Dear Jane,
I met my wonderful husband 14 years ago. He is everything I ever hoped to find in a life partner. We balance each other, we have the same interests, goals and sense of humor. We love each other truly, unconditionally and selflessly.
While our marriage is strong, it has not been without its challenges.
My mother-in-law is horrible. Over the years, she has said and done things that have left me wondering how my husband could have been raised by someone who is the antithesis of who he is.
She ruins every visit and vacation with her antics. She deliberately picks fights with my husband and father-in-law. For my husband’s sake, I stay away from the madness and simply rant about it on our long drives home.
Both my husband and his father are insensitive to his hysteria, but I am not.
Dear Jane: My mother-in-law bullies me because I am infertile.
A few years ago, my husband and I discovered that we cannot have children due to infertility and it has been devastating for us.
We share this news with our parents because they have been questioning us for a long time about when we were going to start a family and it is a very disturbing topic for us. It’s still very raw and even now it makes me cry talking about it.
During our most recent visit, my mother-in-law continued talking about my husband’s cousin and his “brood” of children. After a while, my husband finally said, ‘You know, Mom, we really don’t want to hear about this.’
That’s when she lost control. She shouted something like, ‘Well, how do you think I feel!’ All my friends have grandchildren and I don’t. I understand that it bothers you, but I have to live without ever being a grandmother! Do you have any idea what that’s like for me?
His outburst surprised me. She resents us for what we are struggling with and desperately wishes we could change.
This feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back. I love my husband very much and I don’t want to upset him, but I don’t know if I can maintain a relationship with my evil mother-in-law.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ hottest topics in her agony aunt column
What do I have to do?
Warmly,
daughter in hell
Dear daughter in hell:
My heart is with you. Believe me, I know what it’s like to deal with mother-in-law hysteria.
I also know that if you and your husband don’t set clear boundaries, a toxic mother-in-law can destroy a marriage.
I write this in the wake of my 18-year marriage to a man I loved deeply, but which came to an end in part because of my future future. former mother-in-law.
The priority in every marriage should be each other, never the in-laws, so it is important that you work together on this.
My advice is that you both take some distance from your husband’s mother, for the peace and health of your marriage.
If your husband decides to see you alone, that is his choice. For your emotional health, you may want to seek therapy or other outside guidance. I especially recommend the book ‘Stop Walking on Eggshells’ by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger.
I’m glad your husband was able to step in and defend you both during your recent visit.
Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do to protect him from his emotionally unstable mother. It is enormously difficult for men to grow up in homes with a father like that. Children of particularly needy mothers often play inappropriate roles. They can be “parentified” and made responsible for the well-being of their mothers when the care dynamic ought be the other way around.
As a result, these men often grow up with no idea how to set appropriate boundaries. When their toxic mothers yell “jump,” they ask how high.
Be careful: Bad moms tend to lash out when a daughter-in-law gets in their way. Know that their behavior has nothing to do with you and do what you can to protect yourself.
Dear Jane,
My dear husband is 55 years old, 8 years older than me. We have been married for 16 years and together for 18.
He is a very practical man and helps me and our son.
For a long time we had a very physical relationship and the sex was good. However, for the past five years we have had no physical affection or intimacy.
He sleeps on the couch and makes no effort to come to bed at night, much less touch me, hug me, or kiss me.
My husband knows this bothers me. I told him I miss the intimate part of our marriage and tried to initiate physical affection, but my efforts were rebuffed.
Every time I bring it up to him, his response is “I’ll take a look” (like it’s a work appointment!) or that he’s “tired.”
However, I know that he stays up late watching porn on TV, as it usually appears on those channels when I turn it on the next morning.
This really bothers me because he obviously still has sexual desires. I feel that we are cohabitants and no longer a loving marriage.
I told him a few months ago that I don’t want to stay in a marriage where I don’t feel loved or wanted. He said he would make an effort but so far…nothing.
About five months ago, my ex-fiancé of 25 years unexpectedly got in touch on social media and we chatted for months. Eventually, it became more than two exes talking. Our conversations became sexual. It made me feel wanted and desired, something I hadn’t felt in years.
We finally met and the inevitable happened: we had sex.
This hasn’t progressed any further since then, but it made me realize what I’m missing in my marriage.
I feel so alone, sad and abandoned in my marriage and I don’t know what to do.
Of,
neglected wife
Dear neglected wife,
Infidelity is never something that should be tolerated. However, given the context you’ve provided, I can’t say I’m the least bit surprised that you had a one-night stand with your ex-fiancé.
The feeling of being desired, the need to be touched and made to feel beautiful are among the most basic human instincts.
No matter how well a couple can provide for their family, there is only so long someone can be expected to go to bed alone and unwanted.
A marriage is much more than financial stability. It’s about companionship, getting our needs met, and being able to change our behavior when we know it’s bothering our spouse.
At the moment, you don’t get any of these things.
But before I suggest you throw the baby out with the bathwater, I wonder if your husband would be willing to address what appears to be a porn addiction.
The common effects of a bad porn addiction (the inability to connect with loved ones, sexual dysfunction, loss of interest in any activity not related to porn) certainly seem to be present.
As difficult as this is to hear, unless your husband is willing to acknowledge his problem, I don’t see any hope for your marriage.
Addiction is a terrible disease and it is practically impossible to cure it without outside intervention.
I suggest you speak to an addiction expert immediately while you figure out how to broach the topic with your husband.
Addicts often become defensive when confronted. But the fact that he’s sleeping on the couch downstairs and you haven’t had sex or physical intimacy for five years is a huge problem that needs to be addressed head-on.
An addiction counselor or therapist will help you find the best way to broach the topic with him.
Neither of us can, nor should, continue like this. It’s time for things to change.
