Dear Jane,
My boyfriend of two years spends a lot of time at my New York apartment, largely because I don’t have a roommate and he does.
Of course, my house is small, but overall it is much nicer.
Of course, this means he’s been sharing the limited kitchen space, as well as my small bathroom. But in general we have coexisted very well.
That was until the other day, when he mentioned something he’d found in the shower and it led to a pretty awkward moment.
My boyfriend had planned to wash his hair, but he said he saw I was out of shampoo and conditioner, so he decided to wait until the next day.
However, when he showered the next morning, the bottles were still empty. It was the same story the next day… and the next.
In the end I had to admit that I only wash my hair once a week, at most.
My boyfriend is horrified by my “disgusting” habit, but I thought all women did it.
The thing is, I have thick hair and it’s a nightmare to wash it alone. Plus, it doesn’t make much oil.
I make a lot of money and one of my favorite “self-care” treats is getting expensive shampoos and blow-drys at the salon every two weeks. I usually try to wait for the hairdresser to wash me.
I always thought this was pretty common behavior among girls, but my boyfriend was horrified when I told him.
He said it’s “disgusting” that I have my hair washed so rarely and claimed that none of his previous lovers had been so “filthy.”
Now, he mentions it every time we go out with friends. He seems to enjoy asking my various female friends how often they wash their hair, and even asks his male friends what their partners do.
Frankly, this all seems humiliating.
All my friends have different hair types, none of them follow the same washing schedule and their reaction seems childish to me.
But now I’m wondering if I should wash my hair more often. It has made me question my sense of hygiene.
Of,
smelly braids
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ hottest topics in her agony aunt column
Dear smelly braids,
I’m so sorry your boyfriend embarrassed you.
As someone who also has very thick hair, I know how time-consuming it can be to wash, dry, and style. And how, many times, the whole process is not even necessary.
Particularly thick and curly hair doesn’t get greasy easily and usually looks exactly the same a few days or more after a salon visit.
Hair maestro John Frieda agrees that there’s no clear answer to how often you should wash your hair, and those with thicker hair don’t need to wash it as often.
In short, you are doing absolutely nothing wrong.
Your boyfriend’s behavior, on the other hand, is something you need to address.
Being judged so harshly, not only to your face but also in front of others, is particularly problematic. This is not the kind of treatment you would expect from someone who is supposed to love and care about you.
The first thing I would do is find an authoritative article online about how often to wash your hair and then show it to your boyfriend, while also clearly explaining how you feel when he calls your routine “disgusting” and repeatedly mentions it to your friends. .
Instead of using “you” phrases, as in “you make me feel ‘o’you “You embarrass me when,” uses what we call first-person sentences: “I feel embarrassed when you…”
In healthy relationships, people care when they hurt their partners, even without realizing it. In fact, we often don’t realize how discarded comments have impacted our loved ones until they are addressed.
I hope that once you’ve mentioned this to him, he’ll stop doing it. Otherwise, there could be a deeper problem here.
However, I should add that just because he’s acting like a jerk doesn’t mean you have to let it get to you.
In the end, it’s up to us what we let get us down and what we can overcome.
You could just accept that your boyfriend might be a bit of a jerk and then decide whether to put up with it or not.