- In her latest agony aunt column, bestselling author Jane Green gives candid advice to a woman struggling with money and her ego.
- Do you have any questions for Jane? Email email@example.com or ask below
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It’s been a very difficult few years for me and my husband: we both lost our jobs, we had little savings to fall back on, and we’ve been struggling a lot to make ends meet.
We were forced to take out a second mortgage on our home and are now woefully behind on monthly payments.
My husband comes from a very wealthy family, who made no secret of his dislike for me from the beginning of our relationship. So much so that my husband practically excluded them from his life due to his cruelty towards me.
I don’t come from wealth or privilege, and I think they always felt like I was beneath them.
Dear Jane, My husband and I are struggling to get money, but I refuse to accept help from his wealthy family. He says I am being stubborn but I don’t want to come to them for alms.
But now that we are in such a dire situation, my husband has suggested several times that he go to his parents for help, and I hate the idea. He feels like coming to them for a handout would just cement all the terrible assumptions they’ve made about me and make them feel like I’m bringing my husband down.
I know it seems stubborn, but I am very firm in my decision and it is causing serious problems between my husband and I, who thinks I am “letting my ego get in the way of our financial survival.”
I was always raised to take care of myself and solve my own problems, but I don’t want that mentality to destroy my marriage when, frankly, it’s the only thing I feel like I have left in my life.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ hottest topics in her column Dear Jane, Agony Aunt
Is there a way to get out of this mess without having to beg his uptight family for money?
Down and out
Dear Down and Out,
Financial insecurity is a brutal cross to bear. It’s terrifying and destabilizing, and I can only imagine your fear about the future.
I also remember the old parable of the man who went up to the roof during a flood and prayed to God to save him. A rowboat arrived and a man said, ‘Get in! I can save you!’
“No, thank you,” the man said. “I am praying to God and he will save me.”
Then a boat came and the same thing happened, and finally a helicopter came and knocked down a ladder, but the man said no, because he was waiting for God to save him.
He drowns and once he reaches heaven he angrily tells God: ‘What happened? I prayed to you and you didn’t save me?
God says, ‘What do you mean? I sent you a rowboat, a motorboat and a helicopter…’
There are many benefits to being raised to be self-sufficient, but there are also dangers.
Asking for help when you are in trouble and, likewise, being open to receiving help can be enormously difficult for women who are used to doing everything themselves.
Opening yourself to that possibility could change your life. It doesn’t have to be a handout, and in fact, I suggest that if your parents are willing and able to help you, you make a plan to pay them back.
This may help alleviate some of your discomfort about turning to them, or even anyone else, for help.
Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face when you’re lucky enough to have people in the family who could alleviate your discomfort right now.
I wish you luck.