DEAR JANE: I found my mother’s OnlyFans account! Should I confront her or give her the money she clearly needs?

Dear Jane,

I have discovered something absolutely disturbing and I am not sure what to do.

When my friend sent me a link to an OnlyFans profile with the message “Is this your mom?”, I thought she was joking.

Expecting a joke, I clicked on the link and, to my horror, found photos of my 60-year-old mother completely naked.

I slammed my laptop shut and screamed, rubbing my eyes, but I couldn’t get the images out of my head.

Thinking I must have made a mistake, I opened the screen again and there she was in suggestive poses with the banner saying, “Subscribe for more.”

I stared into space in horror. could My mother exhibits herself as a nude model online?

My mind started to spin. How many people had seen the profile? Did my brothers, my aunts and uncles know?

How did my mom find out about OnlyFans in the first place and where did she learn to pose like that?

My father left my mother two years ago after 30 years of marriage. She was devastated and moved out of the family home into a small one-bedroom apartment.

She started working as a receptionist at the local dental office, but I know my father kept most of the money in the divorce. It’s been a tough time for her.

Are you doing it for money?

According to his profile, he charges $4 a month and only has 50 subscribers, so he can’t be making much.

She has always been a very quiet and modest woman and I am completely shocked that she decided to expose herself in this way, especially when we live in such a small, close-knit rural community.

It’s been a week since I found out and my friend, who monitors the account but promises not to tell anyone, says she’s posted twice since then.

I have no idea what to do. Should I confront her and tell her to stop?

Or do I find some way to give her money, without any explanation, and hope she gives it of her own free will?

Yours,

Disturbed and angry

Dear Disturbed and Angry,

It can be a real shock, as you are discovering, to realize that your parents are not just parents, but people in their own right, and people who don’t always make decisions that you don’t think are wise.

I completely understand how you feel. Finding out something sexual about one of your parents can be disconcerting, especially in your case when it’s something that’s playing out in public.

However, as difficult as it may be to hear, your mother’s decisions are hers.

And while you have every right to feel the way you feel, you have no right to tell him what to do.

For the sake of your relationship, you may want to let him know that you know what’s going on.

As you point out, your unusual side hustle might not be about money.

It could be about empowerment, for example. Maybe you’ve realized that, at 60, this is a way to feel good about your naked body.

None of us know because She is doing it, and that includes you, unless and until you are willing to talk to your mother.

I would advise showing a little curiosity and leaving judgment at the door if you want to hear the truth.

Remember: Starting a conversation shouldn’t be about trying to influence your mother’s decisions or change her mind.

It would be terrible to let this interfere with your relationship.

Try to accept that loving the people around us, especially our family, does not mean loving them only when they behave as we wish.

We love them unconditionally, and when we feel uncomfortable with their behavior, we talk to them about it and tell them how their behavior makes us feel.

Dear Jane,

I have always lived by the motto “be honest in everything you do.”

But now I am faced with a dilemma that makes me question whether honesty is really the best policy.

You see, a year ago I became friends with an older woman in my apartment complex. She’s retired and lives alone.

Little by little, she has opened up and talked about the many difficulties she has faced in her life.

The poor woman suffered abuse for years at the hands of her partner, even suffering the loss of an unborn child.

My heart aches for her.

I have started to notice signs of cognitive decline. And his life is also becoming more difficult physically: he has shaky hands and back problems.

Recently, she asked me to accompany her when she went to the supermarket and I gladly accepted.

But I’ve started to notice something strange. As we browse the shelves, she’s collecting piles of food that far exceed her retirement budget and clearly exceed what she needs to feed one person.

Inevitably, when we get to the checkout, her card is declined. She looks shocked and nervous and reacts by rummaging through her purse. But the few cents she scrapes together are not enough to cover the several hundred dollar bill.

When this happens, curious customers – complete strangers – have generously donated cash. Some have offered to pay the full amount.

Of course, I have tried to stop them and, more than once, I have borne the cost myself.

But there is clearly a problem here, and it is much worse than the old confusion.

Because I’ve also seen my friend stuff expensive groceries, including smoked salmon, fine cheeses and avocados into her reusable shopping bags before reaching the checkout.

And I’ve noticed that she’s gone further, too: she’s tried to steal from my bags, surreptitiously.

At first I didn’t even notice. It’s obvious that he has a lot of practice and acts very quickly.

But now I have no doubts: I have lost all trust in my so-called “friend” and I no longer want to be near her.

At the same time, I feel guilty for neglecting such a lonely woman.

She has a daughter, a wealthy professional who could easily support her mother, which makes the whole robbery thing that much more insulting. But the daughter hardly ever seems to visit her.

Your professional advice would be greatly appreciated.

Of,

Unwitting accomplice

Dear involuntary accomplice,

Although parts of this letter sound like the beginning of an excellent movie, I can only imagine the dilemma you find yourself in.

Considering that she is older, has been in abusive relationships, and has obvious cognitive impairment, I suspect you would not accept that behavior from a friend your age.

But maybe there is a way to avoid cutting it off completely.

Maybe you could sit down with her and be very clear. Tell her what you have observed happening at the supermarket and that you will no longer be a part of it.

Instead, you could have tea with her once a week and listen to whatever stories she wants to tell.

You have every right to be direct and tell him that if he ever witnesses something like that again, your friendship will end.