DEAR JANE: My 23-year-old son squandered his trust fund in the most idiotic way; now he’s demanding that I bail him out of his debt.

Dear Jane,

I am a widowed mother of a very irresponsible 23 year old who has thrown away his entire inheritance and is now expecting me to bail him out of a financial black hole.

When my husband passed away six years ago, my son was just 17 years old, and understandably, his father’s death took a toll on him. He began acting out, rebelling, skipping school, etc. It destroyed his chances of getting into a good college, although by then he had already decided he didn’t want to go because he wanted to “get out and see the world.”

My husband knew he was going to die about a year before he passed away, and he did everything he could to make sure we were taken care of. He set up a college fund for my son and also left him a trust fund of about $120,000 that he could access when he turned 22.

Instead of going to college, my son spent two years traveling. I agreed to let him use part of his college fund to pay for these trips under certain conditions: that he never be away for more than two months, that he look for work when he is home, and that he do some kind of charity work wherever he goes.

Although I was very nervous about him traveling alone, I felt safe knowing that I had something to do with what he was doing. If I felt he was behaving irresponsibly, I always had the option of cutting him off.

But when he turned 22, he gained full access to his trust fund. I couldn’t do anything to stop him, although I confess I tried.

At that point, I no longer kept up with anything that was going on in his life. I guess because he didn’t need me anymore.

This week, almost a year after his 22nd birthday, he called me on the phone. My first thought was that there had been some accident or that he was in trouble, but instead he asked me to take him out to lunch. I was thrilled!

But when I saw him in person, he looked exhausted, worn out, and downright dirty. I asked him where the hell he’d been, and he told me he’d been “surfing” among his friends.

Then it all came out: it turned out that he had decided to invest almost all of his trust fund into a friend’s cannabis dispensary. Apparently, this friend had grand visions of how this dispensary would stand out from all the others in our area (we live in Colorado) and spent a fortune to make that vision a reality.

Unfortunately, while they both felt it was essential to spend thousands of dollars on things like “amazing display cases” and “premium weed,” what they didn’t spend money on was hiring people with experience in the business. So, two months after opening, the authorities shut down the business for a series of violations. Now, not only do they face criminal charges, but they are also out of business and out of the money they had invested.

After hearing all this, I was absolutely outraged. How dare he waste all the money my husband worked so hard to leave us? But it got worse. Instead of admitting his mistake, my son insisted that I give him immediate access to what was left of his college fund.

I refused, and he told me he would hire a lawyer to sue me for rights to the money.

He is my son and I love him, but Jane, I really don’t recognize the person he has become. I am tempted to just hand him the money and get rid of him, but I know my husband would be devastated to know our relationship has gotten to this point.

So where do I go from here?

Of,

Among the weeds

Dear In the Weeds,

I am so sorry that you are in this situation, which must seem untenable. As mothers, we love our children deeply and often make the mistake of thinking that we have to do everything in our power to protect them from harm.

But wrapping them in cotton wool, while it protects them, also prevents them from learning from their mistakes.

The great tragedy here is that the human brain does not fully develop until age 25. It was almost inevitable that his son would make a terrible decision with that money.

I understand your dilemma with the rest of the college fund money, particularly considering that your son has not proven to be responsible.

I’m wondering if I should consult a trust and estate attorney. Whatever college fund money is left could be held in a trust until your child is older and less likely to make a bad decision.

Ultimately, the money is for him and there’s not much you can do, but find ways to protect your son from himself until he’s a little older. Even then, he may make decisions you don’t agree with, but he’ll have to learn the hard way, which is, after all, how we always learn the most important lessons in life.

Consult with an attorney and know that your son has his own path. It may be filled with decisions that are not ones you would make, but as his remaining parent, I encourage you to find a way to put these financial issues aside and love him despite his decisions.