As children – and this is especially true for girls – we are praised for being kind, for helping, and for being accommodating.
Carrying those traits into adulthood gives us greater validation. Being the woman that your friends, your boss, and your colleagues know will say “Yes” to everything helps you move forward in life. Things feel easier if people like you.
And so, “people-pleasing” becomes a personality trait; one that you continue to reinforce, no matter how much pressure it puts on you, no matter how loud that inner voice says, “I don’t have the capacity for this.”
You ignore it, because the only thing that matters is maintaining your ‘Good Girl’ image. Until, finally, you break.
Believe me, you should know.
Constantly trying to please people and not let anyone down is exhausting.
Anna Mathur with Mail columnist Bryony Gordon. The couple share their experiences with nice girl syndrome on Bryony’s podcast, The Life of Bryony.
Psychotherapist Anna Mathur, author of The Uncomfortable Truth, aims to encourage clients to stop fearing what is outside the realm of their control.
When clients describe their pathological need to be perfect, to disappoint no one, to please everyone, I nod in recognition.
The so-called good girl syndrome is debilitating. Three years ago I found myself so exhausted that, for a time, I could barely function. I couldn’t tell my husband what I wanted for dinner; relate to my children; Even to pick up my phone.
All I wanted to do was lie on the couch. My nerves felt so exposed it was like I had lost my skin.
Until then I had been saying “Yes” to every request, no matter what it cost me.
In my constant search for approval, I had been giving myself as if it were an inexhaustible resource.
Now I had nothing left to give. It was a terrifying but vital wake-up call. I needed to set boundaries; It was time to start saying “No.”
Anyone who suffers from nice girl syndrome will balk at the idea of doing it, or anything else that means other people might be less than thrilled with you. The idea that someone doesn’t like you, or doesn’t understand you, or thinks totally good things about you can trigger a visceral response.
Feeling incoming disapproval causes panic, deep feelings of shame, and desperation to change things so that person changes their opinion of you. But that’s not a good way to live.
Because the inconvenient truth is that some people don’t like you. For some, it’s something you did or didn’t do. Others can’t identify why they don’t like you; They just don’t like you, and no amount of pandering or pleading on your part will change that.
And that’s fine. My job as a psychotherapist is to encourage clients to stop fearing what is out of our control. And realizing that our biggest fear – that the people we care about most will abandon us if we show our true selves, which people don’t like – is unfounded. Instead, once you stop constantly trying to please others, life gets better.
It’s a message I share in my book The Uncomfortable Truth and in my conversation with Mail columnist Bryony Gordon on her podcast The Life of Bryony.
On Monday we shared our own experiences with nice girl syndrome, and in today’s follow-up episode we’ll hear listeners talk about their own struggles. And now I want to show you how, by accepting five hard truths, you can stop living for others and start pleasing yourself. . .
IT’S ACTUALLY OKAY TO DISAPPOINT PEOPLE
As disconcerting as it may seem, disappointing people is a really healthy thing to do. I don’t mean going out of your way to disappoint someone.
If someone really cares about you, then they can handle a little disappointment.
But if saying “Yes” would mean prioritizing someone else’s wishes over your own well-being (for example, taking on a task at work when you’re already overloaded or attending a friend’s party when you really need a quiet evening), then it’s perfectly fine. reasonable. Put yourself first by saying “No.”
If someone really cares about you, then they can handle a little disappointment. You’re just infantilizing them by assuming they can’t. So instead of pretending like you’d be happy to do it, honestly explain your situation. But not too much. After all, “No” is a complete sentence. If you are important enough to them, they will get over it.
TURNING PEOPLE OFF WON’T MAKE THEM LIKE YOU
We’ve all heard of the fight or flight response. It is when, in a challenging situation, we confront our attacker or freeze emotionally.
However, there is actually a third reaction in such situations, called the Fawn Response. This is where you smear the person who makes you feel threatened in an attempt to get them to like you.
I did this with a girl in college, who I felt was constantly upset with me. However, no matter how much he fawned on her, nothing worked. I would lie there at night, racking my brain over what I might have done or said.
Finally, during a night out that included several drinks, he confessed that he didn’t like her because she reminded him of his horrible cousin.
The root of the problem had nothing to do with me, as is often the case.
If someone doesn’t like you, instead of desperately trying to rectify the situation, try to make peace with it. If they have already made a decision about you, then wasting energy trying to change it becomes an exhausting and fruitless task.
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE FEELINGS OF OTHERS
One of the most transformative things that helped me get out of the nice girl syndrome was realizing that I am not responsible for other people’s feelings.
I am responsible for my own behavior – for not being cruel or unpleasant – but what someone feels as a result of me saying “No” is something they have to deal with, not me.
Yes, someone can feel hurt when a decision you make does not directly benefit them.
But if they behave badly as a result, causing conflict or upset, then it is entirely their fault.
And if someone is hurt because of you and you are not aware of it, then it is their responsibility to tell you or let it go.
BEING HONEST DOES NOT MAKE ME ‘DIFFICULT’
Being a good girl often manifests itself as pretending to be someone you’re not.
You say you like foods you can’t stand; you hum music you don’t like. I’ve even met women who continue to respond when their name is mispronounced, without wanting to correct the person doing it. We do all this to avoid being considered “difficult” or likely to offend. Ultimately, the underlying fear here is that of rejection.
But isn’t it better to be your authentic self? And not just for your own good. The person you are giving a false impression to surely deserves to be allowed to know the real you.
I DESERVE TO PUT MY OWN NEEDS FIRST
The times when I have been most pleasing to the world are also the times when I have felt the most suffocated and depressed. Being a good girl means doing things you really don’t want to do.
He sees you saying things you don’t really mean. It requires you to suppress your own needs and emotions in order to attend to those of others.
Saying “No” is difficult at first. But with practice it gets easier.
You see how the world keeps turning, people don’t turn their backs on you, and those feelings of being constantly overwhelmed start to subside.
You also discover that not being a good girl doesn’t automatically make you a bad girl. You simply find the freedom to be your authentic self: a woman whose wants and needs you can prioritize.
Which is exactly what you deserve.
