Dear Jane,
My brother is dying of cancer and he has been sick for five years. We are told that he does not have much longer to live.
He was diagnosed with the disease when he was 13, and after all this time, our family has practically been torn apart.
I love my brother, I love being a big sister, and I literally feel like a part of me has been dying every day since we found out about the cancer.
I feel very guilty admitting it, but the whole time I’ve been sick, I’ve felt like my family has forgotten me.
I know my brother’s illness is a lot for everyone and I understand that my parents want to give everything they can to help him fight it, but I just wish that it doesn’t mean that everything in my Life passed unnoticed.
Dear Jane: My brother’s terminal cancer is ruining my relationship with my mom and dad.
They forgot about birthdays, they didn’t say anything when I got promoted at work or when I moved in with my boyfriend. Everything revolves around my brother’s cancer and his treatment, and making sure he’s happy and comfortable.
And I get it! I feel like the biggest jerk in the world for saying this, because what I want most is for my brother to be okay. But I feel like his illness has also taken over my life and left me in this weird no-man’s land where nothing I do matters and no problem I have is serious enough to deserve any recognition.
I hope my brother will outlive his doctors’ predictions and live for many more years, even decades. But I’m worried that for the rest of his life he will continue to feel like he doesn’t deserve attention or love.
I probably sound like the worst person on the planet, but I’d love to know what you would do if you were me.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most pressing issues in her column Dear Jane, the agony aunt
Of,
Silent Sufferer
Dear Silent Sufferer,
I am so sorry for what your family is going through, for your brother’s tragic diagnosis and for the feeling of abandonment you have felt.
There is no easy answer to this. I think it is completely natural for all of us to devote energy to caring for our brother, and I understand that, despite our love for him, it is also extraordinarily difficult for us.
I wonder if you can put yourself in your brother’s shoes for a minute. Imagine that you are the one with a terminal diagnosis.
Imagine the fear and pain of knowing that, in all likelihood, you will not be able to live that big, beautiful life, that you will not be able to see your children grow up or enjoy the joy of having grandchildren.
Imagine the relief you would feel knowing how lucky you are to be surrounded by a family that is there for you, that loves you enough to be with you for however long you have left on this Earth.
Silent sufferer, I feel your pain. I am sorry. And I urge you to look elsewhere for the validation and love you need right now.
Each of us has limited capacity and your family cannot provide what you need right now. Lean on your friends, know that your family loves you deeply, but a terminal diagnosis is not something you can or should compete with.
These are exceptional circumstances and you should not for a second believe that this means you are not worthy of attention and love. I urge you to consider talking to a mental health professional, a therapist, a coach, to work on your own self-esteem issues and build a core of self-esteem independent of the attention of your family.
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