DEAR JANE: My husband has a serious mental disorder…and he’s ruining MY life. Is it wrong for me to divorce him?

Dear Jane,

My husband and I have known each other for four decades and have been happily married for 35 years, but now I can’t stand being around him.

You see, throughout our marriage, my husband and I were very career-oriented. I worked in marketing and he was in banking.

Despite having two children, we both worked long hours, often staying late at the office and even devoting some weekends to our jobs.

Now we are both retired, empty nesters, and our marriage is falling apart.

We didn’t develop any hobbies or interests and, as we were a working couple, our groups of friends revolved around our professional lives. Now many of our neighbours are strangers.

Suddenly we found ourselves spending hours and hours together, so we were encouraged to go out and meet new people.

But my husband does nothing but talk about himself. I am convinced that he is a hopeless narcissist, perhaps even a clinical one.

I stare at the faces of people we meet and they are horrified. They are absolutely convinced that their life is much more interesting than everyone else’s. It’s humiliating.

She finds it difficult to leave her successful career behind, and constantly reminds me and others how amazing she was at her job and the phenomenal impact she had on her company.

I’m starting to feel disgusted by him. He’s ruining my retirement.

The other day I started researching the symptoms of being a narcissist and I am convinced that he is one.

We built an amazing life together, but I don’t know if I can stay married to someone like that.

Jane, could you give me some advice on what to do?

Of,

Narcissistic Lady

Dear Madam Narcissist:

You are at a stage in life where people often break up for many of the reasons you list.

When children grow up and leave, husbands and wives often realize that they no longer have anything in common.

It seems as if you two have become ships passing in the night.

Obviously, not all difficult husbands are narcissists, but many of the divorced women I know tend to describe their exes as such.

And I understand how tiring it is to hear someone constantly talk about how awesome they are, while showing no interest in anyone else.

Unfortunately, it seems there is nothing holding their marriage together except duty.

As for their children, although divorce is always difficult for families, most adult children know who their parents are and understand the dynamics of their marriage.

It is almost irrelevant here whether your husband is a clinical narcissist or not.

There is no real treatment for this disease, so the patient would have to recognize his or her disorder and want to seek help.

But since this is part of your concern, consider the advice of Mark Ettensohn, a psychotherapist: “Sometimes you need to determine whether the relationship is likely to improve or not.”

I think it’s important to ask yourself whether or not you can look past your husband’s traits, and if not… it might be time to move on.

Life is short and we have no idea how much time we have left. Everyone, including your husband, deserves a chance at happiness.

If two people are unhappy together, a fair solution for everyone involved would be to talk about their mutual incompatibility and discuss ways to move forward.

There is no one-size-fits-all solution to marital problems. However, I will say that it is far better to consider other options now, before your resentment turns to hatred and you get caught up in a bitter, acrimonious divorce.

Dear Jane,

I have been faced with a big dilemma this week because my son received some shocking news.

She is 26 years old and works at a major tech company. She got the job in the middle of the pandemic, when she was fresh out of college and living at home.

For the past four years, he has been working remotely and using our basement as an office.

It has worked very well for him.

The problem is that the company has now required all of its employees to return to the office five days a week!

My son has become accustomed to working from home. He logs into the workday five minutes after waking up and wears pajamas all day.

I’m afraid he’s becoming extremely lazy. He used to be very interested in exercise and was always very sociable, but now he barely leaves the house and is gaining weight.

He has never met his colleagues and often when he finishes work he just stays in the basement and plays video games.

Not only am I worried about his social skills and motivation, I’m also sick of having him at home, to be honest.

I still do his laundry, clean his room and cook for him. He never buys his own food or toiletries and contributes no money to household expenses or bills, even though he earns a six-figure salary.

Since graduating from college, he has completely regressed to childhood and I don’t think he’s even capable of taking care of himself. He probably couldn’t even make himself a sandwich at this point.

Now he wants to leave this amazing job and look for another remote position at another company, and I’m convinced that if he does that he will ruin his life (and mine).

What do I do? How can I convince him to continue with this career and commit to the office lifestyle?

Of,

Working from HELL

Dear Hell’s Job,

Oh, Mom, I want you to hear me loud and clear: You don’t have to do his laundry, clean him, or cook for him! You don’t have to buy his toiletries!

No matter how much you blame your child, you are allowing him to live a life of luxury.

A life that leaves you running from one place to another and treating him like a little prince.

Of course he’s not going to go to the office to work. Why would he? He’s already got everything ready and is just eating it in front of his video games.

As a 26-year-old working at a major tech company and earning a six-figure salary, he’s old enough to stand on his own two feet. However, he’ll never rise to the occasion if he’s allowed to do whatever he wants.

It’s time for him to leave home. No more basement office, no more laundry, no more shopping for him.

Give him two months’ notice to leave the house and don’t forget it. Help him find an apartment to rent, but he has to leave for his own good.

You’re not doing him any favors by treating him like a baby. You’re the one who created this situation. I’m afraid you now have to change it by kicking him out.

I know it may seem difficult for you to do so, but I promise you that forcing him to live an independent life is the greatest act of love.