DEAR JANE: I pretended to be GAY to get a job… but then something terrible happened with my new boss.

Dear Jane,

Last month, I finally got a new job after being unemployed for a long time. I was pretty desperate and was starting to think that I would never find another paying job.

When I went to the interview for this new job, I had practically nothing in my bank account, I was behind on my rent, and I was getting bills from everywhere.

I’m not saying this to try to get sympathy, but rather because I want to explain why I made a somewhat unhealthy decision to ensure I got the job.

The position I was applying for, and now have, was in marketing, which is not a field I have a lot of experience in, but I was willing to take on anything.

During the interview, it quickly became clear that, due to my limited experience, I was not the ideal candidate. But the recruiter and I seemed to get along well, so I figured my best bet would be to win him over with my personality, rather than my skills.

We started talking and he told me that he had a son who was my age (25). He said that his son worked at a bank and was doing pretty well, but that his father-son relationship was going through a rough patch because his son had recently come out as gay and he didn’t think he handled the news in the best way.

I don’t know what made me do it, but I decided to lie to him and tell him I was gay too.

So before I knew it, I was making up a whole fake sad story about what it was like to come out to my parents, how hard it had been for them, and how hard we were working to get our relationship back on track.

All the while I could see that he was engrossed, and his interest further fueled my lies.

At the end of the interview, he gave me a hug (!) and told me he was grateful for sharing my story, that he could see I was a good kid who needed a break, and offered me the job on the spot.

Relief hit me like a truck, but then came the immediate guilt.

I’ve been working for the company and with this guy for two weeks now and I’m constantly paranoid that someone is going to find out my secret.

I feel terrible about what I’ve done, but can’t I just confess what I’ve done without getting fired? And I can’t afford to let that happen. Do I have to keep lying forever?

Of,

Lies and shame

Dear Lies and Shame,

The problem with lying to get out of difficult situations, even when we only have good intentions, is precisely this: we end up digging ourselves into an even deeper hole.

I feel sorry for you. I really do. You’ve gotten yourself into a real mess that’s hard to get out of. If you were to admit that you lied so blatantly, your recruiter/boss would no doubt question your honesty and integrity in everything.

I know someone who decided he was gay after leaving an unhappy marriage, where resentment and anger had made his sex life miserable.

Instead of analysing the reasons behind her rejection of her husband, she thought – especially given his close ties to other women – that he was gay. She began dating women and told everyone she knew: her family, her children, her friends.

But months went by and it turned out that she couldn’t find a single woman she actually liked. Then she had a wild fling with a sexy young man that awakened a long-dormant sexuality, and she realized that she did like sex after all, even with men. This didn’t exclude women, but then she had to go around telling everyone she met that she was, in fact, probably bisexual, or fluid, or somewhere on the spectrum that wasn’t exactly at the heterosexual end.

I wonder if this might be an elegant solution for you, given that sexuality is indeed a spectrum and nothing is fixed.

Maybe during a chat with your colleagues during the break you can confess that you are also attracted to a woman. It is not a lie or a truth, but it solves the problem of you dating women.

Remember this as a lesson for your future. Lying is never it’s worth it.

Dear Jane,

I’m going to sound cliché here, but I’m in a total mess and I really need help.

Six months ago I fell in love with a married guy. We met at a work conference over a year ago, got along really well, always kept in touch, then when we met again at another conference, things got ugly. happened and we started a relationship that has been one of the best and worst things that has ever happened to me in my life.

When we first met, he was in couples therapy with his wife. He told me that they had been having problems for a while, but he was really working on trying to fix the relationship because they had been together since high school and he couldn’t imagine life without her.

Six months later, it seemed like he had come to the conclusion that his relationship was over and he told me he was consulting with divorce lawyers, and that was when our relationship began.

Many people have told me that he was probably lying, but I don’t believe it. I could see the defeat in his eyes, the realization that his marriage had failed.

We never set out to have an affair – it was a drunken one-night stand that then went south and before we knew it we were head over heels in love.

When he told his wife he wanted a divorce a few weeks after we met, she was furious, threatened to kill herself, threatened to take all his money, his house… thank God they don’t have kids, but she found every other way possible to try and keep him.

So, things have come to a standstill. He says he’s still working with divorce attorneys to figure out what his options are, but I’m losing hope that will ever happen. I don’t want to pressure him into making a decision he’s not ready for, but I can’t keep putting my own life on hold while I wait for him. I also can’t imagine throwing away the great relationship we have.

Have I gotten myself into an impossible situation?

Of,

Three’s company

Dear Three’s Company:

How my heart breaks for you and for all the women who not only believe that foster lovers are as miserable in their marriages as they claim, but who also have so little self-esteem that they settle for crumbs of bread.

Listen when I say: women who get involved with married men only get bread crumbs.

You will never enjoy a full, truly intimate relationship, where you see the best and the worst, where you both grow together in a healthy way.

What makes adventure so appealing, so addictive, is the fact that you get so little, that you only see the good parts, that you can stay in the fantasy of the romantic dream you’ve told yourself is going to happen.

But you have to remember that you only see your married lover when he runs away from his wife and/or family. And that leaves you living half your life: Christmas and Thanksgiving without your partner, with your phone glued to your side just in case he texts you and suddenly becomes available.

What I want you to think about, Three’s a Crowd, is your own self-worth. It sounds like a great love story, but (and you may find it hard to admit this) there’s something in you that has no problem with coming in second, with being last on the list.

Because a man who cheats on his wife, no matter what he tells you – that they don’t sleep together anymore, that he loves her but isn’t with her – there’s no point in her knowing. in love With her, and every other cliché in the book, he is not the kind of man a psychologically healthy woman who knows her worth would choose.

Remember that you have the right to choose a fulfilling relationship with someone who is free. This may all feel like the greatest love of your life, but I promise you that being a “friend” is ultimately destructive.

In fact, while it is true that he might at some point abandon his wife, who can guarantee that he would not repeat his adulterous behavior with you?

I don’t want you to wait for that. I would love for you to go to therapy, work on your self-esteem, and let it go. It’s hard, but you deserve more. We all deserve more.