Dear Jane,
I’m currently pregnant with my first child – a baby boy – and I’m incredibly excited!
I’ve always wanted to be a mother and have been inventing names for my own children since I was a child myself (yes, I’m one of those people!).
When I found out I was having a boy, my husband discussed each of our favorite names and settled on our perfect choice pretty quickly. We haven’t really shared it with anyone because we don’t want any judgment or opinion to impact our choice when we’re both so happy with it.
But my mother pressured me relentlessly to share it with her, so finally, thinking it would be a special moment she could enjoy as a first-time grandmother, I told her.
To my surprise, she seemed furious as soon as the name passed my lips. When I asked her what her problem was, she told me she was incredibly hurt and offended that I wouldn’t name my son after his late grandfather.
Dear Jane, My mother is incredibly angry with me because I don’t want to name my oldest son after my late father…but I couldn’t bear to give my child such an old-fashioned nickname.
I told her we planned to use both my father’s name and my father-in-law’s name for our son’s middle names, but she said that wasn’t enough. That I was tarnishing my father’s memory by “relegating” his name to an intermediate nickname.
My mother still grieves a lot over the loss of my father, so I understand, at least in part, where she’s coming from. And I know she is currently acting out of emotion rather than logic or compassion.
When I told my husband, who is the biggest idiot in the world, about my conversation with her, he readily agreed to change our son’s name – but I don’t want to.
I love my dad and honor his memory as best I can every day, but he had a very outdated name and I just couldn’t do that to my child!
International bestselling author Jane Green offers insightful advice on DailyMail.com readers’ most burning questions in her column “Jane’s Dear Agony Aunt.”
Calling him Ambrose after my father seems… well… mean?
I know what children are like, and I know that they tease others about everything possible, and that giving my son such an outdated name is like setting him up for torment.
Personally, I don’t think my father would have cared at all whether my son had his name or not, but I don’t want it to hurt my mother or damage my relationship with her.
Is there a way to reach common ground?
From,
Nickname Mayhem
Dear nickname Mayhem,
It’s your baby, not your mother’s, and while she has every right to her opinion, the name of this baby is not a decision she gets to decide, no matter how unfortunate. ‘she could be.
You’ve already presented a happy medium, which is entirely reasonable.
Most people do exactly what you did: give their child the middle name of a beloved relative, living or deceased.
Your mother’s fury has nothing to do with you. You also shouldn’t be guilty or manipulated into changing your decision. For her to ask you this is unreasonable and unfair.
The only thing you can do is stick to your guns. Tell your mother, calmly and kindly, that you and your partner chose the name, that you’re sorry she’s not happy, but that that’s the end of the discussion.
Give him time and space to get over it, and know that you’re doing the right thing and don’t need to change your decision to make someone else happy.
