Dear Jane,
My son and his wife, who I’ve never really liked if I’m totally honest, welcomed my first grandchild last month, a beautiful baby girl.
As you can probably imagine, I was very happy to welcome him into the family and made sure that both my son and his wife knew I would be there to help them with whatever they needed, especially in the first few months. after birth.
I know how difficult things can be for new parents; I remember being terrified of doing something that would harm my son or making a mistake that would have a horrible effect on him later in life.
Parenting is a lot of pressure (and a lot of work) and I wanted them to know they could lean on me. But, to my surprise, they never seemed to need or want my help.
Dear Jane, I don’t think my daughter-in-law is a responsible enough mother to take care of my grandson, but I don’t know how to tell my son.
When my granddaughter was two weeks old, I decided to make an impromptu visit, but when I got there, no one was home.
When I called my daughter-in-law, she told me she was out for lunch with the girls and would be home in 30 minutes “after finishing her wine.” Now, I don’t want to judge too harshly, but the idea that my daughter-in-law would have taken her two-week-old baby to a girls’ luncheon where they were eating alcohol It just seems…irresponsible to say the least.
Well, since then, there’s barely been a day when she’s been home. She goes out to lunch and dinner all the time, sometimes with friends, sometimes with my son, and seems to have no regard for my granddaughter’s comfort or safety during these outings.
When I went out to lunch with her last week, she drank three glasses of wine and joked that she would have to “express and empty” her breast milk so her daughter “wouldn’t end up getting drunk.”
She hates using a stroller, so she keeps her daughter in a carrier on her chest, and at one point she rested her wine glass on her daughter’s back and said she wished she had thought of having such a convenient carrier years ago.
When we returned to her house after lunch, she had a revolving door of visitors, none of whom washed their hands before picking up the baby, and she happily allowed them all to pass her by, without even looking at her. sure they were holding it correctly.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ hottest topics in her column Dear Jane, Agony Aunt
There are those who will no doubt say that I am being overly sensitive and that motherhood is different for everyone… but I am increasingly concerned about your arrogant attitude towards parenting and feel that the time has come to say something.
How can I raise these concerns without being excluded?
Of,
Grandma complains
Dear Grandma Flu,
First of all, congratulations on your beautiful granddaughter.
But now I must tell you that unless you want to completely distance yourself from your son, your wife and your daughter, you should stay away.
As much as you may disagree with the way your daughter-in-law is raising her children, this is her child, not yours.
Showing up unannounced, offering help when it’s not asked for, looking critically at how they choose to raise their daughter, will only lead them in one direction, and it’s not a good one.
Your job as a grandmother is to be what the mother needs you to be.
Wait for him to ask you for help and advice instead of offering it unsolicited. Expressing her opinion, especially criticism (no matter how correct it may be), will probably do nothing more than make her want to have anything to do with you less and less.
I can feel how worried you are, but generations of babies survived without everyone washing their hands, and your granddaughter will too.
Remember, your daughter-in-law is also adjusting to this new role. Being a new mother is incredibly lonely and you need a community of other young mothers to help you figure things out.
Be there as a loving, non-judgmental help and I suspect your relationship will flourish.
Dear Jane,
I’m 24 years old and I still live with my dad. My mom passed away when I was a baby and my dad has been single since then, so the two of us have always been very close.
When it came time to choose a college, I looked everywhere, including several that were on the other side of the country where we lived… but in the end, I felt so guilty at the thought of leaving my dad. that I ended up going to a school close to home.
At that point my dad said I might as well live at home and save money instead of racking up insane debt trying to pay for my own place.
My father was very kind to let me get involved in university social life and I would often stay with friends on campus if I was going to a party or something. But two years after graduating, I’m still living at home, and every time I try to bring up the idea of moving, my dad shuts down or makes an excuse to change the subject, or says something like, ‘Why ruin a good thing?’
I don’t want to hurt his feelings and I know he must be terrified at the thought of living alone after all this time, but I’m desperate to finally find some independence.
I’ve never actually dated as an adult, if you can call me that, and it’s starting to get really embarrassing telling people at work that I still live at home.
I make enough money to pay rent, and while I’m very grateful to my father for allowing me to live rent-free for so long, I feel like it’s time to experience life in the real world, without the security. network that he has provided all these years.
How do I tell him without hurting him?
Of,
picket fence prison
Dear Picket Fence Prison:
I’m so glad you wrote and that you’re expressing your need for independence. While it’s understandable that you and your father are close after your mother’s death, you are right to seek independence.
The job of parents is to raise their children to be thriving, independent adults who can make their way in the world, functioning successfully and autonomously from their parents.
What’s happening here is entanglement (when family members react emotionally to each other and become unhealthy intertwined in ways that prevent them from living their own lives), and I commend you for recognizing that this is not a healthy pattern.
As wonderful as it is to see how much you care about your father, it’s not healthy for either of you. You need to build your life and you can help your father build his without you.
Next time you say, ‘Why ruin a good thing?’ Explain to him that it’s time for you to spread your wings and experience life as an independent adult, and that he should do the same. Encourage him to take up classes, hobbies, ways to meet other people, and build a healthy social life that doesn’t revolve around you.
If you continue to struggle, find a mental health professional you can talk to. It’s very possible that even after all these years I still haven’t gotten over the pain of losing your mother. It’s time for me to process that pain and let you go.
