Dear Jane,
My husband of 39 years has been sending flirtatious messages to his ex-fiancé every day for at least 25 years – and it’s driving me crazy.
I only learned he had been in regular contact with her when our phone bill came through; because she lives overseas, his calls to her came up as separate (and very expensive) charges. Although the calls were not made every day, I realized that he had been chatting with her at least once a week, which I found very surprising and quite hurtful.
Then I discovered they were also texting each other when her name popped up on his phone on New Year’s Eve. Finally it came out that they’ve been exchanging emails too, a little fact I learned when I showed him how to attach a picture to a message – and saw one from her sitting in his inbox.
I tried not to make a big deal out of it, but when I returned to his computer later that day, I saw that there was a series of daily messages going back years, many of which contained very suggestive and flirtatious comments.
He insists the two are just ‘pen pals’… but even though I know he is committed to our marriage and has been for almost four decades now, the correspondence between the two has really upset me.
Dear Jane, I discovered that my husband has been exchanging flirtatious emails with his ex-fiancé for the past 25 years – I am so hurt and betrayed
He greets all her messages with kisses, replies with winky faces when she sends pictures of herself on the beach, and they’ve even discussed her sex life with her own husband – and that’s only within a handful of the emails they have exchanged.
She seems to know everything about our life together – from our children’s birthdays to our daily schedule. He only refers to me by the first letter of my name, which makes it feel like he’s trying to hide that I even exist.
She says things to him like, ‘I wish I could call you and hear your voice, I have imaginary conversations with you in my head,’ and he always responds with his own flirtatious replies. She regularly gives her opinion on things going on in our lives, even the layout of our house, and I know now that he has made decisions based on things she has said.
On several occasions in the past I have walked into a room and he has quickly closed his laptop… I used to laugh at it but now I clearly know why.
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He has said he won’t email her again, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to trust him again. He kept these emails and chats with her hidden from me for so long, how will I know if he is doing it behind my back?
I feel let down by his deception – and frankly, I feel like a third wheel in my own marriage. I’m struggling terribly, but also don’t want to leave my home and divorce after 38 years of marriage and at 61.
How do I get him to understand my side of things?
From,
Illegal pen pal
Dear illegal pen pal,
I am so sorry you have made such a painful discovery and please know that it is completely natural for you to feel everything you feel. Although they only communicate by phone, the fact that he is in regular, sometimes flirtatious contact with an ex-girlfriend is disconcerting at best.
We all deserve to feel secure in our relationships and regardless of his reasons for keeping this ex in his life like this, you need to be very aware of how it has affected you and communicate that with him as you have .
I think this situation, given the length of your marriage, would benefit from a therapeutic intervention to enable him to understand how much his choices have hurt you and how your trust has been eroded.
Be very clear about what you will and will not tolerate. As difficult as it may be, you have the right to state your boundary, and the consequence if that boundary is not met.
I have a friend who just went through something very similar. He told her he had stopped contact, but there was a flurry of texts the following week.
As brutally hard as this decision was, she ended the relationship, knowing that she deserved someone who didn’t lie or disrespect her like that. It was an act of radical self-care.
Take care of yourself and know that you deserve respect and truth. I hope a therapist can help you get there.
Dear Jane,
My sister – who is also my son’s godmother – gave him an extremely lavish gift for his high school graduation a few years ago, and now that it’s her son’s turn, she expects me to do the same… and is furious that I’ve told her I simply can’t afford it.
I’ve never had a very good time. I’m getting by but don’t really have any savings to fall back on and the extra money I can scrape together I put towards helping my son pay for college.
When my son graduated, my sister, who has the advantage of being married to a very wealthy financier, said she would do something special for both me and him by buying him a car so I wouldn’t have to worry about him going to and from college.
I repeatedly tried to shut that idea down, mainly because I don’t think kids should just be gifted with these kinds of life-changing purchases without understanding what it means to work for them, but also because it made me feeling terrible that I’ve never been able to give him that kind of incredible surprise.
Finally she carried me down and on graduation day she presented my son with a Jeep. Not surprisingly, he absolutely loved it. And to be fair to her, having his own vehicle has turned out to be incredibly convenient for him, especially since it means he’s able to come back from college to visit much more regularly than I think he would have.
But now it’s my nephew’s turn to graduate from high school, and she’s been pushing me to come up with my own over-the-top gift to celebrate his special day. When I told her I couldn’t afford to give him such an incredibly expensive gift, she seemed annoyed and asked why I didn’t start saving for something the moment she gave my son his car.
It sounds to me like she’s already told him to expect something incredible from me, and now I’m scared of letting them both down.
What should I do?
From,
Desperate Times
Dear Desperate Times,
Far be it from me to suggest that your sister is behaving in a way that is justified and cruel, and that a gift, however outlandish, that comes with it is not a gift at all.
Giving anything is an act of generosity and there can be no expectation of anything in return. When there is an expectation, the gift is not generous, but manipulative and self-centered, as you are unfortunately about to discover.
You don’t have to feel guilty about not reciprocating, nor do you have to feel guilty about telling your sister all of the above and that you feel manipulated by her demands when you have clearly stated your financial situation.
As for being afraid of letting your nephew down, let it go. It’s absolutely not necessary, and you can easily explain that you wish you were able to buy him something amazing to show how proud you are of him.
I also have to say here that a huge gift for a high school graduate is ridiculous. Especially from an aunt.
You have nothing to feel guilty about and nothing to be afraid of. Your sister and her family have different values and the means to fulfill those values.
Focus on your own family and the healthy values you have instilled.