In these homes, great value is placed on achievements. I think the way these kids are created sends the message, “You’re not good enough. You need to achieve it. You are not accepted.”
When children fight, it is especially devastating. Some children have disabilities from being born prematurely, which used to be a big risk with IVF. Or they have learning difficulties or autism.
Sometimes parents chose an egg donor and later discovered she had psychiatric problems. Then the child is seen through that lens, which can be quite devastating and traumatic: “Your donor is crazy, so you must be crazy, too.”
The child grows up feeling very different, knowing it was an experiment but not receiving the proper support or acceptance they need to thrive. Because there is no caregiver who says, “I understand you.” There is nothing like that.
In my work I help parents accept: this is the child you have. And I help children accept the reality of their parents and forge a relationship that is less harmful, or build a life without them.
Many of my families have neurodiverse members who need help making abstract concepts concrete. Sometimes it is enough to explain that “you and your child are not the same person.” Or let’s say a teenager doesn’t feel loved. You may need to clarify that “love” is not a tangible feeling, like being pinched or kicked. It means that someone cares for you like you care for Legos or drones.
In high school, many teens connect with half-siblings through 23andMe, sometimes with people who live all over the world. It is common in these families to have different egg donors for different children because they have tried to have, say, an athletic son and an artistic daughter. What do you do when one of your children has found their half-siblings and is bonding, while your other child is not having a good experience with their new relatives? Who are you inviting to Thanksgiving?
I really feel for the moms. They’re trying to balance everyone’s expectations and keep it all together. But it is also unfair for parents. Because I’m not sure dads can accurately predict human behavior. They can probably predict actions, but human behavior has too many variables. I don’t know if anyone is making sure parents understand that they can’t test drive a child and then send them back.
Trying to control your child is a recipe for disaster. The child is going to rebel. If you have a preconceived notion of what they’re going to be like, you’re going to be very disappointed or you’re going to put them into a mold and it won’t work.
Maybe sometimes it works, but those people don’t come to me.
—Told to Emi Nietfeld