Dear Jane,
My sister and I have never had the easiest relationship – we’re 12 years apart (I was the ‘oops’ of the family!) – so we didn’t spend much time growing up together and she never showed any interest in getting together. once I moved out of our parents’ house.
I’ve tried a lot to connect with her, and after my husband and I moved back to the town where I grew up, we finally started to bond a little. We scheduled weekly ‘sisters’ nights’ where we would go out to dinner, usually get a little drunk and complain about our respective spouses, and she would complain about how badly her kids were behaving.
Then two weeks ago I found out I’m pregnant. After what has been a really complicated situation IVF journey. And he couldn’t wait to share the news with her.
Dear Jane, My sister cheated on me as soon as she found out she was pregnant; She hasn’t spoken to me since I told her the news.
I confess that I did it in a somewhat embarrassing way; When the waiter came to take our drink orders, I ordered a ‘virgin margarita’ thinking my sister would pick up what I was leaving behind. But she missed it and instead insisted on asking me for a normal one, so I ended up spilling the news.
Maybe I was naïve to expect her to be excited for me, but her unimpressed reaction kind of… surprised me?
He sat there for what seemed like a few minutes and then just said, ‘Oh, so you’re not going to drink?’ More for me, I guess. Not even a ‘congratulations’.
We continued with our dinner and covered all the usual topics, but the news of my pregnancy was not mentioned again. I figured maybe she was tired or maybe feeling nostalgic for the times she shared pregnancy news, so I let it go.
But when I texted him a few days later to arrange the location of our next night out, I got no response. I continued and once again I was totally fooled.
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At that point I got a little worried so I texted her husband, who told her he would make sure she got my messages, so…nothing.
I’m really worried that all of this has something to do with my pregnancy, but I can’t determine if she’s upset for some strange reason, upset, or jealous. Whatever the reason, I’m not sure if she should give him space to deal with it or just keep harassing her until she responds.
What would you do?
Of,
Pregnant break
Dear Pregnant Pause,
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy; What an exciting time, especially considering how exhausting IVF can be. With such important, life-changing news, we hope those around us share our joy, and I understand how painful it is when your news and happiness is completely ignored.
Even more so when it’s from a family member and someone you’ve worked hard to bond with, even though there wasn’t a natural connection at first.
There are a couple of things that stand out to me, the first is that when you get together with your sister, you both focus on what’s wrong in your respective lives, complaining about your spouses and children, which is not a healthy dynamic for nobody. , family or not.
What I know to be true is that life is where you look. If you focus on what is wrong, you will always get more. It’s very easy to focus on the negative, which can create a joyless life. When we are not happy in our lives, in our marriages, someone else’s good news is not something we can rejoice about.
I urge you to feel compassion for your sister and abandon any expectation that she will share your delight. I’m not sure she’s capable and life is so much easier when we can meet people where they are.
Don’t let his inability to rejoice with you affect your enjoyment of this pregnancy.
His behavior has nothing to do with you. You have to let go of wanting her to be someone she is not, and doing or saying something she is not capable of. Let yourself go and surround yourself with people who are truly excited for you.
Blood is not always thicker than water, no matter how much we wish it were. Sending lots of love to you and your future baby.
Dear Jane,
I am a married, housewife and mother of two children, I live in a comfortable house, in a wonderful neighborhood. And I’m very bored.
It sounds crazy (trust me when I say that my two kids, both under 10, keep me very busy during the day), but the monotony of my life is really starting to get to me.
It’s the same thing day after day, and I can’t shake this feeling of wanting to free myself from all my responsibilities and head for the hills.
Listen, I love my family. Yes. And there was no way I was going to walk away and leave them behind. But the constant cleaning, organizing, moving, preparing dinner… it’s too much. It’s so boring!
Most of my friends are in a similar situation to me in that they are also stay-at-home moms, but none of them seem to have the same problems as me. When I mentioned it in the past, they made comments about how nice it must be for me to have enough free time to be bored. But that is not all. My day is full of activities, but those activities do nothing to enrich my life.
My own mother keeps telling me to find a hobby, but I feel like pottery classes or language courses won’t help me get out of this rut.
Any other idea?
Of,
Bored to tears
Dear Bored to Tears,
There is nothing in your letter that makes you seem crazy. As a mother who worked throughout her pregnancies, who practically single-handedly supported her family throughout the entire process, I can feel total empathy.
As you may have discovered, there are many women who love being housewives. But it’s not for everyone.
Whenever I give talks to young women, I advise them to always have something for themselves. Working (or fundraising and acts of service) allows us to be defined as more than just someone’s wife or mother.
Some women are delighted with the position: the number of emails I used to receive from addresses like jacksmom@gmail.com was staggering. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with being a mother and a homemaker, but unless you keep something for yourself, a space in your life where you feel fulfilled not as a wife or mother but as a woman, nine times out of ten. When the kids leave home, you will find yourself completely and utterly lost.
You are experiencing it before most. Make the change.
I would suggest looking for a part-time job that allows you to be there for the kids when they need you, but that satisfies that part of you that is dying. You don’t have to explain your choice to anyone.
Many will not understand it, but they will know that if you are happy and fulfilled, your children will also be happier and you will be giving them a wonderful example of what it means to be a multifaceted, confident and content woman.