Dear Jane,
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for five years, but for four of those years we were long distance while we both went to college in different states.
In our last year of school we started talking about what we were going to do and where we wanted to live, and we finally decided on a city close to where our families live, but not so close that they would want to come. Every day, if you know what I mean!
We found a great place that was within our budget and I was so excited to finally be together full time after years of working our crazy schedules and having to travel back and forth to enjoy just a couple days together at a time .
But now that we’ve taken the step, I’m starting to think it was a big mistake.
Dear Jane, I moved in with my girlfriend three weeks ago and her insane behavior is already making me want to move out.
Firstly, we both take completely different approaches to almost everything in terms of household and administrative tasks. She’s always been a control freak, but she seems to have tripled the intensity of it since we moved in.
She obsessively vacuums the couch: THE COUCH! – every day he freaks out if there’s a single sock on the floor, or a towel that’s not hanging on the right hook, and when we both get home from work, all he wants to do is clean and tidy, or talk about bills and budgets.
I know I can be a bit messy, so I’ve been trying really hard to keep our place as tidy as possible. But I don’t want to live in a show house! I want to be able to come home and take off my shoes by the door without panicking because she’ll get angry.
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I’d also like to just relax on the couch and watch Netflix at the end of the day, take her out to dinner or do something, anything, plus discuss budgets and bills every night.
It’s only been three weeks, but it already feels like moving in together has killed the romance in our relationship, and I’m afraid that if we continue down this path we’ll end up being resentful roommates instead of boyfriends.
Is there any way to save this situation or will I have to move?
Of,
Living and learning
Dear to live and learn,
The first step (and I can’t tell from your letter if you’ve tried this) is to sit down with your girlfriend and tell her everything you just told me.
Nothing is insurmountable except lack of communication.
When we don’t talk about the things that drive us crazy, hoping instead that we can live with it, or that our loved ones will magically go back to the people they used to be, that’s when we get into trouble.
Those small unspoken resentments will eventually grow into a giant mountain, and that’s what breaks the relationship.
Before deciding anything, the two of you should sit down and have an honest conversation.
She may not be able to hear you; We often think we are clearly stating what will happen if x, y, z continue, but our colleagues can’t hear you. But you have to try.
There seems to be great love there and you should discuss what each of you can and cannot live with.
Wishing you both the best.
