relationship. Knowing what your partner likes about sex with you can be a boost. Take advantage of your wish.
In the middle of passion, you remember that you need to wash…
Some people need a tidy house before they can enjoy sex and give it their full attention. So be aware of what distracts you in the middle of passion.
We perceive sex as good when we feel relaxed, excited and immersed. Good sex is also about being connected: getting lost in the pleasure, without even thinking about the next move, as if you were dancing together. If you get distracted, recognize what’s happening, observe it, and practice thinking, “I’m going to focus on my body sensations.”
You never talk about sex.
If you’re embarrassed to talk about sex with your partner or ask him a question, you can’t be sure what he likes or wants.
Maybe you like quickies, while they like to take their time. Did you notice? I often see this in long-term relationships. People are open and talkative from the beginning, then quietly fall into sex-related patterns. It becomes predictable, a little boring, not exactly what you want it to be. Speaking can be uncomfortable and requires care and tact, but it is important.
You stick to your tried and trusted technique
Your last partner loved that special technique of yours, so it’s natural to think, “I know what I’m doing and what buttons to press.”
But in reality, for every couple, sex is a blank canvas. They start over and learn together, and keep learning. This applies even if you have been married for decades. Preferences can change as bodies change. How sensitive your partner is and how they want to be touched is always evolving.
Your partner is rarely in the mood
Some people have “compulsory sex” because they know their spouse will be angry if they don’t. Yes, it is devastating to trust if you are always the one who convinces the other person to go to bed.
Consent means that both partners want to have sex equally. But there are many reasons why desire levels vary. If you prefer sex in the morning and your partner prefers it at night, you need to talk about this and find something that works for both of you.
If they have argued or are stressed, they may not feel like it. Try not to see it as a rejection. If you can also tune into what helps your partner feel desire (a fun evening together, without a sense of sexual obligation?), your libidos can become more in sync more often.
You’re mortified if you don’t ‘act’
Good sex is not a show. Take the pressure off yourself. Most people prefer genuine connection, intimacy and fun. Men worry about maintaining an erection and it is easy for both partners to focus too much on their partner’s enjoyment.
Instead, focus on the physical sensations you are experiencing. If you continue to learn about what you and your partner like, you will naturally stop worrying about performance.
Miranda Christophers, mirandachristophers.co.uk, is founder of The Therapy Yard. thetherapyyard.co.uk
Beducated is an online sexual education platform for adults. The full results of their Decoding Desire survey can be found at beducated.com
