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DEAR JANE: I read my teen daughter’s diary and discovered a dangerous secret. Do I need to call the police?

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Dear Jane: I read my teenage daughter's diary and discovered a dangerous secret. Do I need to call the police?

Dear Jane,

My 16-year-old daughter had been going through a phase of anxiety and bad mood for a few months and it was becoming unbearable. She refuses to have dinner with my husband, me and her younger brothers.

And having just gotten her driver’s license, she always goes out with God knows who doing God knows what, but when we want to go out and do things together as a family she insists on staying home.

The other day I was vacuuming his room when I came across his diary and couldn’t help but glance at it. Now I wish I had never picked it up.

Her entries show that she is completely obsessed with an older boy who she thinks she is “in love” with.

He’s 21, he goes to community college, and it seems like she has a habit of skipping school to smoke pot with him and his friends. He even wrote that he plans to try more drugs when he goes to a concert with them later this month. I didn’t even know about this gig and I was horrified to read that she plans to tell me she’s having a sleepover with friends so she can spend the night with him.

It made me question the truth of all the other times he told me he was staying with friends. Have you been with him and maybe having sex the whole time?

We all tiptoe around him at best because he is so sensitive. I’m too afraid to ask questions or tell him “no” in case he has a complete breakdown.

Dear Jane: I read my teenage daughter’s diary and discovered a dangerous secret. Do I need to call the police?

I don’t know how to handle the situation. I can’t admit that I went through her diary, she would never forgive me. I am also reluctant to tell my husband about my actions because he would also be furious.

I am so desperate to protect my daughter from this older boy, who is clearly a terrible influence on her, that I am considering taking matters into my own hands. My plan is to give his name to the police and say that he is supplying illegal drugs to underage girls.

I think he deserves to pay the price for taking advantage of my young daughter and corrupting her and wants nothing more than to scare him out of her life, but should I feel bad for getting the police involved?

Of,

Nark Diary

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' hottest topics in her agony aunt column

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ hottest topics in her agony aunt column

Dear Nark Diary,

First of all, I can feel your pain in this letter and I am sorry you are going through this.

We all want to protect our children, and it must be unbearable to know that your daughter is exposed to things that pose a very real threat.

But you mention “tiptoeing around her” and I want to stop you right there. The fact that you are afraid of your sixteen year old daughter is a problem.

Many of us feel that our own childhood ruined us enough that we don’t want to repeat our parents’ mistakes. As a result, some mistakenly believe that we should act like our children’s best friends.

That’s wrong. Our job is to be parents.

Children learn best when they are loved unconditionally; That means giving them advice and admonitions (within reason) and showing them that your love is constant and unwavering.

Perhaps above all, children should be given clear boundaries, and a ‘red line’ is certainly downright dangerous behavior.

A sixteen-year-old has not fully developed impulse control.

Of course, you should intervene if she uses drugs and has sex with older guys. She can’t legally be with a 21 year old!

And you can’t be afraid of his tantrums.

No, he won’t like it when you tell him he can’t go to a sleepover or a concert, but he should get used to hearing “no.” You will hear it many times throughout your life.

In the end, you will be doing him a favor. She will thank you when she is older.

Finally, I frankly don’t care how you became aware of his behavior and there is no need to reveal that you discovered all this by reading his diary. You don’t have to justify yourself to your child when you are doing something to protect them.

Be clear with her about the consequences (which may include reporting the boyfriend to the police) if she continues seeing him.

I fear that difficult times may lie ahead. But you have no choice.

Now is the time to stop being their scared friend and become their loving parent and guide. Wish you all the best.

Dear Jane,

I think my husband is in love with our nanny.

We use a subscription-based service to find high-quality babysitters so we know we can trust them with our two kids, ages three and five, when we go out on date nights.

We have used a handful of girls from the website and they have all been great. But suddenly my husband insists that we use the same girl every time.

She is about 25 years old and very friendly but, while she is beautiful, she is nothing special when it comes to taking care of children. It’s not that they love her or ask about her, which makes me suspicious of my husband’s motives.

He never before showed any interest in arranging for anyone to see them, but now he’s the one texting her to coordinate plans and schedules. Are you flirting with each other over text?

Last weekend I reached my turning point. I had to go to a friend’s birthday party and my husband had no plans. He was just going to stay home with the kids. But at the last minute, he suggested that the babysitter come over while he was home to “help” so he could “get some work done” while she played with the kids.

This is not only unnecessary but also strange. I can’t remember the last time I had to work on a Saturday night.

Am I being paranoid or is there something going on between them? Should I read his text messages with her or come home early from the birthday party to try to catch them in the act?

Of,

Babysitter sabotage

JANE’S SUNDAY SERVICE

We cannot force people to love us or be faithful to us.

If they decide to betray us, disrespect us or mistreat us, the best thing we can do is leave.

Leaving someone we love is never easy. But appreciating our self-esteem is the greatest gift of all.

Dear Nanny Sabotage,

I won’t tell you to spy on or ambush your husband, but I’m sure of this: when our guts whisper to us that something isn’t right, we should listen.

Maybe your husband hasn’t embarked on an affair yet, but if you think he’s in love with the babysitter, I guess you’re probably right.

Years ago, I met a fellow author at a book event who was terrifyingly young and terrifyingly handsome. He flirted with me outrageously, which was flattering and made me feel alive for the first time in years.

We emailed for a while, and the next time he came to town, I met him for a drink. I told my husband about the encounter, although I didn’t tell him that we had been flirting. When I returned home, after a night of talking, flirting and nothing else, my husband looked at me and said, ‘Uh-oh, my wife is in love.’

We know our partners better than anyone. Illicit relationships occur under the veil of secrecy. My husband calling his crush diffused what could have otherwise become a more dangerous situation.

You should take the same approach with your husband.

Tell him you can see he’s in love. Tell him that it is not appropriate for this babysitter to come visit you when you are home and ask him to help you solve the problem. He’ll probably get defensive, certainly if it’s true, but it’s important that you tell him what you feel.

If you are determined to have an affair, I’m not sure there is a way to stop it. But bringing the issue to light will change the dynamic.

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