Dear Jane,
My sister and her husband got divorced last year and everything was very ugly.
There were rude insults, fights over money and arguments about who would get what.
This whole messy saga left my sister wanting to get him out of her life for good, which was understandable.
But then he demanded that our entire family do the same, and that was something I wasn’t willing to do.
Her husband and I were friends before they started dating.
I introduced them!
Dear Jane, My sister and her husband divorced last year and it was very ugly.
I’ve known him for over a decade, and to be honest, I often enjoy spending time with him more than her.
Dirty divorce aside, he’s a great guy and one of the few men I would consider part of my close friend group.
When I told my sister that I didn’t feel comfortable cutting him out of my life, she got angry with me. But I calmly told her that I don’t think it’s fair to force me to pretend that he doesn’t exist.
At first he took it well and let it go, but then he started pestering me about it, asking me a bunch of questions about what I was doing, what we had been talking about, and when I had last seen him.
I started to feel like I was being used as a spy.
In the end I refused to continue saying things to her and – surprise! – she exploded again, demanding that I stop talking to her.
So I told her the truth: he’s more of a friend to me than she’s ever been.
Now she’s turned things into a full-blown drama, dragging our entire family into it and trying to get them on her side.
I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her the truth, but it seemed like the only way to help her move on. But I only added fuel to the fire for her sad story.
Jane, how would you handle this?
Of,
Sibling rivalry
Dear sibling rivalry:
Lord, how I hate this idea of having to take sides during a divorce.
Yes, divorce is brutal. And yes, people often feel angry at those they once loved.
But for a sister to demand unhealthy loyalty from her brother and his family – and expect them to turn their lives upside down to satisfy her thirst for revenge – is unacceptable.
That’s what it’s all about. Your sister wants to use you as a tool to punish her ex. That’s unfair.
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I have even met resentful divorcees who seek to turn their children against the other parent.
To me, this is a particularly heinous act, especially when children often already feel lost and confused by their parents’ separation.
In general, this type of behavior is destructive for everyone involved.
Sibling rivalry, you must be very firm with your sister.
Tell him that you are no longer willing to talk about his ex in any way.
Explain to her that you have not taken sides, but that you simply will not talk to her about him, or vice versa.
In fact, you are trying to help her heal by not giving in to her impulse to engage in toxic behavior.
The longer you hold on to your anger, the longer it will take you to accept your divorce and move on with your life.
Stay strong when she inevitably explodes.
It takes two to fight. If she ignores your wishes and tries to argue, walk away calmly.
If your sister refuses to accept your point of view, then unfortunately you may have to spend some time apart. Distance can give you some perspective.
Your family will see your measured response and support your stance because you are truly acting in the best interest of your sister and your family.
I wish you luck.
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