DEAR JANE: I found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me. Instead of confronting her, I took REVENGE.

Dear Jane,

I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years and I thought we were pretty happy, until I found out she’d been cheating on me with a guy from her work for the past six months.

When I found out what she had been doing behind my back, I was devastated. We live together, we have a cat, and I was seriously thinking about proposing to her.

I didn’t want to openly accuse her of anything before I knew all the facts, so I sat with the information for a few days while I did some digging into her phone and credit card statements. I made some “innocent” inquiries with her friends under the pretext of planning a surprise birthday party for her.

The more details I found out about her relationship with this boy, the angrier I became. By the end of the third day, I had forgotten any sadness and felt only anger.

All I could think about was hurting her the same way she had hurt me. Shame her like she had embarrassed me.

Yeah, it wasn’t the most mature response, but I was angry!

So, I decided to get revenge. I took all the evidence I found while investigating his ‘affair’ and sent it anonymously to his boss.

I told him that he was having an inappropriate relationship with one of his employees and that the two had been using corporate communications to carry out their affair (I found some Slack messages). Then I just sat back and waited.

A few days later, she returned home crying and confessed that she had been fired. When I asked her why, she said that she “didn’t know” but that she thought one of her “jealous” colleagues had tried to take her down out of spite.

I had planned to leave her right there, tell her that I knew why she had been fired and that I didn’t want anything to do with her anymore, but I couldn’t do it. I was so upset that I felt… guilty, I guess.

So now here I am, days later, still living with her, still keeping these secrets from her. And I have no idea where to go from here.

I still love her, honestly, but I don’t know if there’s any way to move on.

Of,

fire starter

Dear Fire Starter,

I don’t think there is any other way out and I sincerely hope you never do anything like that again.

I empathize with you discovering your partner’s infidelity (there’s nothing worse than this kind of betrayal from someone you love), but there’s no defense for how you handled it.

Your relationship has no chance because there is no possibility of trust, and I imagine it will be increasingly difficult for you to keep the secret.

Secrets are a disease: they always infect a relationship and tend to come to light in the end.

I can’t help but think that this isn’t a relationship that should be, despite the cat, despite your thoughts about an impending proposal. The mere fact that she was having an affair would indicate that there may be real problems in the relationship or with her ability to commit.

Either way, it doesn’t bode well for the future.

It seems like there are two options, one of which involves coming clean with her, telling her that you not only knew about her affair, but that you also participated in destroying her work. Maybe you can dig deeper into why she had the affair, why you took such punitive action, and maybe there are pieces to pick up, but I suspect not.

The other option is to end this relationship, move on, and hopefully never find yourself in this type of situation again.

However, if you ever find yourself in this situation again, I hope you sit down with your partner and tell them you know, instead of coming up with clever ways to destroy their life.

Dear Jane,

I am 36 years old and I live a very happy life with my partner.

We both have good jobs, we have two dogs, and we recently bought our first house together, which is incredibly exciting.

Early on in our relationship, we talked about the idea of ​​getting married and having kids, and we both agreed that those “traditional” paths weren’t really for us. I don’t need a ring to prove to people that I’m in a committed relationship, and I’ve never had the desire to be a mother.

And I don’t regret that decision for a moment.

But the problem is that my friends seem to think that marriage and babies are really the only events worth celebrating these days, and every time I want to do something to mark something different (a new job, buying my house ), they make me seem like I’m exaggerating or showing off for wanting to do it.

Last year, I suggested going on a girls’ trip for my birthday, but most of my friends said they didn’t want to spend the money or were surprised that anyone would want to celebrate a birthday “at our age.” I threw a party when we closed on our house and wanted it to be black tie, but everyone said they didn’t want to bother with “dressing up.”

However, when one of my friends’ baby turns one, they basically throw a freaking carnival, complete with balloons and a petting zoo. However, am I the one who is exaggerated? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to celebrate your children – I love my friends and their children – but why should I be expected to ignore everything in my own life just because I don’t want babies?

Any ideas how I can bring this up to them without seeming even more selfish?

Of,

The party was ruined

Dear “Party Ruined”:

I don’t think you’re selfish at all. We don’t all have the same path in life and it’s easy to forget that we’re not in the same boat.

New parenthood is so exhausting, so draining, and in fact, so exciting, that it can be difficult to maintain relationships with anyone other than those who also recently found themselves in ‘Babyville.’

Please know that this time will pass; that your friends will find their way back to themselves and to those friends, like you, who are not going through the same things at the same time.

Given how all-consuming new parenthood is and how exhausting it is, I’m not sure talking to your friends will change their desire to go on girls’ trips or dress in black tie. I think it’s best to accept that you’re temporarily in different stages of life.

Maybe, instead of a black tie for a closing party, think of something your friends could, would, and would be willing to do.

We make friends throughout our lives, and while these friends are temporarily on hold, perhaps focus on spending time with other people who are not bound by the same commitments, who can celebrate with you in the ways you would like.