DEAR JANE: I installed a nanny cam and caught the babysitter doing something horrible in my room.

Dear Jane,

I’ve discovered something suspicious and I’m not sure what to do.

You see, my husband and I both work full-time, so we need a nanny to care for our one-year-old son, five days a week.

It’s really hard to find the right person and we’ve already had to fire two women who were repeatedly late or cancelled at the last minute.

A few months ago, we finally found our current nanny through an agency.

She seemed perfect. She is 32 years old, kind, reliable, has lots of experience and our son seems to adore her.

But last week I discovered something strange.

When we were having trouble with our first babysitter and my son was very young, my friend told me to set up a “nanny cam” so I could keep an eye on him while I was at work.

We bought one on Amazon and put it on a shelf in our bedroom, pointing towards his crib. It’s not hidden, but it’s not immediately obvious if you look around.

When I got home from work one day last week, I went to hang my jacket in the closet and noticed that some of my shoes were lying on their sides.

I am a very organized person. I have a specific system for hanging things and I always put them back in the same place, so I can tell when something is out of order.

I told my husband what had happened and he told me that I had probably dropped my shoes on the floor without realizing it. It seemed possible, so I tried to forget about it altogether.

But a few days later when I came back, I found my jackets in disarray.

Worried that something strange was going on, I decided to check the camera footage.

I quickly went through the day and everything seemed normal. The nanny came into the room to put our son down for a nap and came back out.

But then, twenty minutes later, he came back and headed straight to my closet. He opened the doors and took out a few things.

Then she took off her own clothes and put on mine, posing in front of the mirror and taking selfies.

I was completely shocked, but things got even stranger. She disappeared from my sight and came back a few seconds later… holding an expensive lipstick from my makeup bag!

She applied it in front of the mirror and then took more photos, all while my son was sleeping in his crib.

Shocked, I showed the video to my husband and he thought it was very funny.

I don’t find it funny, I find it invasive and strange. Now I wonder how many times he has done this.

The problem is that she is so good with our son. Finding another babysitter would be a hassle, but I don’t want her messing with my stuff either.

She clearly doesn’t know we have the camera in the room and I would feel very uncomfortable confronting her about it, but this can’t continue.

Should I confront her… or just fire her immediately?

Of,

Nanny Spy

Dear Spy Nanny:

What a disturbing and yes, creepy thing.

Someone entering your private space without permission can be extremely invasive, even if, as you point out, they aren’t doing anything seemingly terrible.

However, she is overstep your boundaries in a totally inappropriate manner.

I don’t think you have to fire her, but you do have to sit her down and tell her that you have the nanny cam and that you saw her doing that, no matter how awkward that conversation might be.

Ask him what’s going on and why he’s going through your belongings, then listen to what he has to say.

I imagine she’ll be mortified and never do it again.

It seems likely that he has been carried away by a curious impulse and may not fully understand clear boundaries, so it is necessary to establish them now.

Remember: say what you think, mean what you say, and don’t say it with bad intentions.

I wish you the best of luck.

Dear Jane,

I’ve been having a rough time socially lately and I’m hoping you can share some of your experiences operating within mom friendship groups.

I have been part of a close-knit group of mothers for several years. Our girls are close in age and we met when they all started kindergarten.

Before I knew it, I was spending tons of time with other moms.

We’d have coffee together or attend pilates classes after dropping the kids off at school. We’d take turns hosting playdates, often sipping wine together while the kids played and made friends. And there were weekend dinners with our respective husbands, too. You get the idea.

But our daughters are now in high school, which inevitably means little dramas between them. And as such, I’ve felt increasingly protective, not wanting to share with the other mothers the things that are troubling my daughter. It all seemed too close for comfort.

I’ve made efforts to distance myself from the group, but they all continue to spend time together as if nothing has changed. It’s as if I never existed.

I see them posting about various fun outings on social media, laughing and having fun. It reminds me of that fear-of-missing-out feeling from high school.

I would like to still have them in my life, just not as close as before. But I can’t help but feel a little betrayed.

Of,

Mean Girls Survivor

Dear Mean Girls Survivor:

Oh, how I relate to your letter. I know all too well the mean girl behavior that can exist within mom groups. Particularly when the daughters are in high school and all kinds of dramas arise.

I avoided those cliques like the plague when my own daughter was growing up.

I never understood why a woman would choose to participate. Too often, friends who are mothers are not real friends, but rather friends of chance. They all get together because of their children, not because they necessarily have anything in common.

I think it’s a good thing you’ve distanced yourself from your group. Maybe you should now go further: mute the other women on Instagram so you’re not forced to watch any social events you’re not invited to.

Instead, focus on building a network of friends you truly enjoy: women who would be your friends whether you had kids or not.

Life is too short to spend time with people who give you anxiety or drama. True friendship should be easy.

I promise you that your daughter will not suffer because you choose not to participate.

In any case, removing yourself from the situation will show her how to be a person who doesn’t give in to peer pressure. She’ll learn that her mother dances to the beat of her own drum and that she can do it too.