DEAR JANE: I gave my husband a ‘hall pass’… but then he slept with the one person I wish he hadn’t

Dear Jane,

I am 35 years old and I have been happily married to my husband for five years.

An active sex life has always been important to us but unfortunately earlier this year I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and the radiotherapy I underwent prevented us from sleeping together for almost two months.

My husband has been nothing but supportive. He is my rock.

And so, because I know how important sex is to him, I gave him a ‘pass’, meaning I told him he could sleep with someone else during this difficult time if he really wanted to.

I expected him to choose an old flame, a girl from a dating app, or maybe a co-worker.

But not. My husband decided to sleep with my best friend!

We’ve been close since elementary school, although we’ve grown apart a bit lately.

I have a full-time job and a husband; My friend is still single and goes from job to job. I always felt like she was a little jealous of me, but I never thought she would do this.

According to my husband, they met in a bar with separate groups and started talking.

He says he “jokingly” mentioned to my friend that he had given her a hall pass and she “jokingly” suggested he use it on her. Then, after too many drinks, they went home together.

The next day, he calmly told me that he had used his pass and mentioned his name nonchalantly, like it was no big deal.

I am distraught. I could have had sex with anyone! Why did you choose someone I’ve known for most of my life?

My husband says this will never happen again and claims, naively, that things won’t be weird between the three of us. But I don’t know if I can get over it.

Technically yes, I told her she could cheat but I didn’t think for a second that I would do it with her.

Do I have the right to be angry? And my friend? How could he do it?

How can I still have these two people in my life knowing what they have done together?

Of,

definitive betrayal

Dear last betrayal,

I am so sorry that you are dealing with cervical cancer, and I am even more sorry that you found yourself in this situation.

You have every right to be angry. Two months is not a long time to go without sex. However, you kindly offered him a ‘hall pass’ with confidence, assuming he wouldn’t choose someone close to you.

For him, choosing his best friend is a huge betrayal, on the part of both of them.

So yes. Get angry for now. But eventually you will have to discover whether this betrayal can be forgiven or not.

To be frank, I think you made a mistake by not setting a clear enough boundary. I also wonder if she really agreed to granting her husband the “hall pass” in the first place. Why did you put his needs before yours?

Having been through a dance with cancer, I know how vital it is to have your partner’s full support. So I think it would be helpful for you to reflect: Think about what you offered, what you hoped would happen, and why their needs seemed more important than yours in the midst of a health crisis.

As for your best friend, friendship is supposed to be about lifting each other up, being there for each other, and holding each other up when they fall.

If she was really your best friend, she would have walked in the opposite direction after you met at that bar and joked about the ‘hall pass’.

If she was tempted and truly believed that you were okay with her sleeping with your husband, she should have talked to you about it first.

I think the best solution here is to have an open conversation with both of you, separately, about what led you to think what you did was right. Tell them honestly how it made you feel.

There are many different ways to have healthy relationships, and today traditional monogamy often gives way to things like “ethical non-monogamy,” where both partners have multiple outside romantic or sexual relationships with the knowledge and consent of all parties involved. .

But what has happened here is not a healthy dynamic, and I urge you and your husband to seek professional counseling to talk about how to move forward.

if you do both If you want to consider non-monogamous options, do so in a way that provides comfort and security, with much clearer boundaries and rules.

Dear Jane,

I’ve had an on and off girlfriend for a little over two years. I love her very much and she is beautiful. But we lack a spark and rarely have sex.

I’ve tried to work on our intimacy, but every time I talk to him about these things, he seems to take it as a personal attack.

Unfortunately, I don’t know exactly what I want in the bedroom, but I enjoy the appeal of what could happen.

My girlfriend grew up in a very conservative home and doesn’t have much sexual experience. I have much more.

Earlier this year, we briefly broke up. After a few weeks, I met someone else and we had great sexual chemistry and got along quite well.

But the truth is, we don’t get along as well as my girlfriend and I, which is why I’ve since rekindled our relationship.

To complicate matters, I recently got a promotion at work and have to move. My girlfriend has decided that she will not go with me because we are not a married couple.

Here’s the thing: I would happily propose so we can stay together. But I feel like I can’t do it without first finding our sexual chemistry.

Meanwhile, the girl I dated during our breakup has now reached out and wants to try again. I can’t help but consider it.

I guess it’s a good problem to have, but honestly, it’s torture.

I don’t want to lose my girlfriend, but I also don’t want to be with her if we don’t have sex.

Of,

Many options to choose from

Dear, with many options to choose from:

Chemistry is a wonderful thing in a relationship, but it’s not the only important thing and it’s certainly not enough on its own to maintain a healthy, long-lasting bond.

Chemistry doesn’t have to be just sexual; It can be emotional, mental, and often spiritual.

The initial spark must be fueled through good communication, kindness, and putting the needs of others before our own.

Most relationships get into trouble when there is a lack of communication.

In your case, the inability to talk about your sexual needs is causing resentment.

It sounds like there is a solid foundation with your current girlfriend that could sustain a long and happy relationship. But both of you must be willing to trust each other and put in the effort.

And here’s the thing: all of this needs to be resolved before you even think about marriage.

If your girlfriend is unwilling to talk about sex and at the same time potentially uses emotional blackmail to get you to marry her, then I’m afraid you’d better move on and start over as a newly single man.