In my school days, my friends and I spent a large proportion of our time “calculating” whether this child or that was going to be “The One” with various arcane customs.
Like peeling your satsuma in one go, which allowed you to throw the peel over your shoulder and see what letter shape it landed on. I made the mistake of getting angry over a boy named Harry. It is unlikely that an ‘H’ will form with the shell, so that was it.
Today, this kind of obsessive hope has found a new home on TikTok. But modern young women are testing their partners in much more practical ways.
I decided to put my husband of 26 years, who is the father of my two oldest children, through the new romantic obstacles. Read on to see how Anthony fared…
THE ORANGE TEST
Ask your partner to peel an orange for you. If they do it without hesitation, they pass. If they complain, question or refuse, the omens are not good.
My husband is a big fan of morning grapefruit and I often ask him for a segment, so he is well trained. But I make sure to ask when we’re both immersed in the Sunday papers. She gets up and does it without question. Boom, Cupid’s arrow hits.
A viral test consists of asking your partner to peel an orange for you. If they do it without hesitation they pass, but if they complain, question it or refuse, the omens are not good…
THE BECKHAM TEST
Last year, David and Victoria Beckham, married for almost 25 years, released their hit Netflix documentary. A clip of the couple dancing to Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers’ Islands In The Stream went viral on TikTok. This, according to the Internet, were the ultimate “couple goals.”
To find out if your partner matches the Beckhams, put on the song and start dancing. If your partner joins, you pass.
I make sure to put Islands In The Stream on during that slightly flirty time my husband and I have in the kitchen, when I’m making dinner and he’s making a drink and feeding the dogs. I press play.
‘What the hell is this music?’ he grimaces. “Can’t you wear something decent?” Total failure.
The next day, I choose one of his favorites, Cher’s Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves, and sure enough, he responds to my swinging overtures by dancing with me. I count it as a victory.
THE BIRD TEST
This examines how your partner reacts when you talk about something seemingly insignificant, like a bird outside your window. Relationship gurus at the Gottman Institute in the United States place great importance on these “connection offers,” because if your partner responds with genuine curiosity, it’s a sign that they are programmed to connect with you on any level.
‘Look, the robin is back!’ I trill, pointing to the garden. Anthony responds immediately, coming up behind me. ‘Actually? Where? Wow! Have you already gone through his change? I wave my hands weakly to indicate that the bird has flown.
I have a feeling that the bird test shouldn’t generate so much excitement, but hey, we passed.
A clip of David and Victoria Beckham dancing during their Netflix documentary was described as ultimate “couple goals”, so why not try having your partner dance with you without provocation?
THE STRAWBERRY TEST
This test involves asking your partner harmless questions about a fantasy scenario. Their answers give an idea of the stability of their relationship. So:
1. Imagine a strawberry field behind a fence. You are hungry. How tall is the fence?
2. You go to the field and steal berries. How many do you eat?
3. A farmer appears and starts shouting. What are you saying?
4. How did the berries taste and how did you feel stealing them?
The height of the fence your partner represents symbolizes his or her self-control: the higher the fence, the greater his or her level of resistance to sexual temptation.
The number of berries you eat is the number of people you can find yourself in love with at the same time. Their response to the farmer is the same as they would respond if they were caught cheating. And what they felt afterwards is how they would feel about the adventure.
At dinner, after a few glasses of wine, I announce that we are going to play. ‘Anthony, you start. You’re on a walk…’
Passes with great success. He chooses a 6-foot fence, eats only four strawberries, and apologizes to the farmer for succumbing to temptation, expressing regret for her weakness; All of this means that he is unlikely to deviate and will be honest if he does. I feel a little smug.
But I do worry about my friends Kay and Xander, since Kay’s response was to imagine an ankle-high fence and steal “as many strawberries as she can eat,” indicating wild infidelity and zero regrets.