I gave birth to my second child eight months ago now and have had a somewhat difficult postpartum period in terms of health.
I had some pretty horrible tears that made it difficult to do anything active for weeks after my son was born and the pregnancy in general was much harder than it was with my firstborn.
I finally started to feel a little more like myself, but the process was quite slow – and my husband was very supportive throughout the process.
As you can probably imagine, our sex life really took a nosedive while all this was going on, but recently I’ve been feeling more ready to get back into the swing of things. Finally!
So, over dinner last week, I started discussing it with my husband, telling him that I was ready to start restarting things, so to speak – and he made a comment that made me honestly shook to my core.
He said I should probably focus more on getting my body back into shape before discussing sex…so we could both “feel real attraction again.”
Dear Jane, My husband told me he wanted me to have a mommy makeover because he was no longer attracted to me after I gave birth to two children.
I was so hurt that I couldn’t say anything.
And in fact, it only got worse. He said he had studied some cosmetic and surgical procedures that he said “many mothers do after birth” to help them “feel better again.”
He told me that “mommy makeovers” are completely normal these days and that “we” should think about it.
I never thought about having plastic surgery and I am shocked that my husband is now demanding that I do it.
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When I asked him what type of makeover he thought I needed, he told me that the “standard” procedures involve a breast lift, a tummy tuck and vaginal rejuvenation, which he said “look pretty basic”.
I told him I would think about it, honestly, just to shut him up so I would have time to think.
Since then, I can’t stop repeating the conversation in my head over and over again. I guess that means he’s no longer attracted to me, which doesn’t seem like a problem that can be fixed by going under the knife?
Where do we go from here?
Dear Postpartum Pity,
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but what a heartless man your husband is.
Your body has just undergone the most enormous change, producing a new human being, turning everything upside down – physically, mentally, emotionally – and he’s putting pressure on you to have surgery to make him happy?
Frankly, it’s not his decision to make.
Any type of plastic surgery carries enormous risks; as someone who has never considered any sort of procedure, the last thing in the world you should do is consider this in order to satisfy someone else’s superficial desires.
And yet you say he supported you throughout.
Given this, I hope there is still hope for him and that he simply has no idea how hurtful, inappropriate and just plain wrong his comments are.
Sit him down when baby is sleeping, preferably in a calm, relaxed atmosphere, and tell him how you felt when he said that to you.
Tell her what you think about plastic surgery and explain to her that many women never get their postpartum body back.
If it’s a breakup, you’ll want to know as soon as possible.
The one thing I know is true about marriage is that it is cyclical.
Good times pass, as do bad – giving relationships enough time and acceptance, learning to love people for who they are, in good times and bad, brings a grace and comfort that affirms the life.
I don’t know if your husband is up to the challenge, or if he just had a moment of unconsciousness, but neither will you until you sit him down and have a conversation honest about how his words and desires made you feel. . I wish you good.