DEAR JANE: My ex-husband’s new wife punishes our children in the most VILE ways, but he refuses to stop her.

Dear Jane,

I have two children with my ex-husband: an eight-year-old boy and a six-year-old girl. My ex and I separated when our children were four and two, and we both remarried.

When we met our respective partners, we were very conscious of introducing them to our children in the most sensitive way possible and took the time to ensure they were the right people to bring into our blended family dynamic.

My second husband has a son and is great with kids so I wasn’t too worried, however my ex’s new wife has never had kids and I know she was very nervous about taking on the role of stepmom.

So, understandably, she was a little more apprehensive than my husband when it came time to meet them, although I assumed she would become more encouraged the more she got to know them.

Our children are very energetic and confident, and that is something we have always encouraged, but it also means that discipline is a very important issue in our homes.

My ex and I sat down when we had our first child and talked about what we were and weren’t willing to tolerate in terms of behavior, and also what kind of parents we wanted to be.

We both agreed that we would never use physical violence or yelling to reprimand our children and that instead we would focus more on conversation and education to explain right and wrong.

But despite sharing this with both of our partners, my ex’s new wife doesn’t seem to have gotten the message.

When my children came home yesterday from a stay with their father, my son told me that he had gotten in trouble for stealing candy from the kitchen cupboard and that his stepmother had hit his hands with a wooden spoon as punishment.

I immediately called his dad to ask what the hell had happened, but he told me that he had been out at the time and that when he got home, our son was sitting in his room playing video games and that he “seemed fine.”

Now, my son didn’t have any visible injuries from this supposed punishment (which was the first thing my ex asked for), but in my opinion, that doesn’t matter. I’m furious that this woman dared to hit my son when both my ex and I had explicitly told her that we don’t use violence to discipline.

My ex, however, didn’t seem to share my horror. He insisted that he would talk to his wife about it, but then said that he wanted her to feel that she had the right to raise our children as she saw fit.

I’m going through a very difficult time, Jane. I don’t feel comfortable sending my children to live with this woman again, but I don’t want to cause any problems in what has, so far, been a pretty good period of co-parenting with my ex. But I cannot and will not subject my children to that kind of behavior.

Should I trust my ex to deal with it or should I take more drastic measures?

Of,

A spoonful of trouble

Dear Teaspoonful of Trouble,

I am so sorry this happened. I know exactly how painful it is to leave your young children in the care of their other parent, only to have the stepparent treat them atrociously. And I know how helpless you feel.

But not only can you not rely on your ex to handle this, you must intervene immediately to protect your children.

Your ex-husband has already shown you that he is not willing to protect his wife’s children and that he does not care that his wife disciplines them in a way that they both do not agree with. For your information, according to the Center for Child and Family Development in the United States, treating a child roughly in any way is a form of corporal punishment and hitting a child with a wooden spoon is considered abuse.

I heard that you don’t want to cause trouble, but you are the only one who can step in and set a boundary to protect your children.

According to the CDC, moderate physical punishment has been associated with numerous short-term negative outcomes in children, including increased aggression and antisocial behavior, impaired cognitive ability, and decreased self-esteem.

Mom, your job is to ensure the physical, emotional and mental well-being of your children. Consequences for bad behavior are necessary. Physical violence, particularly from a stepparent, while slightly irrelevant, is not. Let go of your conciliatory and accommodating nature and accept this challenge.

The safety and well-being of your children depends on it.

I would start by going there to inform your husband’s wife of the above information and let her know that if it ever happens again, she will go to the police and take legal action to stop the visits.

In fact, you may also want to talk to your divorce attorney to find out what your legal situation is regarding custody and whether it is important to report this initial incident to the police so that there is a record.

I am sorry that it has come to this point, but your priority is your children and this woman has no right, either parental or legal, to use an instrument against her son as a form of punishment. Your job now is to ensure his protection and that there will be very serious consequences if she does this again.

Dear Jane,

Three years ago, my best friend’s husband came to me for financial help. They had both been undergoing IVF treatment and were burning through their savings at an alarming rate, so he asked me if I could lend them some money to continue the treatment.

At the time, she asked me not to tell my best friend, because I didn’t want to add any more stress to her life when she was already dealing with the devastation of failed rounds of IVF. Although I felt a little uncomfortable at the thought of lying to her, I agreed, because I honestly wanted to do everything in my power to help her achieve her dream of being a mother.

She told me she would start saving immediately and that her goal was to pay me back within six months. I had some money saved up that I wasn’t using, about $15,000, so I agreed to lend it to her so they wouldn’t have to cancel her next round of fertility treatment.

I am delighted to say that about a year later they had a beautiful baby girl and I am now the proudest godmother to that little girl.

My best friend was pregnant when that six-month deadline passed, so when her husband didn’t mention anything about paying me back, I decided to give him a little more time to allow them both to adjust to parenthood.

However, it has now been three years since that deadline expired and despite my repeated requests, he now flatly refuses to return the money, claiming that he cannot afford it and that all the money they are earning is going towards raising their daughter.

I understand that having kids is expensive (I have two!), but my husband and I are thinking about renovating our house and we really need that money to make our dreams come true.

I don’t want to damage my relationship with my best friend by telling her that I lent her the money behind her back, but I don’t know how to get her to pay me back. She seems to think it’s perfectly okay that I stole it and that she shows no remorse?

Then what do I do?

Of,

Piggy bank in the middle

Dear middle piggy bank:

Oh, but it is painful to read this, but more painful for you if you continue to wait to see that money again.

When Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, “Be neither borrower nor lender, For the loan oft loses both itself and friend…”, he knew what he was talking about.

I hate to tell you this, but the only way you can find peace in this situation is to rewrite the narrative and see it as a gift.

You can, and probably should, tell your friend, though I worry that this will ruin your friendship, as only money can. It may be worth the risk.

Either way, I think it’s unlikely they’ll be able to give you your money back.

Instead, if you can, consider this a valuable life lesson: never, ever lend money to anyone.

If your friends or family are struggling financially and you are willing and able to help them, consider that money as a gift and don’t expect them to pay you back. It’s the only way to maintain friendships when money is involved.