Dear Jane,
My fiancé and I are getting married in the spring and we have planned a destination wedding in Italy – something my partner said was always his dream.
However, shortly after we got engaged and started planning the ceremony, my grandfather had a pretty serious accident that left him wheelchair-bound and unable to travel long distances.
So my mom asked if we would be willing to rethink the wedding in the US to have my grandfather there, and suggested that maybe we do our honeymoon in Italy.
To be honest, I would have loved to have had the wedding here, especially since it will be so much cheaper for everyone involved, including ourselves. But my fiancée refused to give in and she told me that she was very upset that my mother would have asked that when she knows how much an Italian wedding means to her.
Dear Jane, My future wife is refusing to move our destination wedding to the US so my sick grandfather can attend; Now my mother says she won’t come.
I tried to explain his point of view to my mother, who said that it was selfish of us not to consider my grandfather’s feelings.
In the end she said that if Grandpa can’t be there, then she doesn’t want to come either, because she doesn’t want to encourage my fiancée’s “self-centered behavior.”
He even suggested that this whole thing has proven that our relationship isn’t meant to last… I don’t think that’s the case, but it definitely made me see my fiancée in a different light.
I’m not really sure what to do here: I don’t want to upset my fiancée by telling her to cancel her dream wedding, but I also don’t want to get married without my mom and grandpa being there to see it.
The important thing for me is that I get married, I don’t care where we do it, or how many people there are, but I know that I will ruin my memories of this day in the future if my family is not by my side. side.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ hottest topics in her column Dear Jane, Agony Aunt
How can I make everyone happy?
Of,
boyfriend doom
Dear boyfriend Doom,
One of the unfortunate truisms of life is that you can’t please all the people all the time.
There is no easy solution here. Either you upset your family or you upset your fiancée.
It’s hard to know if your mother is prone to making requests that might seem high maintenance, or even your future wife.
What I do know is that instead of considering marriage as the beginning of a happy ending, consider it as the beginning of a journey, some of which may seem like a bumpy roller coaster, other times you may find the road quite rough. . Any red flags, anything that makes you see your partner in a different light, are worth exploring further before the big day.
That said, it’s important to understand that the two most important people in this are you and your fiancée.
You two need to talk to each other to come to an agreement where you are both happy or, as is often the case with compromise, you may both be a little unhappy, but there is a middle path that will work for both of you. both.
It’s not about pleasing family members, it’s about the two of you, and only the two of you can decide, together, how to move forward.
You’ve already said that you don’t want to get married without your family. I hope you two can come to a decision that honors that, as well as honoring your wish for Italy. Any decision that ignores the wishes of the other would seem to me to be a warning sign that cannot and should not be ignored.
Dear Jane,
My husband won’t stop going to strip clubs, even though I’ve told him time and time again how much it hurts my feelings.
Six months ago I discovered that he had been making secret trips to these clubs with his brother, who is single and has always had an obsession with strippers. She even hired a stripper for her birthday and seemed to really enjoy it by making my husband sit down and dance with her.
When I found out where they went on their ‘boys nights’, I confronted my husband and explained my feelings about it.
I made it very clear to him that I’m not trying to stop him from having fun, but that the idea of strip clubs makes me very uncomfortable and I don’t think it’s an appropriate place for him to spend his time.
He insisted that he doesn’t really like going, that he only does it to appease his brother and that he never pays for lap dances or anything like that, but I still can’t get over the fact that he’s going.
I know he’s been back several times since we had that talk, and I can’t get over the fear that he’s doing it, not because of his brother, but because I’m no longer attractive enough for him.
Of,
Buttoned
Dear Buttoned Up,
The biggest problem with this story may not be that her husband goes to strip clubs with his brother, but that he has kept it a secret from her.
We tend to keep secrets out of shame or guilt. I have no idea if this applies in this situation, but it seems like it does, and whatever your excuses about why you’re going and how much you dislike it, the bottom line is that when we discover secrets, trust is eroded.
The fact that you have clearly told him how you feel about him leaving, and instead of stopping he is trying to make you the wrong one, does not indicate a healthy pattern in your marriage.
What stands out to me in your letter is your fear of not being attractive enough for him. My heart breaks for you because of this, because it’s not about your attractiveness, it’s about your self-esteem.
His behavior is unacceptable, and the crumbs he’s throwing at you, the justification, are probably only causing more damage to your self-esteem.
Buttoned Up, I want you to find a therapist and see why you think you deserve someone who keeps secrets from you and continues to do things you’ve specifically asked him not to do when he knows how much it upsets you.
This is not an easy solution, but I want you to focus on yourself, on building your own sense of worth and learning to set clear boundaries that, if broken, will not show you that you are not attractive enough, but that you love yourself just enough. enough to pass on to someone who not only loves you, but also treats you with respect.