DEAR JANE: I told my friends about a secret kink and now they won’t talk to me… I thought all women did it!

Dear Jane,

Until last week, I thought I could tell my best friends anything.

We met in college and have stayed close ever since, a group of ten friends who stick together through breakups, work dramas, family fights… you name it.

We are all in our mid-thirties now, and most of us are married (some have kids). In other words, none of us are inexperienced or prudish.

So when we all got together for a catch-up dinner last week, complete with four bottles of rosé, and the conversation turned risqué, I thought nothing of it.

We were talking about our sex life when one of my friends turned to me and asked mischievously, “Do you have any kinks?”

They all laughed and without thinking I told them that sometimes I like my husband to smother me in bed. I thought it was something so common, that it wasn’t even considered a “perversion”, that I didn’t blush.

But the room fell silent. And as I looked around the table, I noticed that all of my friends were either gaping at me or looking very worried.

It was so awkward! I asked them what was wrong and then explained that my husband always asked me first, or I actively asked him, and he always stopped when I wanted him to.

But they were not convinced and began to bombard me with questions that seemed more like accusations.

Don’t you know that’s dangerous? Isn’t that anti-feminist? Does he pressure you to do it?

I felt very critical, as if everyone was against me. He All this lasted about 30 minutes and…Some of my friends even went so far as to suggest that my husband, whom they have all known for five years, is abusive.

At that point I was so taken aback that I didn’t know what to do and just tried to move on with the conversation. But, for the rest of the evening, the dynamic became painfully awkward and I went home very upset.

Things have only gotten worse since dinner.

I’ve been posting messages and pictures in our group chat (which we all do incessantly), but the girls seem to ignore me, and even dodge my questions about when we can meet up again.

And yesterday, one of my best friends sent me a link to a random blog post about why choking during sex is dangerous and an early sign of abuse. I didn’t know what to say.

I feel so ashamed for myself and for my lovely husband, who would never hurt a fly, but now all my friends seem to think is violent.

I never thought choking was such a big deal, as long as it was consensual of course. In fact, I imagined everyone did it!

It was just a funny, casual comment I made to my best friends over drinks. I never thought I’d be judged so much.

And now I really don’t know what to do. Should I apologize to my friends and tell a white lie, pretending that my husband and I have stopped doing it?

Or do I ignore them, hope it all blows over, and keep my private life a little more private in the future?

Of,

Shamed perversion

Dear Kink Shamed,

First let me say, as loud and clear as I can, that whatever your kink is, as long as it’s consensual and you and your partner have clear boundaries and expectations, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, no matter what your friends say.

Choking during sexual intercourse is officially known as erotic asphyxiation, and is sometimes colloquially referred to as breath play.

Kinks can sound very scary to those who are not familiar with what we might today call “unconventional” sex because, in the hands of the wrong people, some of these practices can be dangerous enough to result in death.

However, when performed by people who know exactly what they’re doing, breath play can intensify orgasms, flooding the body with dopamine and serotonin, and blurring the fine line between pleasure and pain.

I’m sorry you didn’t realize that what you consider a completely normal “perversion” can be difficult for others to accept. Part of the beauty of life is that we all like different things.

It’s likely that a lack of information is what makes your friends think that your fetish is not only dangerous, but also a sign of abuse.

With this in mind, try to educate yourself and then consider ways you can help educate your friends, even if it’s just to reassure them that you’re in good hands.

After that, I would think twice before sharing such intimate sexual information with anyone in the future, and I would avoid bringing it up again with my friends until they prove they are capable of genuine curiosity. without judgment.