DEAR JANE: My husband just told me what he dislikes most about my body…and I’m upset.

Dear Jane,

My husband has confessed something about himself that I find very offensive and has left me quite upset with him.

Her confession came last week when she was preparing a shopping list for him.

I was listing all the usual things (fruit, butter, bread, toilet paper) and realized I was out of tampons, so I added those to the list as well, without a second thought.

But when she read it before going to the store, she snorted in disgust and told me blankly that she preferred not to buy tampons. She asked if I couldn’t buy them myself the next time I went to the store.

Considering my husband is a 34-year-old man, I didn’t think he would be so disgusted by something as silly as tampons.

I said I thought it was a little immature that he was afraid to pick them up, pointing out that he wears a wedding ring, so anyone who saw him would surely assume he was grabbing them for his wife.

But then the truth came out: he said it wasn’t that he felt ashamed, but that periods in general disgusted him. He hated thinking about them and went so far as to describe them as “the thing he disliked the most.”

As I stood there staring at him in horror, he continued to say that he finds it disgusting when I’m on my period and that’s why he always avoids having sex at that time of the month.

I always assumed the reason he didn’t try it in bed when I had my period was because he was trying to be respectful. I guess not.

In the end, he basically said that he understands that periods are inevitable, that he wants me to be comfortable during that time of the month, but that if I can keep “that stuff” to myself, he’ll be happier.

Then she gave me a kiss and headed to the store where, surprise!, she didn’t buy any tampons.

There’s something about that whole interaction that has left me with a very unpleasant feeling. Am I married to an immature child?

He continues talking as if the conversation never happened, blissfully unaware that I still feel upset.

So the question now is: do I bring it up and tell him how I feel, risking a massive fight? Or do I secretly suffer through my periods without saying a word?

Of,

Bloody disaster

Dear Bloody Mess,

Research suggests that men’s perception of menstruation is closely related to how they were exposed to it as children.

Men who grew up surrounded by women (mothers, sisters, etc.) who normalized menstruation and talked about it openly rather than trying to hide it, tend to feel much more comfortable with the topic.

For those men who don’t fall into this category, it’s surprisingly common for them to be disgusted by the idea of ​​menstrual blood.

They often associate it with blood from a wound or, worse, feces.

I’m sure none of this will make you feel better, but it may help you understand that as painful as it was to witness your husband’s behavior, his reaction was not as unusual as you might think.

Eventually, with frequent communication and a healthy relationship, most men, even those who start out feeling upset, will end up feeling fairly indifferent about their menstrual bleeding.

Communication is key here.

It seems to me that your husband does not have enough knowledge about the female body and how it works. Helping him educate himself is your best option to make him feel more comfortable with you.

I wish you the best of luck.

Dear Jane,

Last week my eight-year-old son came home from school with a black eye and refuses to tell me how he got it.

This is the first time he’s tried to lie to me or hide information from me; he’s usually a very open and honest guy, and he’s never been reluctant to talk about anything with me or his father before.

He’s also not in any way violent or aggressive, so I’d find it hard to believe he was getting into a fistfight on the playground.

His teachers say they have no idea what happened, that he went to lunch with the rest of the children, came back and had a big black eye on his face. When they asked him what had happened, he wouldn’t tell them anything either.

They called me to come pick him up and I took him to the doctor to get him checked out, repeatedly asking him what had happened.

I assured him he wouldn’t get into trouble, asked him if he had fallen, if he had bumped into anything, if he had gotten into a fight with another boy or girl, but he kept saying he didn’t know.

My mind goes to dark places: I worry that he’s being seriously bullied and is afraid to talk about it… or worse, what if he’s had an altercation with an adult who has sworn him to secrecy?

I don’t know how I can convince him to tell the truth.

I’ve tried a stern attitude, a reassuring attitude, I’ve even tried bribing him with his favorite snacks and more time on the Xbox.

The last time I asked him about this, he burst into tears and it broke my heart. But it also showed me that there is something wrong going on here that he is not willing to admit.

Do you think I should take him to a therapist to see if they have any luck?

Of,

Tiger mom

Dear Tiger Mom,

As a parent, I know the inclination is always to step in to try to protect our children from whatever pain they are going through, and particularly these days when we have to deal with the modern war zone of social media.

Parenting becomes a full-time job, and many mothers want to wrap their children in cotton wool, ensuring that they have the most perfect and peaceful childhood.

I feel your pain and confusion at not knowing what happened, I truly am.

But unless your child is showing more signs of trauma — like not wanting to go to school, for example, or suddenly being moody or insular — I’m inclined to tell you to try to let it go.

Pressuring him to tell you what happened or dragging him to a therapist to try to force him to share is unlikely to create better lines of communication between the two of you.

Continue to be present and loving, open to whatever he wants to tell you. He may decide to share at a time when he feels particularly safe, when you’re talking about something completely different.

He may also be worried about how you will react, perhaps assuming that if he reveals an altercation with another child, you will be on the phone with his parents or the school, which will make things worse for him.

It’s certainly worth reassuring him that you’re not going to get involved in his life, even if the truth makes you want to intervene. You just want to make sure he’s okay and give him advice if he needs it.

Still, you may not share it, in which case I urge you to move on.

Our children have a whole life out of sight that has little to do with us. Living that life is part of the process of growing up.

As painful as it is to see our children hurt, to not have the full picture, we cannot and should not intervene in their school life unless, as I say, their behavior changes radically, or this happens again.

Your role is to be there as a caring advisor, rather than an ever-present helicopter parent.