Dear Jane,
I honestly never thought I’d write these words, but… my family has been destroyed by a stupid argument over a recipe and I’m stuck in the middle of a horrible dispute with no idea how to fix it.
I know it sounds crazy, but this whole situation has spiraled out of control so quickly that I’m worried it will ruin relationships permanently at this point.
To explain, my grandmother passed away a couple of months ago. We were all so sad because she really was the glue that held us all together, as cheesy as she sounds.
Every holiday was celebrated at her home, every birthday was marked with a gift and card from her, and it seemed like she was always the one passing down stories and traditions to all of us. So when she died, I think everyone was worried that we would lose all those special things that meant so much to her.
Dear Jane, My family has been torn apart by a ridiculous fight over a recipe and I’m worried it will never be the same again.
In the end, his death sparked something of a battle between my mother and her sisters over who was going to be the new “top dog” in the family. They had little fights over who would host the dinners and who would make a better version of Nana’s favorite dishes… which then led to a crazy argument over her old recipe books.
My grandmother used to make this famous…well, at least for us! – Pasta dish. It was something we ate all the time when we were kids and she made it for us every time we got together at her house when we were older.
It was very much his recipe and even his children didn’t know how it was made.
Before our first family gathering after his death, my mom and her two sisters started fighting about it. My aunt, who is single and has no children of her own, bore the brunt of organizing my nana’s things, so she ended up with her recipe book.
My mom and her other sister insisted that I give it to her, but she refused and instead offered to invite everyone to her house, where she would make the pasta.
In the end we all went to my aunt’s house and we have to admit that she did a great job with the pasta. We all thought that. But then disputes over the recipe began again.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ hottest topics in her column Dear Jane, Agony Aunt
Every time we have met, it has been an argument. My mom and her sister even started searching my aunt’s house to try to find the recipe book, and when she caught them going through her underwear drawer the last time we were there, she said they were no longer welcome, and He even threatened to burn the recipe so that no one could have it again.
That was about two weeks ago and they still haven’t spoken. Instead, they are using me as a strange messenger to convey their bitter insults to each other.
It sounds crazy, I know, but I’m actually really afraid that a bowl of pasta will drive a wedge in my family that can never be healed.
Then what do I do?
Of,
Recipe for disaster
Dear recipe for disaster,
Even though I’m now hungry and dying to know the recipe behind your grandmother’s pasta dish, I can only imagine how disconcerting it must be to watch your mother and her siblings become more childish.
You may be able to leave the family, but the family, and specifically your roles within it, will generally remain the same. Fighting for her mother’s attention sounds like something your mother and aunts have experienced for years, and now they’re fighting for the prized role of top dog.
You describe your late grandmother as the glue that held the family together. The thing about glue is that it lasts as long as it lasts; When the glue wears off, what was holding it together will instantly fall apart.
There will be no other glue, because no one can take on that role, and the sisters may have to go through their grieving period alone before they can come back together and acknowledge their petty behavior and pain.
And there may be a breakup that lasts much longer.
Either way, your role is not to heal your family’s wounds, nor to be the messenger.
Your peace is at stake, so you need to set a very clear boundary: tell each one that you love them, that you hope they can work it out between themselves, and that you’re not comfortable with being put in the middle and don’t want to talk anymore. of that.
Stand firm, no matter how horrified they are. Stay away from the drama, because your job is not to fix it, nor to intervene to raise adults who behave like children.
I hope they resolve it and I hope you take care of yourself.
Dear Jane,
After several years struggling with metal-related health issues, during which time I became a bit of a recluse, I finally decided to give life a second chance: therapy is going great and I even started college again.
Naturally, with all of this, I find myself longing for romance again.
The problem is that I ended my last relationship as an attractive 31-year-old girl, and now, at 38, with a belly, some wrinkles, and thinning hair, I just don’t get noticed as much as I used to.
I used to turn heads on the street and now suddenly the streets are not only full of young girls showing a lot of skin, but they are also full of men who can’t stop looking at their phones.
I never used dating apps before when trying to meet people, but now people tell me that’s the only way to find someone. I know they’re good at connecting with people, but I also know they’re largely image-based and that really baffles me. Right now I’m very dissatisfied with my body and overall appearance, so the idea of guys judging me based solely on photos is terrifying.
How do I get out of this? Any advice you can give would mean a lot.
Of,
hopeful phoenix
Dear Hopeful Phoenix,
Oh, my dear Phoenix, I wish you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself, I wish you could turn the clock forward to 48, and 58, and so on, when you look at pictures of yourself at 38 and know exactly how beautiful you are. you were
They say that age is just a number, but beauty, my dear Phoenix, has nothing to do with age. Beauty shines from within, from the confidence that comes with accepting yourself exactly as you are.
No one cares as much about a belly, wrinkles or hair loss as they seem to.
And there is nothing more beautiful than a woman comfortable in her skin, a woman who doesn’t care about her weight, who can step onto a dance floor and let the music transport her to another dimension.
Dating apps can be a lot of fun at first, but demoralizing after a while.
It is better to focus on building a fulfilling life, getting out of your comfort zone, meeting new people, not with an agenda of romance, but of expanding your life and embracing it all.
And I’d love to see you talk to your therapist about giving yourself affirmations or meditations and really working on learning to love yourself.