Dear Jane,
My sister and I have always been very close. We share everything from clothes to friends to secrets. But something we have never shared is children, despite our similarities and closeness in age.
I’ve had several boyfriends since I was a teenager. I’m 26 now and I’ve been with my current boyfriend since I left college. My sister, however, is 28 years old and has never been in a serious relationship.
So when she recently told me she was “official” with a guy she’d been dating, I was elated for her.
A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I decided to invite them to dinner at our house so we could all get to know each other, and it was extremely nice… to begin with.
Dear Jane: I think my sister’s boyfriend has a crush on me because of something weird he does every time she leaves the room.
After the main course, my boyfriend and my sister went to the kitchen to wash the dirty dishes and I stayed in the dining room with his new partner. That’s when things got weird.
We were sitting next to each other and I was making small talk when he suddenly interrupted me to whisper, “By the way, you look gorgeous tonight.” I was a little surprised, but I just met him and gave him the benefit of the doubt that I was just trying to make a good impression.
At that point we all had at least half a bottle of wine, so I chalked it up to alcohol and laughed.
But then it happened again.
The next time we met, the four of us went to a comedy show, and while my boyfriend was at the bar having drinks and my sister was in the bathroom, her boyfriend told me that I looked “sexy.”
Before I could say anything, my boyfriend returned with the drinks and the conversation moved quickly. But I no longer had my hopes up.
We’ve all gone out several times since then, and sure enough, every time we’re alone, he makes little “compliments” about my appearance. I usually just laugh and try to act normal until my boyfriend or sister comes back. But it can’t continue, right?
I don’t want to have to avoid seeing my sister, but I also can’t face telling her when it’s her first real boyfriend! They seem to like each other a lot, maybe he’ll put these comments aside?
What should I do, Jane?
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ hottest topics in her agony aunt column
Of,
Snake Sister
Dear Sister Snake:
Most women know what it’s like to receive unwanted praise, especially from someone inappropriate: a colleague, a stranger… a family member’s partner.
No matter the intention, these comments make us feel uncomfortable.
Most women also react exactly like you. They smile politely or laugh and hope to heaven that the comments will stop.
But the thing is, unless you explicitly tell certain men to stop doing it, it’s highly unlikely they’ll get the message.
In one case, giving your sister’s partner the benefit of the doubt, he might naively think that these little compliments are helping to ingratiate himself with you.
I might assume that they are making you like them more, that they are gaining your trust by making you feel good. After all, you haven’t given him any indication that No like praise.
The alternative scenario is more depressing: His praise is part of a nefarious plan to get you into bed.
Either way, it’s time to nip this in the bud.
So the next time you find yourself alone with him, before he has a chance to say anything, you should intervene.
Say something like, “I know you’ve been very complimentary about my appearance lately, but I need you to know that no matter how flattering you think it is, I’m not comfortable hearing anything about my appearance.” . I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t shower me with more praise. Thank you for respecting my wishes.’
If it doesn’t stop, you’ll have to tell your sister. Whatever you do, I would resist saying that you believe his true intentions are sexual and instead focus on the simple fact that his repeated praise makes you uncomfortable and that he has ignored your request to stop.
Ask your sister to deal with it directly.
As difficult as it is to be direct, the worst that can happen is that he or she will be offended. But so what if it does? He will get over it.