DEAR JANE: I had FaceTime sex with a VERY powerful man and now I’m terrified for my career

Dear Jane,

I’m afraid I’ve made a terrible mistake and I’m not sure what to do.

It all started at the New Year’s Eve party at the office of the law firm I work for. I’ve been working with the company for just under a year, so it was my first time attending the company’s summer party. Many in the office jokingly told me how loud it got every year.

I work as a paralegal for the environmental law department and the party was the first time I interacted with many people from other departments, so there were a lot of unfamiliar faces.

At the party, after too many glasses of champagne, I chatted with a very handsome man.

We hit it off immediately and although there was clearly a small age difference, we had a lot in common!

Nothing happened between us at the party, but we undeniably had chemistry. He asked for my number and I happily gave it to him.

I left the event around midnight and went back to my apartment… and that’s when I got a call from him. A FaceTime call!

I picked it up, obviously, and there he was… shirtless.

Let’s just say things got pretty heated and we ended up having ‘FaceTime sex’.

I woke up with an extreme hangover and even worse anxiety about what had happened, but it only got worse from there.

When I came to work on Monday, I tried to find out what his role was within the company. He hadn’t told me his department or his position.

Well, it turns out that he is a managing partner, one of the most important and senior figures in the firm.

How lucky, since the party I have seen him around the office several times. I’ve done my best to avoid him and avoid any awkward confrontations, but he has texted me several times since our virtual meeting and has even asked me on dates.

Despite having a LOT of fun with him, I don’t think it’s appropriate to continue our relationship.

What should I do? Should I continue ignoring him? Is it wildly inappropriate to get to know him on a romantic level?

Of,

Guilty as charged

Dear guilty as charged,

What a difficult (although, perhaps, quite fun) predicament you find yourself in.

Meeting a handsome stranger who continues to pursue you even after you’ve done everything you can to avoid him is flattering and I suppose quite exciting, despite the obvious complications.

But you’re absolutely right: it would probably be a terrible mistake to get involved with him while you work at the same company.

You have options, of course, but before you even look at them, I think it’s worth taking a mature approach and approaching your admirer directly and asking to speak to them.

You won’t be able to ignore his advances anymore, and trying to stay away from him may ultimately irritate him.

I would suggest meeting him for coffee, preferably sometime during the work day, although outside of the office and within a time period that has a difficult shutdown. No a drink, and nothing outside of working hours.

If you intend not to get involved, you need to be mature and set clear boundaries.

Instead of ignoring him, like you have, explain why it is inappropriate for him to ask you out. Then tell him he has to stop contacting you.

Given the power dynamic between you, I’m sure he already knows he’s jeopardizing his own career. He should be able to see that neither of them would benefit from being romantically involved.

The other thing to keep in mind is that even though you may have had great ‘virtual sex’, you don’t actually know this man at all.

He may be handsome and you may have had a great initial connection, but I promise you that sexual chemistry alone cannot sustain a relationship for long. It certainly wouldn’t be worth risking your job for an affair.

There is an alternative scenario: they could decide to meet. Not as romantic or sexual partners, but as friends.

If there really is something between you and you decide to give it a try, then you would have to review your employment situation… and maybe start looking for work elsewhere.

Dear Jane,

I’ve spent my entire life being a lesbian since I came out at 16 and I’m now 27, but I recently met a man at the local gym where I work out.

At first we got along well as gym buddies, but little by little we started to get closer to each other. He seems openly interested in me and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him no matter what he does.

I’ve never felt this way about a man before, and it’s even more surprising because he’s so masculine: he’s handsome, tall, extremely muscular, and his body dwarfs mine. And I usually prefer petite girls!

I’ve even been having fantasies about him, which is something that has never happened to any man before.

Should I take the step despite my identity and see what happens? How do you think he would react if he found out I was a lesbian? Any advice is welcome!

Of,

Sweaty and confused

Dear Sweaty and Confused:

One of the most impressive things about the younger generation is how fluid they are with their sexuality. However, one of the things that can be most frustrating is how desperate they are to label themselves.

I understand how comforting a label can be, especially given that we live in times where technology is creating more loneliness and isolation.

Having a label suddenly makes us part of a community. It makes us feel like we belong.

But of course, as you are now discovering, the problem with labels is that they can limit us.

We are much more than a label and we can’t always color within the lines.

Here you have a self-identified lesbian who has spent her young adult life having relationships with women. But now you feel physically attracted to a man.

And what I’m saying is: how lucky you are!

How nice to feel so attracted to someone and how nice to have someone to fantasize about.

Isn’t it about a full life of taking advantage of everything and experiencing everything? What a gift to be able to step out of your comfort zone and experience something new.

My suggestion is to do it.

You will surely find that having sex with a man is different from sleeping with a woman. You may hate it. On the other hand, you might find it the sexiest thing ever. You won’t know until you try.

I have met many people who have spent their entire lives being heterosexual and suddenly, in their forties and fifties, often after getting married and having children, they realize that they want to be with someone of the same sex.

Maybe you are realizing the opposite, but at such a young age. You have much more to explore and many years ahead of you.

Try thinking about sexuality as a spectrum and embrace it all!