Dear Jane,
My wife and I have been together for three years and married for just over one. We have a lot in common, except when it comes to politics.
We live in Pennsylvania, so we know a lot of Democrats and Republicans, and everything in between. I enjoy having a wide range of friends, regardless of where they are on the political spectrum.
I’ve always known my wife is a liberal, but that’s never really been an issue, especially since we met shortly after the last election.
Donald Trump was gone and she was happy with a Biden presidency. But I’ve been an avid Trump supporter since he ran in 2016.
When it became clear that Trump would be the Republican nominee this time, the political differences between us began to show.
Dear Jane: My wife says she won’t sleep with me if I vote for Trump.
We agree on most situations, but when it comes to Trump, she is extremely set in her ways. She constantly says how much she hates him whenever he appears on the news and repeatedly asks me how I can support him.
We had to turn off the debate between Trump and Kamala Harris midway because we couldn’t stop arguing. I don’t think our marriage would have survived a second debate!
So, as the election approaches, we’ve decided to stop talking politics altogether. We have stopped watching the news when we are both at home. We do not discuss what we are reading.
This new dynamic was working pretty well, until this week, when my wife declared the morning after a particularly steamy bedroom session the night before: I’ll be put on a ‘sex ban’ if I vote for Trump.
She says that because the race in Pennsylvania is so close, my vote alone could change the entire outcome of the election, and she refuses to have sex with me unless I vote for Harris… or don’t vote in absolute.
Obviously, I am. No I’m going to vote for Harris. I am desperate for a second Trump presidency. But I couldn’t live without our sex life either. How can I explain to my wife that I can’t change my beliefs so easily?
Of,
Lone trumpeter
Dear Lonely Trumpeter:
Leaving aside the sensitive and hugely divisive topic of this election, I would like to focus on the ultimatum that has been given.
Ultimatums are generally never good in a relationship. The fact that your wife issued one is concerning and illustrates the need for both of you to work on your communication skills.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ hottest topics in her agony aunt column
Healthy relationships require communication and kindness above all else. Curiosity is key. Given the political discord between you, a healthy approach might be to talk to each other about why you like the candidates you like, what fears you have, and your hopes for the next four years.
Try to understand why the other person is so committed to their side, rather than punishing them for that choice.
Boundaries in relationships can be positive. A healthy boundary set by your wife, for example, might have been a request that you not discuss her politics, so that she can protect herself from harm.
An ultimatum, on the other hand, is deeply controlling and is never a healthy way to communicate as it will inevitably lead to resentment. Unfortunately, resentment rarely goes away on its own.
On the other hand, resentment that is not addressed, that is not discussed openly where both parties can listen to the other, will always fester, creating bigger and more damaging problems.
There is no easy answer to your problem. As in the upcoming elections, there may not be a clear winner.
But political differences have broken up countless families and marriages. So unless you intend to become one of them, I urge you and your wife to find a professional therapist or counselor to help you overcome your differences and find a way to communicate without needing to control each other.
Dear Jane,
My husband and I have friends of 30 years who have recently gone vegan.
Every time we see them, they insist on cooking only vegan or eating in vegan restaurants.
Why is it just about what they can eat? The wife even made a fuss at our daughter’s wedding, demanding that a waiter get her a vegan meal.
We love you very much, but we are tired of the lack of consideration on your part. What can we do?
Of,
meat moan
Dear meat moan,
I often find that people’s intransigence around food choices is due to a need to be “special.” This particularly occurs when they do a big public chant and dance about what they will and will not eat. If you can, find compassion.
Most people live their lives quietly, without needing to impose their needs on others. Those who do so often express long-hidden (often infantile) feelings about the need to be important, to stand out in some way.
The fact that her friend made a fuss at her daughter’s wedding leads me to believe that this happens to her too.
He could easily have brought his own food or organized something beforehand, quietly. Your creation of a scene leads me to believe there is more going on here.
You don’t have to always follow their example. Find a restaurant you’d like to go to and reach out ahead of time to make sure the kitchen can accommodate vegan options for your friends. That way, everyone will be happy.
Dear Jane,
My widowed father is 79 years old. He has a “friend” that I can’t stand.
She is really a parasite. She doesn’t pay for anything. He takes her everywhere and always pays the bill for drinks or dinner, although he receives a fixed income from his pension.
When I criticize her, he says ‘don’t you want me to be happy?’
Of course she does, but it’s always about what HE can do for her, never what SHE can do for him.
How can I protect it?
Of,
Worried child
Dear worried child,
Unfortunately, you can’t protect your father.
Despite his advanced age and his conviction that he is being taken advantage of, he is an adult, who has his own life and makes his own decisions.
This is a very common dilemma. I have a friend right now whose ninety-something father is spending all his money on a woman thirty-five years his junior. It is clearly a situation where the father is being taken advantage of, but there is little to be done.
Try to focus on the fact that, however greedy you may find this woman, she is easing your father’s loneliness, giving him comfort and companionship.
As difficult as it may be to hear, it is not your place to dictate how your father will live the rest of his life.
Perhaps it would be better for your relationship to see him alone, keep quiet about your friend, and for you to focus on easing the burden of caring for him, which is a responsibility that often falls solely on children. .