Dear Jane,
I spent 28 years married to a narcissist who made my life a living hell. Turning on me at every available opportunity, verbally tormenting me, making me feel horrible about my appearance, my personality, my life… everything.
You may be wondering why I chose to stay with him for so long, and there are two reasons: My daughters.
Despite his horrible treatment of me, he is a wonderful father. He adored our two daughters so dearly, so much so that there were times when I began to resent them, wondering how he was able to show them so much love, when all he showed me was hate and evil.
I couldn’t reconcile those two people.
Dear Jane, I spent decades married to an evil narcissist; Now that we have divorced, he is using his evil tactics to turn our daughters against me.
As soon as our youngest daughter turned 22 and graduated from college, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He was shocked and immediately responded with every vile insult you could imagine, and then some on top of that.
He threatened me, told me I would be nothing without him, and even said he would take my children away from me, something that terrified me to my core, even though I knew it was legally impossible for him to do so once they were adults.
I was resolute in my decision and luckily the divorce was pretty quick.
But then my daughters slowly started to turn against me thanks to the lies he told them.
He posed as the innocent victim in all of this, made it seem like I had blindsided him with the divorce and left him heartbroken, and they both quickly rushed to his side to offer support and comfort, leaving me alone. being eaten up inside by the truth of what really happened between us.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ hottest topics in her column Dear Jane, Agony Aunt
The last thing I want to do is damage your relationship with him. Not because I care in the least about causing him pain, but because I don’t want to destroy the image they’ve had of him for so long.
But I’m going crazy feeling like my own narrative is being swept under the rug and, worse, completely rewritten.
Is there a way we can share the truth with them without destroying the bond between father and daughter?
Of,
trauma survivor
Dear Trauma Survivor,
I have met many women who have gone through exactly what you are going through.
Girls love their dads, no matter how narcissistic or toxic they may be, and it’s been painful for me to see men like this engage in parental alienation, turning their children against their mothers.
Her children are old enough to know the truth, without having to throw her husband under the bus.
I would sit down with them and explain that there is always more than one side to the story and that you would like to share your experience. I would add that you will never say anything harmful about his father and that you recognize that even though your marriage didn’t work out and you weren’t happy, he is a wonderful father to them.
In general, I have found in life that the truth comes to light.
Give things enough time, fly away, and ignore their bad behavior, and I suspect your kids will probably come to see the truth.
Their father is already pressuring them to make a decision. Don’t try to pull them in the other direction. Support them with love, don’t try to turn them against their father, but explain why you weren’t happy enough to leave.
You’ll probably be surprised at how much you already know.