Dear Jane,
I came across something extremely disturbing in my boyfriend’s apartment and I don’t know what to do.
My boyfriend and I met through a mutual friend last year and have been happily together for 11 months.
Our relationship has always been very easy and I really felt like he was “the one.” But the other day, something happened that made me question everything.
My boyfriend told me he had found the perfect surprise gift to celebrate our first anniversary.
But I hate surprises. So one morning, while I was alone in his apartment and he was at the gym, I started to look around to find the gift.
Dear Jane, I found something disgusting hidden in my boyfriend’s underwear drawer.
I know this sounds horrible, but I was dying to know what the gift was and needed some inspiration on what I should get her in return.
I started rummaging through her underwear drawer and found a stack of photographs.
I honestly thought I had hit the jackpot. I assumed he would make me a scrapbook or frame some of our favorite photos together… but no.
The photos were of his EX-girlfriend…NAKED!
There were a bunch of her nudes tied together with a rubber band hidden at the bottom of her drawer.
My immediate reaction was shock and devastation. I had been cheated on in a previous relationship and this incident made me relive all those heartbreaking emotions.
After returning the photos, I tried to rationalize the situation.
He has always been an amazing partner and has never given me any reason, until now, not to trust him.
Plus, I only came across the pictures because I broke his trust by snooping through his stuff.
What do you think, Jane? Should I try to forget that I found the photographs? Or admit that I invaded her privacy, but demand an explanation?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Underwear drawer detective
International bestselling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her column about the agony aunt
Dear Underwear Drawer Detective:
It seems, judging by the beginning of your letter, that you are in a healthy and happy relationship.
First of all, congratulations! What you have together seems to be a rare gift in these modern times.
As for scavenging, we all know that curiosity killed the cat, however, curiosity is not a sin.
While I completely understand how disconcerting it must have been to discover nude photos of your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, possessing old photos, even nude ones, doesn’t mean he’s cheating on her. It doesn’t even necessarily mean he still has feelings for her.
But none of us know for sure, and you won’t know until you talk to him.
If I were you, I would approach him a little embarrassed and explain that you got a little too excited about the “surprise gift” he supposedly picked out for you. Then, you can tell him what you found and ask him about it.
Don’t demand an explanation because that’s unlikely to provoke anything other than anger.
Tell your boyfriend that you feel insecure because he has nude photos of a girl he once loved.
Then, listen to his explanation and try to hear it with an open mind.
It’s quite possible that you don’t even remember the photos are there. I would honestly never throw away anyone’s personal photos, nude or not.
I would probably store the photos somewhere and not give them a second chance.
Be receptive and calm so that he feels safe enough to give you an honest explanation.
Chances are you simply kept the photos as a keepsake for someone you once loved… and then completely forgot you had them.
Dear Jane,
I am a lesbian in my twenties with a relatively large following on social media.
Most of my content focuses on sexuality and being gay, so I think it’s safe to say that my identity plays a huge role in my life.
A while back, at a meetup, I met a guy who works as a video editor. He knew who I was and thought my content was cool.
He offered to help me with some projects, which I happily agreed to do because we seemed to get along well. We exchanged contact information, started talking frequently over the next few weeks, and quickly became good friends.
He’s a naturally flirtatious and charming guy, which I thought was pretty sweet at first.
However, over time I began to become very interested in him, which was a big surprise to me.
He seemed to share my feelings and eventually, after meeting at his house to work on some things, we ended up sleeping together.
Now I’m not sure what to do.
He’s a wonderful guy and I’m really in love with him and he’s in love with me too, but being a lesbian is a big part of who I am and a big part of my job.
I’m not sure how starting a relationship with a man would affect all that.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Lesbian in love
Dear lesbian in love:
A big problem in today’s world is how quickly and easily we label everything.
Whether we’re talking about our gender, sexuality, race, or religion, labels can make us feel like we belong to a tribe.
It can give us a sense of peace to know that we are not alone, especially in an increasingly isolated world where we spend many hours hidden behind a screen.
As you’re discovering, the problem with labels is that while they can be comforting, they can also be limiting.
Just because you’ve spent many years identifying as a lesbian doesn’t mean you have to spend your entire life living as one.
In fact, as American sexologist Dr. Alfred Kinsey explained, sexuality is a spectrum used to describe a person’s sexual orientation at a given time. The key phrase here is “at a given time.”
The spectrum is fluid and people may find that their sexuality is changing, just as yours appears to be changing right now.
And what a gift, as an influencer, to be able to talk about this on your platform! I guarantee you won’t be the only one going through this experience.
I’m sure your followers would appreciate it if you shared it. All the joys, pleasures, fears and insecurities you face when you suddenly feel attracted to a man.
You might even gain more followers if you share this journey honestly and truthfully.
As I said before, it doesn’t matter who you love, but that you love.
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