Dear Jane,
My husband and I have been married for three years. We are both in our early thirties.
We have a great relationship and are very aligned regarding family, work and future goals.
We’ve always had a great sex life too, except for one thing.
When we met in college, I was a smoker. It wasn’t a pack-a-day habit, but I would smoke one or two, and more if I was out with friends and drinking.
One night, early in our relationship, we were lying in bed and he revealed to me that he found my smoking very attractive, even arousing.
Dear Jane, my husband has a dangerous fetish and I no longer want to participate.
At first, I thought it was harmless and fun. I happily accepted it, smoking occasionally during foreplay and after dinner before we went to sleep.
But since then, things have gotten worse. Now he wants me to smoke every time we have sex and gets angry if I say no.
He also recently started asking me to smoke during sex, which I find dangerous, distracting, and honestly, a little gross.
We are also hoping to have children soon and I want to cut down on smoking in case it affects my fertility.
His fetish doesn’t really help me stop.
I tried to explain this to him, but he laughed.
I’m starting to worry that this has gone on so long that he won’t find me attractive without a cigarette in my hand.
He’s always been a great partner and has accepted anything I’ve wanted to try in the bedroom, so I feel bad for denying him this.
I wish we could find a middle ground, but I don’t know what that would be.
International bestselling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her column about the agony aunt
Smoking hot
Dear Smoking Hot,
As dangerous as cigarettes are to your health, as far as fetishes go, this one is surprisingly mild.
It’s not talked about much, but there is a name for it: capnolagnia: sexual arousal from observing or imagining someone smoking.
That said, I do not dismiss your distress.
Smoking is proven to be terrible for your health, as well as potentially disastrous for your bedding.
But most importantly, since you simply don’t want to do it anymore, this problem clearly needs to be addressed.
I wonder if there are other ways to satisfy your husband’s desires that don’t involve inhaling harmful substances.
He might be pleased if you pretend to smoke with a prop cigarette like the ones actors use.
There are also plastic inhalers used by people trying to quit smoking that only expel nicotine.
Maybe we can watch videos of women smoking to give him the dose he wants.
There is currently no recognized cure for capnolagnia, but it seems to me that there may be viable strategies to keep your husband happy while protecting his health.
I wish you the best of luck.
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