DEAR JANE: My wife is accusing me of CHEATING on her – just because I made a simple lifestyle change

Dear Jane,

For years now I have felt quite miserable with my body. I’ve always been a big guy (I guess you could say I have the typical ‘dad bod’) and that has made me feel self-conscious for much of my adult life.

I am very lucky in many ways. I have a great wife, two wonderful kids, and I’m doing pretty well at work.

But after years of looking in the mirror and feeling upset or upset by what I saw, I finally did something about it. I talked to people at work, who take a lot of pride in their bodies, and decided to join a local gym and sign up with one of the trainers who has worked with many of my colleagues.

It may sound strange, but I was a little reluctant to tell my wife. I don’t know if it was fear of failure or shame, but I felt guilty for spending so much money on what is, really, my own vanity.

So I started telling him that I had to go to work a little earlier, do my exercises, and then go to the office as usual.

After a few weeks of this, I noticed that my wife had started to get irritable with me every time I walked in the door at the end of the day. And she started making some snarky comments about how “important” my “job” must be if she was willing to spend every waking hour away from her and the kids.

I tried to talk to her about it on several occasions and she finally told me that she had suspected that I had been cheating on her for a while, a suspicion that eventually led her to look at my phone, where she found several text messages from Jenny (my coach) talking about When would we meet? Which basically led her to the conclusion that I was having an affair.

My first instinct was to laugh (wrong reaction, I know) because the truth is far from that, but my response just made her blindly angry. I’ve tried to explain myself but she won’t see reason! I even offered to introduce her to Jenny so she can see for herself that nothing is wrong, but no one will talk about her.

I’ve come to love my exercises, I love that they’re making me a stronger, healthier man… but now I’m afraid I’ll have to give them up to save my marriage.

What do I do here?

Of,

Sweating

Dear sweating,

Congratulations on discovering the benefits that exercise can bring and condolences for the mess you’ve gotten yourself into.

Without knowing all the details, it doesn’t seem that complicated to prove to your wife that you haven’t had an affair. A visit to the gym to see what you do, who you know, and the community you have will surely calm her fears about infidelity.

As for vanity, you may have started exercising because of vanity, but as you are discovering, the benefits are many, including the benefits to your health, which will far outweigh the vanity.

Your health, your mood, your own self-respect – all of this will be helped by exercise.

Please don’t let an inability to communicate well stop you from doing something that is so beneficial to you.

If your wife still refuses to come to the gym, I suggest you arrange a visit to a couples counselor. This can provide you with a safe place to tell him why she started going, why she felt the need to hide it from you, as well as bring out her shame and guilt.

Your wife can safely express her own fears and pain at what feels like betrayal to her, and I hope they can both find their way back to each other with grace.

Dear Jane,

I moved in with one of my closest friends at the beginning of the year and I’m already freaking out about her disgusting habits.

I’ve been friends with this girl since high school and I absolutely love her, she’s one of the closest people to me in my life. We’ve all been through it together. But we ended up going to different colleges, although we saw each other as much as possible, so I never really experienced living with her.

But she’s my best friend, so when she suggested we move in together we found out we were both moving to New York for work.

To say it’s been a disaster would be an understatement. Because it turns out that while she’s a wonderful person, she’s also a disgusting slob. And believe me when I say I’m not being picky here.

He never washes the dishes and leaves the pots covered in sauces, oil and grease cooking for weeks. Our shared bathroom is a horrible mess of half-used shampoo bottles, leftover toothpaste all over the sink, hair strewn across the shower walls, poop stains on the toilet… you name it, I’ve seen it.

I tried to talk to her about it, but she always brushes it off and says we’re young, we live in New York, and we have better things to do with our time than clean.

Neither of us makes enough money to pay a housekeeper, so I always end up cleaning up his mess myself. But to tell the truth, I’m exhausted. And I think the best thing I can do to save my mental health is to move.

I just have no idea how to tell him?

Of,

Absolutely disgusting

Dear Absolutely Dirty,

I sit here, cowering in horror at the description of their living conditions. They say you never really know someone until you live with them, and as you’re now discovering, there are aspects of your friend that will end up destroying the friendship if you continue living together.

You’ve already tried talking to her about it and she clearly doesn’t mind living in filth, something you won’t be able to change. Even if you could afford a weekly housekeeper, those toilets and sinks won’t clean themselves in the meantime…

You seem to love your friend, who has many wonderful qualities. She doesn’t see how much she’s disrespecting you by ignoring the one thing you’re asking for.

What I am sure of is that people do not change, unless they decide to change for themselves. She’s already shown you that she’s not willing to respect your needs, which means your resentments are likely to grow and grow into an explosion that could very well spell the end of your friendship.

Agree to separate now, for the sake of that friendship.

Tell her the truth. I know you’ve already told her this, so while she shouldn’t surprise you, she hopes she’s surprised: people rarely hear how difficult her behavior is until it’s too late.

She may say she’ll change her ways once you tell her you’re moving, but if she’s naturally so messy and dirty, the change is unlikely to last.