Dear Jane,
I have been married for seven years now and I love my husband very much. We have a very comfortable and happy relationship, but as our marriage has evolved, our sex life has diminished and is now virtually non-existent.
Initially, it wasn’t for lack of trying on my part, but my husband’s libido seemed to have totally disappeared and I finally gave up.
We talked about it and he said sex just wasn’t a priority for him anymore, which I understand.
The thing is, sex is a big priority for me. I crave physical passion with another person and even though I’ve tried to take care of my own desires, that’s not enough anymore – and I feel like the only way for me to stay in my marriage is to find another. person, or persons, to satisfy this need.
Dear Jane, my husband is no longer interested in sex. So I want to have an affair in the hope that it will save my marriage.
I started searching dating sites for people who might be interested in this sort of arrangement and found dozens of suitable “candidates” if you will…
However, my husband has always had very strict opinions about the importance of monogamy and I don’t even know how to begin to talk to him about it.
I know it’s the only way to save my marriage – which I really want to do – but bringing up my idea could completely destroy my relationship.
No suggestions?
From,
Sexless in Seattle
Dear Sexless in Seattle,
There are many types of marriages that work without sex being a priority, but for that to happen you both need to be on the same page, which clearly isn’t the case.
International bestselling author Jane Green offers expert advice on the most burning questions from DailyMail.com readers in her “Dear Aunt Jane’s Agony” column.
You say you love your husband very much and your relationship is happy and comfortable, but the fact that you have this huge problem and you haven’t been able to talk about it properly tells me there are bigger problems at work . here, we have to tackle that.
I can feel your pain and your loneliness, and it occurs to me that your husband could very well feel the same loneliness, although for different reasons.
Low libido can be caused by a myriad of factors, from hormonal issues and medical issues to low self-esteem and unresolved trauma. Either way, if you want to stay married, you both have to come together and handle it as one unit.
Ask him what might happen to him due to his lack of libido, whether he would be willing to see a doctor to check for underlying health issues, or even a therapist. If he doesn’t, you need to be clear about the impact this is having on you and that you need to find a solution together.
However, seeking sexual partners outside of marriage, without your husband’s knowledge or consent, is a surefire recipe for disaster.
Even if you feel like you are just fulfilling a physical need, such secrets are the ultimate betrayal.
Even if you try to explain that you’re just fulfilling a physical need, not discussing this option with him – and in fact going ahead without his agreement – risks blowing up this marriage in a way that will be painful and irrevocable.
However, consensual or ethical non-monogamy, which is increasingly common in same-sex relationships, may be an option for both of you. If you go this route, both of you will need to be in agreement and clear boundaries should be established, preferably with the help of a therapist.
Despite these options, the two of you may decide that this marriage won’t work without a regular sex life.
Whatever decision you make, it should be made together. I wish you good luck.
Dear Jane,
My father is 79 and widowed. However, he recently met a “friend” that I can’t stand. It’s a cockroach.
She pays nothing, forces him to drive her everywhere – even when she goes to bars – and always insists that he take her out for a nice drink and dinner, never offering to collect the check.
He’s on a fixed income and I’m afraid it’s completely draining his finances.
I told him of my concerns but he refuses to stop seeing her. He always asks me why I don’t want him to be happy – which is not the case at all! I just don’t understand why she can’t pay anything? Everything about their relationship hinges on what he can do for her rather than a healthy balance.
Please tell me what else I can do here because I’m starting to get really mad at him.
From,
desperate girl
Dear Desperate Girl,
I’m glad your father found someone to ease his loneliness, but I recognize how unsettling this is for you, given his age.
It’s so easy for older people to be taken advantage of, especially when loneliness is factored into this combination.
You don’t say if you’ve spent time with this woman, only that you know she pays nothing.
My first piece of advice is to get to know her, which I think will help to have a more circumspect view of the situation.
Your 79-year-old father is gracious, paying for drinks and dinner, just like he probably did with your mother when they were young.
At the moment, that doesn’t seem too worrisome, but I understand that you want to prevent him from being taken advantage of.
Sit your dad down and explain to him first that you’re glad he found a mate, someone who enjoys his company.
Maybe you’re overprotective, but want to make sure he’s living within his means. Ask if you can review his income and expenses and sign him up for online banking so you can keep an eye on him.
I would also suggest going to see an attorney who specializes in elder care.
Creating a living trust is one way to ensure no one else can get their hands on his money, but a lawyer can advise you on the best way to ensure your dad isn’t persuaded to spend all his money on a wife. who might or might not benefit.
