Dear Jane,
I have been happily married to my husband for two years. We met when I was in my twenties and married when I was 31.
I had never been in a serious relationship before and I often traveled for work, so I admit that I had slept with quite a few people before we met.
Not that it’s something we’ve ever discussed.
However, last week my husband told me that his best friend had discovered his girlfriend’s “body count” and he was horrified by the total.
Dear Jane: My husband is upset after I revealed my body count to him… but I don’t even think my body count is that high!
His girlfriend had admitted to sleeping with 20 people, a number my husband and his friend considered “extremely high.”
Then, out of curiosity, he asked me what my “body count” was. And, upon hearing his indignation at 20 years old, I decided to lie.
A little scared, I said I had slept with no more than 15 guys.
It turned out that my husband was bothered by even that lower estimate, and admitted that he found “so many” sexual partners a little off-putting.
However, the truth is that I have slept with more than 50 men, so many that I have lost count.
Now I don’t know what to do. Should I stick to my lie and hope the topic never comes up again?
Or accept that if my husband has a problem with my number of ex-lovers, then he’s not the one for me?
Of,
Formerly promiscuous
Dear previously promiscuous,
I’m so sorry you found yourself in such a difficult situation, and I’m even more sorry that you felt pressured to lie.
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I have never been a fan of lying. I think secrets rot in relationships and ultimately cause more problems than the truth.
Frankly, I’m worried about your husband’s reaction to the answer you gave. You’re not sleeping with anyone else now, so judging you for your past seems petty and unfair.
If I’m honest, his behavior seems like a red flag to me.
The number of previous lovers any of us have had is irrelevant, and certainly has no bearing on your ability to be a faithful and loving wife to your husband now.
I think you should consider coming clean about the true, higher number, largely because I fear you’ll never feel completely comfortable until you know his reaction to the truth.
Your answer to that true number will tell you everything you need to know. And if you find it difficult to digest, it may indicate a larger problem within your marriage.
A professional counselor or therapist to help you through this could be beneficial. Having an impartial mediator who allows both of you to express your feelings freely is usually a good thing.
However, if you still can’t accept the truth about your past, I hope you can find happiness and peace with someone who loves you and accepts you exactly as you are.