Dear Jane,
I had a very awkward moment during a dinner with some friends recently and it made me rethink many past experiences with my family and look at them from a not so pleasant perspective.
My friends and I have been doing something recently: we meet up once a week for dinner at someone’s house, and that person picks the menu, the theme, the drinks, everything. We thought it would be a fun way to see each other regularly and also save a little money on restaurants, etc.
The first few weeks were a lot of fun and it seemed like with each dinner party, my friends were really stepping things up in terms of theme, so when it was my turn, I went all out to prepare a pretty impressive feast, if I do say so myself.
I grew up in a food-obsessed family and my parents were always experimenting with different dishes, something I’ve always loved to do as well.
Dear Jane, I shared my favorite dinner tradition with my friends, but when they realized what it was, they were horrified and accused me of “cruelty.”
Since food was such an important part of my childhood, I wanted to share some of the family traditions with my friends, so I made a selection of all my favourite dishes, including the “piece de resistance” so to speak, a dish of handmade ravioli filled with this delicious rabbit meat ragout.
One thing we always did when I was a kid, which is something I think my dad learned in Italy? – is honoring someone at the table with the bunny heart. I think traditionally, the heart goes to the oldest child, but in my family, it was something we did to celebrate someone who had accomplished something important that week.
Perhaps stupidly, I thought it would be something fun to share with my friends, and when one of them announced just a couple of days earlier that she had received a big promotion, I thought it would be a special way to show how excited I was for her.
But when I explained the tradition and presented the heart to her, she and all my friends were absolutely horrified. One of them almost vomited.
They started talking about “cruelty” and how “disgusting” and “creepy” it was to eat raw animal organs… The whole experience made me feel like I was some kind of monster. I never felt anything but positive about that tradition, and now it’s ruined for me.
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My friends were nice and let the subject go to get on with the food (which they said was delicious), but that sick feeling stayed in my stomach all night and that feeling of shame hasn’t gone away. I cringe every time I think about it.
I know it seems like the smallest thing in the world, but I’m not sure how to get over this horrible embarrassment.
What do you think?
Of,
Heartache
Dear aching heart,
Shame is the worst emotion we can have, the emotion that stops us from doing anything, that warns us again and again that we are not good enough, that we do not deserve what others have, an emotion that makes us want to disappear.
You did nothing wrong, and in fact, your friends seem to have gotten over it very quickly. While I understand their dismay and yes, their disgust at being given a raw animal heart (remember, this is a family tradition, not theirs), it’s not something you can hold against yourself, which, fortunately for you, they didn’t.
We all make mistakes. We are human beings doing the best we can in a difficult world that seems to become more critical by the minute.
The last thing you should do now is judge yourself and feel guilty.
One day, I imagine this story will be retold while everyone cries with laughter at the horror of what they did and their naivety in thinking everyone would be thrilled. As for the embarrassment, let it go. The idea behind it was beautiful and it seems their friends understood it too.
