DEAR JANE: I’m very ashamed to admit it, but I only sleep with men who remind me of my elderly father.

Dear Jane,

I’m 22 years old and I work as a waitress at an upscale restaurant in New York City. I’m used to men hitting on me at work, but I usually politely decline because I’m uncomfortable with the idea of ​​dating a client.

That was until recently.

Last month, a very handsome man walked into the restaurant for a business dinner with a large group of people. He was very polite during his visit, even when some of the other guests in his party became too drunk and rowdy.

At the end of the meal, he approached me and told me that I was very beautiful and that he would like to take me out on a date.

He couldn’t tell exactly how old this man was, but he was certainly a silver fox. I decided to say yes, thinking, “What’s the problem? It’s just dinner.”

That weekend, he took me to an amazing bar, followed by a delicious dinner, and then invited me to his gigantic apartment for drinks. I was very attracted to him and was pleasantly surprised by how charming he was. We ended up sleeping together.

The next morning, he made me breakfast and I joked that he sure knows how to treat a girl. He confessed that he was previously married and has two daughters. I was a little taken aback and asked him how old he was. He said 63. I was stunned.

Not only is he almost three times my age, but he is also the same age as my own father.

Despite sharing an amazing night, we didn’t see each other again (he never called), which was disappointing because I really enjoyed our time together.

But men my age constantly disappoint me with their immaturity, lack of style and… small apartments! So, looking for the same thrill, the next time an older guy asked me out during my shift, I said yes.

I also had a great date with him and then ended up staying the night and once again it was amazing.

The downside is that I feel quite ashamed of myself. After all, I can’t have a “real future” with a man the same age as my father. If we had a baby when I was 30… I would be over 70!

But I also don’t know if I’ll be able to go out with “kids” again. Would it be so bad to consider a serious relationship with a much older man?

Of,

silver fox hunter

Dear Silver Fox Hunter,

I know couples with a big age difference, who have been together for years and are very happy. I also know couples with no age difference, who start off strong only to encounter relationship problems as they grow older. There is no magic combination that guarantees a successful partnership, but there is a sort of “rule of thumb.”

When women in their forties get together with couples in their sixties, problems often arise. At 40, many women are just entering their prime, discovering who they are, feeling comfortable in their skin and ready to take on the world. But at age 60, men often slow down and look forward to quiet nights and time at home. That can create a dysfunctional mix of priorities.

That being said, I can’t tell you who to be attracted to. Women generally do not demand enough from relationships and we accept the emotional immaturity of our partners. It sounds like you don’t do that, so that’s a good start. But you should consider the specific qualities that you find attractive in older men; perhaps this attraction has less to do with age and more to do with setting.

Wisdom and maturity can be found in your twenties, just as stupidity and immaturity can be found in your fifties. There are many young men who are mature and sensible, have stable jobs and could provide you with the stability and security you are looking for. So, look for the person, not the number of years.

As for small apartments, my advice is this: never trust a man to give you the things you want. You’re young and in what could very well be an entry-level job. Instead of wasting time waiting to meet a rich man, focus your energy on finding the job that will bring you joy. What are you passionate about? How could you make a difference in the world?

When we are happy and fulfilled in our work, money often comes. Design your life instead of looking for someone to hand it to you.

Dear Jane,

My wife and I have always had a fabulous friendship with my old college roommate and his fantastic wife.

We have known each other for more than 20 years. As young couples (before we all got married), we would go out on weekends, go on vacations together, and talk about our lives.

We’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly in each other, and nothing has ever come between us.

Now something is different.

Our friends have two children; a 10-year-old boy and a three-year-old girl. We have kids the same age and spending time together as a family is a complete nightmare.

Their children behave like monsters. The older boy is super aggressive and doesn’t know how to share. The girl is a conceited diva: she constantly gets angry over nothing.

The two even cause problems with my kids, who usually get along with almost everyone.

Plus, our friends don’t know how to be parents. They refuse to discipline their children even when it is obvious that something needs to be done. Instead, they laugh.

I once tried to tell my friend that he’d better take control of his little kids and their little problems before they become bigger kids… with bigger problems. But he became very cold and since then his wife acts differently towards me.

I would say we should meet when someone else is watching the kids, but everyone is so busy we would never see them.

I feel like your kids have ruined our friendship. What can I do?

Of,

frank friend

Dear friend Frank,

Oh, how my heart is for you. I remember well the times I sat and watched in horror as the children of people I loved behaved in ways that seemed horrible to me.

There was a time when our best friends’ teenage children came to see us for Thanksgiving and the kids sat at the table playing video games at full volume for the entire meal, not talking to the other kids or anyone else. .

And then there was the boy who got up from the table and cartwheeled over the furniture, breaking a vase that I prized.

The stories are countless. Now that my four kids are grown and flown, thankfully I no longer have to deal with someone else’s rude kids. But the experience taught me a valuable lesson: there is absolutely nothing you can do to change your friends’ children. So don’t try it. The kids haven’t ruined their friendship, but their unsolicited parenting advice might.

College roommates are special. They knew us even before we knew ourselves and before we began to transform into who we thought we needed to be as adults. They know – and love – your pure essence, just as you love them. That is an irreplaceable bond. You will make new friends, but old friends are to be treasured. Don’t put that in jeopardy.

The best solution is to accept that everyone parents differently. It may not be your way, but they are not your children either.

When your friends suggest getting together as a family, you can tell them that you’d rather leave the kids at home and go out. If any of you can find someone to watch the kids, so be it. Simply tell them the plans don’t work for you.

If this friendship is important to you, the only thing you can do is wait for these intense years of parenting to pass. You may have to find alternative ways to socialize. Perhaps this relationship will be maintained through phone calls and Zoom chats. As difficult as it may seem, friendship may have to take a backseat for now.

If you want this friendship to survive, keep your judgments about your parenting and children to yourself.